Monday, April 05, 2004
With The Big Dump Over, Will The Ramblings Rise Again?
Loyal readers should expect something from among the following potential outcomes:
* I will occasionally write something and post it here.
* I will receive a really creative, funny, albeit disturbing email and post it here.
* Some combination of the above.
* I will kinda forget about this whole mess and allow the blog to die a slow and painful death.
The likely outcome is that barring a successor, one I unsuccessfully attempted to find through a recent process posing as a contest, the frequency of stuff posted here will dramatically drop. You should check in once in a while, but don't be disappointed. Anyone who feels like contributing stuff, by all means should.
In the meantime, you know where to find me.
JD
* I will occasionally write something and post it here.
* I will receive a really creative, funny, albeit disturbing email and post it here.
* Some combination of the above.
* I will kinda forget about this whole mess and allow the blog to die a slow and painful death.
The likely outcome is that barring a successor, one I unsuccessfully attempted to find through a recent process posing as a contest, the frequency of stuff posted here will dramatically drop. You should check in once in a while, but don't be disappointed. Anyone who feels like contributing stuff, by all means should.
In the meantime, you know where to find me.
JD
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Ming Dynasty Sticks, Elderly Mothers, & Other Ramblings
MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC
David Roth is not only one of the magic worlds' preeminent coin workers, he also kicks ass as former lead singer of Van Halen.
Magicians working restaurants can earn huge, huge tips by resorting to basic extortion techniques. An ability to easily memorize customer license plates can be a real plus here.
Some magic websites sell something called a "Clown Insert". It frankly makes me a little nervous and, no, I don't want to know.
The haircut sported by David Copperfield during his vanishing aircraft TV special is pretty groovy, cats. Dig?
The Floating Dollar Bill has been done to death. Can't anyone come up with a system for the five or the ten?
Ming Dynasty Sticks can be bought for around US$80. Something tells me they are not really from the Ming Dynasty, but, rather, one of the cheaper dynasties.
You can buy flash paper, flash cotton, and flash cord. You cannot buy flash hemorrhoid medication…yet.
No magicians performed at the recent Stones concert, although some witnesses saw a guy in the crowd trying to work a couple of hotties with a reasonable Ambitious Card routine.
While James "The Amazing" Randi is a pretty solid guy, he is probably not a lot of fun at parties.
Performing the Zombie without the benefit of some form of cover will turn what should be a magical experience into something arguably pathetic.
Proper care and maintenance of your Dice Bomb will not only ensure it lasts for decades, it is also a bloody, shameful waste of everyone's time.
-----
MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXII)
Your elderly mother has traveled many thousands of miles to visit with you at the same time you are scheduled to perform a very important magic show. She is visibly upset and apparently unwilling to understand that several lucrative leads could result from the performance. What is your best course of action?
(a) If you were truly honest with yourself, you would realize you never really loved her. Let's face it, it is time you grow up and get on with your life. As a result, you should feel free to go do the show and crush her emotionally.
(b) Incorporate your mother into your act, employing her as an assistant in your sawing illusion. Your audience will be overcome with delight and gales of laughter watching your mother's hijinks as she struggles to enter the box. Despite the pain and humiliation, your mother should feel the rush of excitement one gets from the "stage".
(c) Placate your mother by agreeing to wear, during the show, the magician's cape she made for you when you were 10. While you will initially come across as a complete dorkhead during the show, let it be known that you are wearing the pathetic contraption for the sake of your mother. Rather than being viewed as a spineless, milquetoast, momma's boy, you will be praised by the audience for your maternal devotion.
(d) Offer to have her join the audience to watch you perform. On the way to the show, however, head to the vicinity of the airport. When you are within a reasonable walking distance, slow down to about 10 mph, reach over to the passenger side, open the door, and quickly nudge your mother out with your foot while yelling "Next time, call first!" After skidding to a stop by the side of the road, your mother will realize you need your independence and head back home.
(e) When your mother arrives, don't open the door but, rather, yell through the mail slot that you are working on an illusion so utterly secret that you cannot in good conscience let her in. After several hours in the sweltering heat, your mother will give up and head back to the airport confident in the knowledge she has respected the magician's code.
