JD's Magic Ramblings

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

David Roth is not only one of the magic worlds' preeminent coin workers, he also kicks ass as former lead singer of Van Halen.

Magicians working restaurants can earn huge, huge tips by resorting to basic extortion techniques. An ability to easily memorize customer license plates can be a real plus here.

Some magic websites sell something called a "Clown Insert". It frankly makes me a little nervous and, no, I don't want to know.

The haircut sported by David Copperfield during his vanishing aircraft TV special is pretty groovy, cats. Dig?

The Floating Dollar Bill has been done to death. Can't anyone come up with a system for the five or the ten?

Ming Dynasty Sticks can be bought for around US$80. Something tells me they are not really from the Ming Dynasty, but, rather, one of the cheaper dynasties.

You can buy flash paper, flash cotton, and flash cord. You cannot buy flash hemorrhoid medication…yet.

No magicians performed at the recent Stones concert, although some witnesses saw a guy in the crowd trying to work a couple of hotties with a reasonable Ambitious Card routine.

While James "The Amazing" Randi is a pretty solid guy, he is probably not a lot of fun at parties.

Performing the Zombie without the benefit of some form of cover will turn what should be a magical experience into something arguably pathetic.

Proper care and maintenance of your Dice Bomb will not only ensure it lasts for decades, it is also a bloody, shameful waste of everyone's time.

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MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXII)

Your elderly mother has traveled many thousands of miles to visit with you at the same time you are scheduled to perform a very important magic show. She is visibly upset and apparently unwilling to understand that several lucrative leads could result from the performance. What is your best course of action?

(a) If you were truly honest with yourself, you would realize you never really loved her. Let's face it, it is time you grow up and get on with your life. As a result, you should feel free to go do the show and crush her emotionally.

(b) Incorporate your mother into your act, employing her as an assistant in your sawing illusion. Your audience will be overcome with delight and gales of laughter watching your mother's hijinks as she struggles to enter the box. Despite the pain and humiliation, your mother should feel the rush of excitement one gets from the "stage".

(c) Placate your mother by agreeing to wear, during the show, the magician's cape she made for you when you were 10. While you will initially come across as a complete dorkhead during the show, let it be known that you are wearing the pathetic contraption for the sake of your mother. Rather than being viewed as a spineless, milquetoast, momma's boy, you will be praised by the audience for your maternal devotion.

(d) Offer to have her join the audience to watch you perform. On the way to the show, however, head to the vicinity of the airport. When you are within a reasonable walking distance, slow down to about 10 mph, reach over to the passenger side, open the door, and quickly nudge your mother out with your foot while yelling "Next time, call first!" After skidding to a stop by the side of the road, your mother will realize you need your independence and head back home.

(e) When your mother arrives, don't open the door but, rather, yell through the mail slot that you are working on an illusion so utterly secret that you cannot in good conscience let her in. After several hours in the sweltering heat, your mother will give up and head back to the airport confident in the knowledge she has respected the magician's code.

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TOP FIVE OPENING STATEMENTS IN A POSTING ON ANY MAGIC DISCUSSION BOARD DESTINED TO TRIGGER AN ORGY OF BACK-AND-FORTH FLAMING

5. "I think David Blaine is…"

4. "I think it is d@mn time all us closet Dice Bombers stand up for what we believe in…"

3. "I just wanted to let everyone know I have just wrapped up a TV special for FOX where I wear this funky mask and…"

2. "I know this post is lengthy, but having started in magic about month ago, I really want to share some of my keen insights on magic exposure, books vs videos, David Blaine, power struggles at the Magic Castle, exposure, online stores that rip you off, magic and religion, stealing business from other magicians at restaurants, and the Dice Bomb…"

…and the number one opening statement in a posting on any magic discussion board destined to trigger an orgy of back-and-forth flaming…

1. Hi, my name is JD and...

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JD

"Creative power is that receptive attitude of expectancy which makes a mold into which the plastic and as yet undifferentiated substance can flow and take the desired form." - Thomas Troward

Ah, summer is upon us, which can only mean one thing: we share a jail cell with some twisted biker named Summer.

It also means this year's crop of Dice Bombs is in full bloom.