-----
TOP FIVE OPENING STATEMENTS IN A POSTING ON ANY MAGIC DISCUSSION BOARD DESTINED TO TRIGGER AN ORGY OF BACK-AND-FORTH FLAMING
5. "I think David Blaine is…"
4. "I think it is d@mn time all us closet Dice Bombers stand up for what we believe in…"
3. "I just wanted to let everyone know I have just wrapped up a TV special for FOX where I wear this funky mask and…"
2. "I know this post is lengthy, but having started in magic about month ago, I really want to share some of my keen insights on magic exposure, books vs videos, David Blaine, power struggles at the Magic Castle, exposure, online stores that rip you off, magic and religion, stealing business from other magicians at restaurants, and the Dice Bomb…"
…and the number one opening statement in a posting on any magic discussion board destined to trigger an orgy of back-and-forth flaming…
1. Hi, my name is JD and...
-----
JD
David Roth is not only one of the magic worlds' preeminent coin workers, he also kicks ass as former lead singer of Van Halen.
Magicians working restaurants can earn huge, huge tips by resorting to basic extortion techniques. An ability to easily memorize customer license plates can be a real plus here.
Some magic websites sell something called a "Clown Insert". It frankly makes me a little nervous and, no, I don't want to know.
The haircut sported by David Copperfield during his vanishing aircraft TV special is pretty groovy, cats. Dig?
The Floating Dollar Bill has been done to death. Can't anyone come up with a system for the five or the ten?
Ming Dynasty Sticks can be bought for around US$80. Something tells me they are not really from the Ming Dynasty, but, rather, one of the cheaper dynasties.
You can buy flash paper, flash cotton, and flash cord. You cannot buy flash hemorrhoid medication…yet.
No magicians performed at the recent Stones concert, although some witnesses saw a guy in the crowd trying to work a couple of hotties with a reasonable Ambitious Card routine.
While James "The Amazing" Randi is a pretty solid guy, he is probably not a lot of fun at parties.
Performing the Zombie without the benefit of some form of cover will turn what should be a magical experience into something arguably pathetic.
Proper care and maintenance of your Dice Bomb will not only ensure it lasts for decades, it is also a bloody, shameful waste of everyone's time.
-----
MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXII)
Your elderly mother has traveled many thousands of miles to visit with you at the same time you are scheduled to perform a very important magic show. She is visibly upset and apparently unwilling to understand that several lucrative leads could result from the performance. What is your best course of action?
(a) If you were truly honest with yourself, you would realize you never really loved her. Let's face it, it is time you grow up and get on with your life. As a result, you should feel free to go do the show and crush her emotionally.
(b) Incorporate your mother into your act, employing her as an assistant in your sawing illusion. Your audience will be overcome with delight and gales of laughter watching your mother's hijinks as she struggles to enter the box. Despite the pain and humiliation, your mother should feel the rush of excitement one gets from the "stage".
(c) Placate your mother by agreeing to wear, during the show, the magician's cape she made for you when you were 10. While you will initially come across as a complete dorkhead during the show, let it be known that you are wearing the pathetic contraption for the sake of your mother. Rather than being viewed as a spineless, milquetoast, momma's boy, you will be praised by the audience for your maternal devotion.
(d) Offer to have her join the audience to watch you perform. On the way to the show, however, head to the vicinity of the airport. When you are within a reasonable walking distance, slow down to about 10 mph, reach over to the passenger side, open the door, and quickly nudge your mother out with your foot while yelling "Next time, call first!" After skidding to a stop by the side of the road, your mother will realize you need your independence and head back home.
(e) When your mother arrives, don't open the door but, rather, yell through the mail slot that you are working on an illusion so utterly secret that you cannot in good conscience let her in. After several hours in the sweltering heat, your mother will give up and head back to the airport confident in the knowledge she has respected the magician's code.