Recently, while driving through the countryside, I happened upon a Dice Bomb plantation. The air was thick and cloying with the teasing aroma of spent plastic resin. I found myself hypnotically entranced, succumbing ever so slowly to the breathtaking sight of budding Dice Bombs as they gently snuck their itsy-bitsy low-density polyethylene heads through the weather-beaten topsoil, taking in those first energizing rays of sunshine, absorbing and transforming the abundant energy that will by mid-summer have morphed the sweet, l'il bastards into full-fledged marvels of modern science.

Gosh. Is there anything more beautiful?

JD

MY TOP FIVE "NEW HAPPY YEAR!" MAGIC RESOLUTIONS

5. Stop recording over $79.99 magic videos with late night broadcasts of '70s era soft porn.

4. Reverse that ill-devised resolution from last year by getting off my lazy behind and moving that seventy pound box of flash cotton AWAY from the fireplace.

3. Come to the realization my twenty-minute magic solo act, "Thong!", is a major turnoff...and I mean big time.

2. Come up with better, catchier reply to a spectator's "How did you do that?" than current "Fuck off, you nosy fuckwad!".

...and my number one "New Happy Year!" magic resolution...

1. Turn down FOX's next offer and throw out that silly mask. Donate what's left of dirty money I received to local chapter of Dice Bombs Anonymous.

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN’S QUESTIONNAIRE

You have been asked to perform magic at a reception being held during an upcoming G8 summit. A successful show could obviously lead to some decent leads and bookings, so the pressure is on to really make your mark. While all of the following suggestions are guaranteed to produce surefire success, what among them would be the best course of action?

(a) Perform to the overall theme of the summit by getting into character. For example, you might try a show based around the “protester” look complete with placard -- which you can use for a card revelation -- and foam brick juggling. Think about appropriate costume ideas including black overalls and ski masks. Dignitaries, government officials, and security personnel will appreciate the thematic efforts you have made and the show should go over well.

(b) Government leaders are very busy people and subject to much distraction. If you want to leave a lasting impression, key to generating new leads and solidifying bookings, be sure to build as much profanity and nudity into your performance as humanly possible. As legendary show business great, Boozo The Bitter Ol’ Clown, said when arrested for lewd behaviour during a performance at Mac’s Beer House on Interstate 229, “Let them see your genitals and you’re as good as gold, man…as good as gold.”

(c) In order to create as much buzz as possible before your show, move quickly around the reception area while exuding a sense of suspicious eagerness. Approach some of the guests with a comically menacing look on your face while reaching into your pockets as if looking for some elusive mini square circle or other magical paraphernalia. If you are approached by any security personnel, force them to chase you by running in the opposite direction thus producing an even more delicious sense of anticipation.

(d) Seeing as the leaders of both the U.S. and France will be in the audience, build as many provocative jokes into your act as humanly possible. For example, if performing a sponge ball routine, mention that
you “had to bring your own balls cause you didn’t expect to find any in the room” while winking at Bush and pointing at Chirac. Or, perhaps, while performing Hippity Hop Rabbits, work some inappropriate war joke into your act while winking at Chirac and pointing at Bush. Play them off each other as much as you can and don’t let up when you hear the what sound like angry murmurs; many stage professionals call this noise “silent applause” and consider it a sign you are wowing the room. Your ability to make light of the dramatic political strains between both countries will paint you as a magician AND diplomat. The show should be a ringing success.

(e) If there was ever a better opportunity to whip out the ol’ Dice Bomb this is it. This marvel of modern science, what with that big nasty die turning into all those cute, itsy-bitsy little dice, I mean, mister man,
hoowee: this one will turn a regular night of magic into a ballyhooed brouhaha of illusional spectaculation. Hold onto your hats, gang!

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As many of you are undoubtedly aware, I have been working on a piece for The Learning Channel’s Biography series. Entitled “Dice Bomb Dreams”, the one-hour episode looks at the Dice Bomb’s origins in detail, from its days as a simple sharecropper in the topsy-turvy days of the “wild west”, to its integral role in the development of the internal combustion engine, and finally its emergence as a modern-day magical wonder.

Just to update you with news we are putting the final touches on this wonderful production which promises to make you laugh, cry, and hug someone close. On the other hand, some of you may feel a slight tingling in your hands and feet and others may experience deep, debilitating nausea.

Stay tuned.

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JD

MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE - Part XVI

The year 2003 saw a plethora of new magic tricks enter the market. What do scholars believe was the most compelling piece to work its way onto dealers' shelves?

(a) Do As I Do Or Else: A thrilling variation of the classic Do As I Do revelation, both the performer and spectator select cards from separate decks, return the cards to the decks, and shuffle. The performer and spectator then switch decks. The performer removes his selection and reveals it. The spectator is then asked by a couple of rather intimidating, burly types who are clearly high on crystal meth to locate his selection from the other deck and reveal it. He is directed to be very careful in locating his card in order to ensure the show continues to go as smoothly as possible, "if you catch our drift". The spectator removes his "selection" and it matches the performer's. Comes complete with everything.

(b) ALDIBJRFDJFKEBLSPEIRUTNBIXZJAKERLTUPAHIQEOP Wallet: We're not sure, we lost track a long time ago.

(c) So-U-Decide: During a show in the penthouse suite of skyrise condo, performer asks spectator to shuffle deck, select card, return it to deck, and reshuffle. Performer is repeatedly unsuccessful in locating selection. Claiming this apparent failure is the last straw and that his life is no longer worth living, performer leaps off penthouse balcony. About halfway down, performer interrupts blood-curdling death plunge scream to call out the identity of spectator's card. Comes complete with everything including
that special something.

(d) Dice Bomb Super Wax: Dice bomb looking dull, tired, and overused? Not anymore.

Dice Bomb Super Wax...for the discriminating Dice Bomber.

(e) Super-Duper Fantabulous Lota Bowl Fiesta Galore: The performer displays a small, tastefully hand-finished diecast aluminum pot. Despite turning it over and such to prove it is empty, the performer is somehow able to produce a significant amount of water from the pot at intermittent periods during the show. In a spectacular finale, the performer produces one last, virtually endless torrent of water. The staggering volume of water cascading from the bowl quickly begins to flood the concert hall, surrounding city blocks and, ultimately significant parts of the region triggering a "state of emergency" call by local and state authorities. Professional and volunteer rescue efforts eventually bring everything under control, thus ending the show. Can be instantly repeated.

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MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Notwithstanding its name, the Dove Pan is not nearly as effective as your standard non-stick frying pan for the preparation of fried dove.

Given the disproportionate number of tricks which begin with the word "vanishing" relative to those beginning with "appearing", scientists have determined there'll be nothing left by 2017.

A trick in the hand is worth more than two in the bush, unless, of course, the two in the bush involve a lot of flash paper.

Is it me, or is there something inherently ironic about any trick "easy to master"?

Although early on in his career the legendary Houdini billed himself as the "King of Kards", scholars have so far been unable to determine what a kard is. While some have speculated the reference was to cards, this idea has been dismissed given he didn't call himself the "King of Cards".

You know you're in trouble when one of the kids at the party says "Yeah, well, why don't you Blendo this?"

The earliest recorded magic trick was performed for King Cheops in 2600 B.C. The most recent recorded magic trick was the one I did...just...now.

For many of us, the first performance of the Ball & Vase had less to do with magic and more to do with playing tackle football in mom's living room.

Give a man a Dice Bomb and he can do a trick. Teach a man to make Dice Bombs and he will flood the world with this scourgeful plague.

The description for the Viking Double Bang Wand on a popular magic website reads, in part, "This one swings both ways and gives you two bangs each performance." Yeah, but what about the wand?

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JD

Most recognized magicians' associations require prospective candidates submit an application form as part of the admissions process. Very often, these application forms include an "Other Comments" section where the candidate is invited to offer up any other additional information he or she deems worthwhile to the overall process. Which of the following "Other Comments" entries is believed by most scholars to be the most likely to interfere with the prospective recruit's chances of being admitted?

(a) "Besides magic, I am also an avid musician (keyboards and percussion) and reader, like to ski, play tennis and golf, and eat human flesh."

(b) "Oh yeah, believe me, I've got some 'Other Comments' alright. I'd write them here, but let's just say I want to keep my powder dry. But don't worry, my friends, no, don't you worry one bit. You won't have to wait too long to hear what I have to say; you'll be getting my 'Other Comments' as soon as the next meeting, assuming I'm accepted for membership by that time."