-----
TOP FIVE OPENING STATEMENTS IN A POSTING ON ANY MAGIC DISCUSSION BOARD DESTINED TO TRIGGER AN ORGY OF BACK-AND-FORTH FLAMING
5. "I think David Blaine is…"
4. "I think it is d@mn time all us closet Dice Bombers stand up for what we believe in…"
3. "I just wanted to let everyone know I have just wrapped up a TV special for FOX where I wear this funky mask and…"
2. "I know this post is lengthy, but having started in magic about month ago, I really want to share some of my keen insights on magic exposure, books vs videos, David Blaine, power struggles at the Magic Castle, exposure, online stores that rip you off, magic and religion, stealing business from other magicians at restaurants, and the Dice Bomb…"
…and the number one opening statement in a posting on any magic discussion board destined to trigger an orgy of back-and-forth flaming…
1. Hi, my name is JD and...
-----
JD
Thursday, March 25, 2004
A Dice Bomb Moment
"Creative power is that receptive attitude of expectancy which makes a mold into which the plastic and as yet undifferentiated substance can flow and take the desired form." - Thomas Troward
Ah, summer is upon us, which can only mean one thing: we share a jail cell with some twisted biker named Summer.
It also means this year's crop of Dice Bombs is in full bloom.
Recently, while driving through the countryside, I happened upon a Dice Bomb plantation. The air was thick and cloying with the teasing aroma of spent plastic resin. I found myself hypnotically entranced, succumbing ever so slowly to the breathtaking sight of budding Dice Bombs as they gently snuck their itsy-bitsy low-density polyethylene heads through the weather-beaten topsoil, taking in those first energizing rays of sunshine, absorbing and transforming the abundant energy that will by mid-summer have morphed the sweet, l'il bastards into full-fledged marvels of modern science.
Gosh. Is there anything more beautiful?
JD
Ah, summer is upon us, which can only mean one thing: we share a jail cell with some twisted biker named Summer.
It also means this year's crop of Dice Bombs is in full bloom.
Recently, while driving through the countryside, I happened upon a Dice Bomb plantation. The air was thick and cloying with the teasing aroma of spent plastic resin. I found myself hypnotically entranced, succumbing ever so slowly to the breathtaking sight of budding Dice Bombs as they gently snuck their itsy-bitsy low-density polyethylene heads through the weather-beaten topsoil, taking in those first energizing rays of sunshine, absorbing and transforming the abundant energy that will by mid-summer have morphed the sweet, l'il bastards into full-fledged marvels of modern science.
Gosh. Is there anything more beautiful?
JD
Porn Magic, Magic At G8 Summits, & Other Ramblings
MY TOP FIVE "NEW HAPPY YEAR!" MAGIC RESOLUTIONS
5. Stop recording over $79.99 magic videos with late night broadcasts of '70s era soft porn.
4. Reverse that ill-devised resolution from last year by getting off my lazy behind and moving that seventy pound box of flash cotton AWAY from the fireplace.
3. Come to the realization my twenty-minute magic solo act, "Thong!", is a major turnoff...and I mean big time.
2. Come up with better, catchier reply to a spectator's "How did you do that?" than current "Fuck off, you nosy fuckwad!".
...and my number one "New Happy Year!" magic resolution...
1. Turn down FOX's next offer and throw out that silly mask. Donate what's left of dirty money I received to local chapter of Dice Bombs Anonymous.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN’S QUESTIONNAIRE
You have been asked to perform magic at a reception being held during an upcoming G8 summit. A successful show could obviously lead to some decent leads and bookings, so the pressure is on to really make your mark. While all of the following suggestions are guaranteed to produce surefire success, what among them would be the best course of action?
(a) Perform to the overall theme of the summit by getting into character. For example, you might try a show based around the “protester” look complete with placard -- which you can use for a card revelation -- and foam brick juggling. Think about appropriate costume ideas including black overalls and ski masks. Dignitaries, government officials, and security personnel will appreciate the thematic efforts you have made and the show should go over well.
(b) Government leaders are very busy people and subject to much distraction. If you want to leave a lasting impression, key to generating new leads and solidifying bookings, be sure to build as much profanity and nudity into your performance as humanly possible. As legendary show business great, Boozo The Bitter Ol’ Clown, said when arrested for lewd behaviour during a performance at Mac’s Beer House on Interstate 229, “Let them see your genitals and you’re as good as gold, man…as good as gold.”