(c) "I use a fair amount of gasoline in my act. Is there somewhere convenient in the meeting room for me to store about a dozen five-gallon jugs?"

(d) "I just wanted to say thanks (hey thanks!) and to let you guys (and gals!) know I'm looking forward to the monthly sharing get-togethers. I've got some pretty neat ideas for singalongs (I have extra songsheets) and maybe some crafts and puppets and stuff. I wouldn't want to give it all away here, but let's just say, I hope you don't mind a pillow fight after every evening's close-up session. I'm just throwing some ideas around. I've got lots and lots of them."

(e) "This is probably the right place to mention I am an accredited Master of the Dice Bomb Arts, Summa Cum Laude, from the UMMI and currently considered the magic world's foremost authority on the dice bomb. You may have read some of my fiction, "Dice Bomb Deceptions", packed with international intrigue, unrequited love, and dice bombs or "Deiss Baum", the moving story of a young man's life in the Alps and journey from impoverished son of a dicebombiniere to international success as a competitive cheese-eater.

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MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE - Part XVI

You are scheduled to perform a close-up show for an important corporate client's year-end party. You will require the assistance of several audience members at a particularly critical point in the show and are
concerned you may experience difficulty in getting anyone to volunteer. What is your best course of action?

(a) Wait until the show. After unsuccessfully asking for audience volunteers, roughly grab someone in the first row and "make an example" of them. This will highlight to the rest of the audience that cooperation is
the safest route.

(b) As soon as you get the gig, apply for a job at the company. Do well at the interview and land a position. While hanging around the water cooler with the other staff, bring up magic and how cool it is, in particular when one gets to volunteer to assist the magician. Quit a couple of days before the show.

(c) Get one of those foam bricks. Do a few brick gags. Tell the audience you will turn your back and toss it out over your shoulder. They will, of course, assume you're tossing a foam brick over your shoulder and that the recipient will be asked to come forward to assist in the next trick. In fact, as you turn your back you switch in a real brick and toss it over your shoulder. Tell the audience you intend to continue lobbing these things until somebody comes forward.

(d) Preempt the whole problem by covertly getting the address of one the client's employees several days before the show. Over the next several nights, sit in your parked car in front of the employee's home and try to be as conspicuous and menacing as possible. If you're approached by anyone from the house, speed away with an appreciable tire squeal. At some point late one evening, call the employee's home on a cell phone and say: "If you look outside your living room window right now, you'll see me waiting for
you. And you know I've been waiting a long, long time, my friend. The time will come when I will ask for help. If you know what's good for you, you will not disappoint me." While seated in the car, hold a flashlight under your face in a Nosferatuish way so the person will recognize you at the show.

(e) Build the entire evening's performance around lengthy and convoluted dice bomb routines. This breathtaking marvel of modern science, magic's gift to mankind, is absolutely guaranteed to have everyone rushing the stage as they fight to get their own little "piece of the action".

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TOP FIVE REASONS YOU WEREN'T PAID FOR THE GIG

5. Your show, "Chainsaws 'n' Axes 'n' Guts", really had very little do with magic whatsoever.

4. Finishing off every routine muttering "God, you people are slow..." was less than polished.

3. You brought a whole new meaning to the Cups & Balls, but not one the audience was apt to appreciate.

2. The curtains, wallpaper, and living room furniture were not -- despite your insistence --, "undoubtedly manufactured by the same people who make my flash paper the way they went up so fast and all...".

...and the number one reason you weren't paid for the gig...

1. You promised "an overwhelming cornucopia o' dice bombs in all their majestic glory" guaranteed to engulf the audience in "an endlessly euphoric phantasmagoria of dice bombs in full regalia" but could not deliver due to a restraining order by PETDB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Dice Bombs).

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JD

TOP FIVE WIDELY REJECTED MAGIC TRICKS OF 2003

5. Burn Rabbit Burn

4. Card Thru Yo' Momma

3. The Balducci Hesitation

2. Jumbo Appearing Ebola Virus

...and the number widely rejected magic trick of 2003...

1. Ha-Hasectomy

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A quick update...

I'm currently working on my upcoming TV special, "Frozen Vertigo Burial", during which I will be entombed in an ice-filled coffin atop a ten-story pole for a period of 25-30 seconds. I'm pretty sure I can get to the
30-second point having recently washed my hands with cold water in the darkened bathroom of a rooftop restaurant, effectively the bulk of my training for this stunt. At the end of this grueling half-minute, I will be gingerly brought down in a full-body safety harness attached to a military helicopter. Someone will then throw an empty cardboard box at me.

Now, you impressionable young people out there reading this, do not attempt any or all of this stunt unless you're absolutely certain your parents won't find out.

Interspersed during the whole nail-biting extravaganza will be short clips of me touring Southeast Asia and the Baltic States with a Dice Bomb. You will be witness to a bridging of the cultural gap via the repeated performance of this stunning device of enrapturing wonderment. In one particularly moving segment, a spice vendor in Kajadistan will, having just witnessed this marvel of modern science, threaten me with a pretty menacing broadsword saying "Hjiaakli! Hjiaakli! Kanajk paluu!" which loosely translates into "Take your inane Dice Bomb and get the hell out of here before I feed you to the dogs!" Pretty heady stuff, folks, be sure to tune in.

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You have been booked to perform at a wedding reception to be held in a nearby hotel. The morning of the show, the bride's father calls to inform you he's heard really bad things about both your show and you personally. What is your best course of action?

(a) Politely make an effort to understand the basis of the negative comments and then work to diffuse them through careful and sensitive reasoning.

(b) Feign having misinterpreted the contract by instead showing up at the church. Set up your equipment in full view. Go straight into your opening fire and pyrotechnics routine during the vows.

(c) Inform the bride's father that you think he got all this bad gossip from the groom and only because the groom was still embarrassed about that afternoon a couple of months ago when he and you "after winding down from a particularly sweaty round of squash" went down a previously unexplored path, "if you know what I mean".

(d) A couple of hours before the reception, sit in your car in the hotel parking lot and guzzle down enough vodka to maim a small herd of elephants. Through the resulting haze, and before you totally black out, work your way to the reception and let the chips fall where they may.

(e) Monopolize the reception by performing your full-evening, three-hour Disco Dice Bomb Fiesta Fantasia

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' INSTITUTE PERFORMANCE GUIDE

Chapter VII: Children's Shows

Many of you during your magic careers will be called upon to perform at children's birthday parties and other events where many young people are in attendance. Not without its unique challenges, the children's show can easily be successful if a few basic guidelines are followed. It goes without saying that if both the children and parents are happy, they will want you back again and again.

Here are the keys to a successful children's show:

- Arrive several hours beyond the appointed time. Kids' parties rarely run on schedule so there's no point in unduly stressing the parents by showing up when you're expected to.

- If, for some reason, you are unable to make it to the party or just don't feel like making it, be sure to contact the parents within the next three or four months to let them know you've already spent the deposit. It's a simple courtesy but reflects well on you.

- Should you be a morning drinker, try to time it so you are at your "funniest" just around show time. Zany antics are always an attention-getter.

- Children today are really plugged in, even at a very young age. Don't stoop to performing colourful, fun-filled trickery; the children find it condescending. Rather, entertain them with lengthy mentalist routines. You might want to throw in some reasonably complex mathematics magic to really get things rolling for the l'il tykes. The children's silence and fidgeting will bely their renewed sense of awe and introspection.

- Always carry a minimum 50' foot length garden hose along with your magic equipment. This length ensures your client's home will always have a handy enough water faucet to guarantee you a ready source of water during your act, be it for the Rice Bowls or just to protect your setup from curious onlookers.

- If you insist on smoking during your act, try to incorporate into it as much cigarette-based magic as humanly possible.

- Children will sometimes be boisterous during your act; they are, after all, children. If things begin to get out of hand, allow yourself to be overcome by emotion and begin tearfully blubbering to the adult hosts. If
the room is even a bit noisy, you may want to employ an intense nasal whining as you communicate your concerns to the parents. They will undoubtedly respect your artistic sensitivity and help cool things down.

- When discussing payment, double the fee to which you originally verbally agreed. Those clients who do happen to recall the original number will silently respect your unique negotiating skills and pay with enthusiasm.