(c) In order to create as much buzz as possible before your show, move quickly around the reception area while exuding a sense of suspicious eagerness. Approach some of the guests with a comically menacing look on your face while reaching into your pockets as if looking for some elusive mini square circle or other magical paraphernalia. If you are approached by any security personnel, force them to chase you by running in the opposite direction thus producing an even more delicious sense of anticipation.
(d) Seeing as the leaders of both the U.S. and France will be in the audience, build as many provocative jokes into your act as humanly possible. For example, if performing a sponge ball routine, mention that
you “had to bring your own balls cause you didn’t expect to find any in the room” while winking at Bush and pointing at Chirac. Or, perhaps, while performing Hippity Hop Rabbits, work some inappropriate war joke into your act while winking at Chirac and pointing at Bush. Play them off each other as much as you can and don’t let up when you hear the what sound like angry murmurs; many stage professionals call this noise “silent applause” and consider it a sign you are wowing the room. Your ability to make light of the dramatic political strains between both countries will paint you as a magician AND diplomat. The show should be a ringing success.
(e) If there was ever a better opportunity to whip out the ol’ Dice Bomb this is it. This marvel of modern science, what with that big nasty die turning into all those cute, itsy-bitsy little dice, I mean, mister man,
hoowee: this one will turn a regular night of magic into a ballyhooed brouhaha of illusional spectaculation. Hold onto your hats, gang!
--
As many of you are undoubtedly aware, I have been working on a piece for The Learning Channel’s Biography series. Entitled “Dice Bomb Dreams”, the one-hour episode looks at the Dice Bomb’s origins in detail, from its days as a simple sharecropper in the topsy-turvy days of the “wild west”, to its integral role in the development of the internal combustion engine, and finally its emergence as a modern-day magical wonder.
Just to update you with news we are putting the final touches on this wonderful production which promises to make you laugh, cry, and hug someone close. On the other hand, some of you may feel a slight tingling in your hands and feet and others may experience deep, debilitating nausea.
Stay tuned.
--
JD
5. Stop recording over $79.99 magic videos with late night broadcasts of '70s era soft porn.
4. Reverse that ill-devised resolution from last year by getting off my lazy behind and moving that seventy pound box of flash cotton AWAY from the fireplace.
3. Come to the realization my twenty-minute magic solo act, "Thong!", is a major turnoff...and I mean big time.
2. Come up with better, catchier reply to a spectator's "How did you do that?" than current "Fuck off, you nosy fuckwad!".
...and my number one "New Happy Year!" magic resolution...
1. Turn down FOX's next offer and throw out that silly mask. Donate what's left of dirty money I received to local chapter of Dice Bombs Anonymous.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN’S QUESTIONNAIRE
You have been asked to perform magic at a reception being held during an upcoming G8 summit. A successful show could obviously lead to some decent leads and bookings, so the pressure is on to really make your mark. While all of the following suggestions are guaranteed to produce surefire success, what among them would be the best course of action?
(a) Perform to the overall theme of the summit by getting into character. For example, you might try a show based around the “protester” look complete with placard -- which you can use for a card revelation -- and foam brick juggling. Think about appropriate costume ideas including black overalls and ski masks. Dignitaries, government officials, and security personnel will appreciate the thematic efforts you have made and the show should go over well.
(b) Government leaders are very busy people and subject to much distraction. If you want to leave a lasting impression, key to generating new leads and solidifying bookings, be sure to build as much profanity and nudity into your performance as humanly possible. As legendary show business great, Boozo The Bitter Ol’ Clown, said when arrested for lewd behaviour during a performance at Mac’s Beer House on Interstate 229, “Let them see your genitals and you’re as good as gold, man…as good as gold.”
(c) In order to create as much buzz as possible before your show, move quickly around the reception area while exuding a sense of suspicious eagerness. Approach some of the guests with a comically menacing look on your face while reaching into your pockets as if looking for some elusive mini square circle or other magical paraphernalia. If you are approached by any security personnel, force them to chase you by running in the opposite direction thus producing an even more delicious sense of anticipation.
(d) Seeing as the leaders of both the U.S. and France will be in the audience, build as many provocative jokes into your act as humanly possible. For example, if performing a sponge ball routine, mention that
you “had to bring your own balls cause you didn’t expect to find any in the room” while winking at Bush and pointing at Chirac. Or, perhaps, while performing Hippity Hop Rabbits, work some inappropriate war joke into your act while winking at Chirac and pointing at Bush. Play them off each other as much as you can and don’t let up when you hear the what sound like angry murmurs; many stage professionals call this noise “silent applause” and consider it a sign you are wowing the room. Your ability to make light of the dramatic political strains between both countries will paint you as a magician AND diplomat. The show should be a ringing success.
(e) If there was ever a better opportunity to whip out the ol’ Dice Bomb this is it. This marvel of modern science, what with that big nasty die turning into all those cute, itsy-bitsy little dice, I mean, mister man,
hoowee: this one will turn a regular night of magic into a ballyhooed brouhaha of illusional spectaculation. Hold onto your hats, gang!
--
As many of you are undoubtedly aware, I have been working on a piece for The Learning Channel’s Biography series. Entitled “Dice Bomb Dreams”, the one-hour episode looks at the Dice Bomb’s origins in detail, from its days as a simple sharecropper in the topsy-turvy days of the “wild west”, to its integral role in the development of the internal combustion engine, and finally its emergence as a modern-day magical wonder.
Just to update you with news we are putting the final touches on this wonderful production which promises to make you laugh, cry, and hug someone close. On the other hand, some of you may feel a slight tingling in your hands and feet and others may experience deep, debilitating nausea.
Stay tuned.
--
JD
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Magic Galore, Double Bang Wands, & Other Ramblings
MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE - Part XVI
The year 2003 saw a plethora of new magic tricks enter the market. What do scholars believe was the most compelling piece to work its way onto dealers' shelves?
(a) Do As I Do Or Else: A thrilling variation of the classic Do As I Do revelation, both the performer and spectator select cards from separate decks, return the cards to the decks, and shuffle. The performer and spectator then switch decks. The performer removes his selection and reveals it. The spectator is then asked by a couple of rather intimidating, burly types who are clearly high on crystal meth to locate his selection from the other deck and reveal it. He is directed to be very careful in locating his card in order to ensure the show continues to go as smoothly as possible, "if you catch our drift". The spectator removes his "selection" and it matches the performer's. Comes complete with everything.
(b) ALDIBJRFDJFKEBLSPEIRUTNBIXZJAKERLTUPAHIQEOP Wallet: We're not sure, we lost track a long time ago.
(c) So-U-Decide: During a show in the penthouse suite of skyrise condo, performer asks spectator to shuffle deck, select card, return it to deck, and reshuffle. Performer is repeatedly unsuccessful in locating selection. Claiming this apparent failure is the last straw and that his life is no longer worth living, performer leaps off penthouse balcony. About halfway down, performer interrupts blood-curdling death plunge scream to call out the identity of spectator's card. Comes complete with everything including
that special something.
(d) Dice Bomb Super Wax: Dice bomb looking dull, tired, and overused? Not anymore.
Dice Bomb Super Wax...for the discriminating Dice Bomber.
(e) Super-Duper Fantabulous Lota Bowl Fiesta Galore: The performer displays a small, tastefully hand-finished diecast aluminum pot. Despite turning it over and such to prove it is empty, the performer is somehow able to produce a significant amount of water from the pot at intermittent periods during the show. In a spectacular finale, the performer produces one last, virtually endless torrent of water. The staggering volume of water cascading from the bowl quickly begins to flood the concert hall, surrounding city blocks and, ultimately significant parts of the region triggering a "state of emergency" call by local and state authorities. Professional and volunteer rescue efforts eventually bring everything under control, thus ending the show. Can be instantly repeated.
--
MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC
Notwithstanding its name, the Dove Pan is not nearly as effective as your standard non-stick frying pan for the preparation of fried dove.
Given the disproportionate number of tricks which begin with the word "vanishing" relative to those beginning with "appearing", scientists have determined there'll be nothing left by 2017.
A trick in the hand is worth more than two in the bush, unless, of course, the two in the bush involve a lot of flash paper.
Is it me, or is there something inherently ironic about any trick "easy to master"?
Although early on in his career the legendary Houdini billed himself as the "King of Kards", scholars have so far been unable to determine what a kard is. While some have speculated the reference was to cards, this idea has been dismissed given he didn't call himself the "King of Cards".
You know you're in trouble when one of the kids at the party says "Yeah, well, why don't you Blendo this?"
The earliest recorded magic trick was performed for King Cheops in 2600 B.C. The most recent recorded magic trick was the one I did...just...now.
For many of us, the first performance of the Ball & Vase had less to do with magic and more to do with playing tackle football in mom's living room.
Give a man a Dice Bomb and he can do a trick. Teach a man to make Dice Bombs and he will flood the world with this scourgeful plague.
The description for the Viking Double Bang Wand on a popular magic website reads, in part, "This one swings both ways and gives you two bangs each performance." Yeah, but what about the wand?
--
JD
The year 2003 saw a plethora of new magic tricks enter the market. What do scholars believe was the most compelling piece to work its way onto dealers' shelves?
(a) Do As I Do Or Else: A thrilling variation of the classic Do As I Do revelation, both the performer and spectator select cards from separate decks, return the cards to the decks, and shuffle. The performer and spectator then switch decks. The performer removes his selection and reveals it. The spectator is then asked by a couple of rather intimidating, burly types who are clearly high on crystal meth to locate his selection from the other deck and reveal it. He is directed to be very careful in locating his card in order to ensure the show continues to go as smoothly as possible, "if you catch our drift". The spectator removes his "selection" and it matches the performer's. Comes complete with everything.
(b) ALDIBJRFDJFKEBLSPEIRUTNBIXZJAKERLTUPAHIQEOP Wallet: We're not sure, we lost track a long time ago.
(c) So-U-Decide: During a show in the penthouse suite of skyrise condo, performer asks spectator to shuffle deck, select card, return it to deck, and reshuffle. Performer is repeatedly unsuccessful in locating selection. Claiming this apparent failure is the last straw and that his life is no longer worth living, performer leaps off penthouse balcony. About halfway down, performer interrupts blood-curdling death plunge scream to call out the identity of spectator's card. Comes complete with everything including
that special something.
(d) Dice Bomb Super Wax: Dice bomb looking dull, tired, and overused? Not anymore.
Dice Bomb Super Wax...for the discriminating Dice Bomber.
(e) Super-Duper Fantabulous Lota Bowl Fiesta Galore: The performer displays a small, tastefully hand-finished diecast aluminum pot. Despite turning it over and such to prove it is empty, the performer is somehow able to produce a significant amount of water from the pot at intermittent periods during the show. In a spectacular finale, the performer produces one last, virtually endless torrent of water. The staggering volume of water cascading from the bowl quickly begins to flood the concert hall, surrounding city blocks and, ultimately significant parts of the region triggering a "state of emergency" call by local and state authorities. Professional and volunteer rescue efforts eventually bring everything under control, thus ending the show. Can be instantly repeated.
--
MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC
Notwithstanding its name, the Dove Pan is not nearly as effective as your standard non-stick frying pan for the preparation of fried dove.
Given the disproportionate number of tricks which begin with the word "vanishing" relative to those beginning with "appearing", scientists have determined there'll be nothing left by 2017.
A trick in the hand is worth more than two in the bush, unless, of course, the two in the bush involve a lot of flash paper.
Is it me, or is there something inherently ironic about any trick "easy to master"?
Although early on in his career the legendary Houdini billed himself as the "King of Kards", scholars have so far been unable to determine what a kard is. While some have speculated the reference was to cards, this idea has been dismissed given he didn't call himself the "King of Cards".
You know you're in trouble when one of the kids at the party says "Yeah, well, why don't you Blendo this?"
The earliest recorded magic trick was performed for King Cheops in 2600 B.C. The most recent recorded magic trick was the one I did...just...now.
For many of us, the first performance of the Ball & Vase had less to do with magic and more to do with playing tackle football in mom's living room.
Give a man a Dice Bomb and he can do a trick. Teach a man to make Dice Bombs and he will flood the world with this scourgeful plague.
The description for the Viking Double Bang Wand on a popular magic website reads, in part, "This one swings both ways and gives you two bangs each performance." Yeah, but what about the wand?
--
JD