- If leaving the client's home in a car, perform a couple of donuts on their front lawn as you drive off. You'll want to get the treads way down below the topsoil. The resulting "autograph" will serve not only as a souvenir of the magical event but also a "business card" of sorts as the client passes on solid word-of-mouth to inquisitive neighbours and visitors.

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JD

TOP FIVE NOT-HOT SELLERS IN 2003

5. "Not Gimmicked": Ever pull out a deck of cards, ask for a card to be selected, only to find out you've inadvertently whipped out an Invisible Deck or one of your other favourite gaffed decks, rather than the non-gimmicked deck you really wanted to use? It will never happen again, not with these handy, large-lettered Day-Glo (tm) stickers. Will affix to most standard card cases.

4. Theory Theory Theatre: A compelling work from the creative mind of Calvin Bootle, Theory Theory Theatre is a 300-page treatise not on magic theory itself but, rather, on the theory behind magic theory.

3. Flash Leather: From the people who brought you flash paper, flash string, and flash cotton.

2. Arising Food: Performer is able to accurately regurgitate a randomly selected food item from a recently visited all-you-can-eat buffet.

...and the number one not-hot seller of 2003...

1. Dice Bomb Lube: No more squeaky Dice Bombs.

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PREDICTIONS FOR MAGIC IN 2004

Siegfried and Roy will finally settle their neverending feud over Roy's long-ago decision to shave off his moustache.

Philadelphia-based amateur magician, The Great Crotchino, will, under very awkward circumstances, discover the self-help book he recently purchased, "Missed Erection", was not about improving one's magic performance technique.

Advocates from Doves Against Dove Pans (DADP) will successfully lobby the U.S. government for funds to further research into the negative health effects arising from being jammed into a confined space and set on fire.

Circle Squares will emerge as a credible threat to Square Circles.

The governing committee of the International Standards Association (ISO) will ultimately rule that "...the Magic Ding Dong may, with the expressed written permission of the ISO, be marketed under the name the Magic Sponge Dick...".

An ill-behaved brat attending a birthday party in Plainsville, Wyoming will finally acknowledge he, despite his earlier vocal pleas to the contrary, does not actually "know how it's done".

The WTO will rule against the European Union's long-standing import quota on Dice Bombs, resulting in a flood of Dice Bombs into the EU and, ultimately, futile attempts to control the resulting volatile fluctuations of the Euro.

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXII)

You have agreed to perform for three hours as a Magic Santa for a Christmas bash being held for a large Fortune 500 corporation. One hour into your gig, the company's employees are already over-refreshed, becoming belligerent, and much whatnot is abound. You have been subjected to unsolicited come-ons, humiliating insults, and threats of violence. What is your best course of action?

(a) Immediately drop everything and get out your Troublewit as quickly as humanly possible. It is crisis situations like this that call for your most powerful material. Keep it to five minutes or so; you don't want to overcompensate by abusing the hypnotic lull of this gem.

(b) People are people. Sometimes they blow off a little steam. There's really nothing you can do but offer a little understanding. Just try to make the best of it. Go drain your main vain in the rum punch.

(c) Drop Your Santa Pants (tm), a clever and appropriate variation on the standard Drop Your Pants (tm) technique. In almost all cases, it is equally as effective.

(d) Begin spreading some ridiculously sensational rumour about the company's CEO. The more repugnant the better. This will create a buzz at the party and distract enough of the people to give you the window you need to finish your gig. Before you leave, you can let everyone know it was you who started the whole thing given professional exigencies.

(e) Although explicitly forbidden by the terms of your contract, threaten that unless everyone settles down you are going to boogie your way into "Dice Bomb Disco & Dazzle", your proprietary 15-minute Dice Bomb and disco fusion piece. This one is failsafe.

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JD

UNLEASHING THE MOMENT WHILE DRIVING

Like many of you, I drive to work every day (I need not point out this also involves driving home every day).

Although playing the radio or a CD is an always pleasant companion on the journey (despite living in Montreal, I often find myself listening to NPR and consider myself over-informed regarding the goings-on in lovely Vermont), sometimes one needs a more pronounced level of stimulus during that daily ride. In that vein, I would like to suggest the following ideas for unleashing the moment while driving.

> When stopped at a red light, wait for the person next to you to, as they invariably do, casually glance towards your vehicle. As soon as this happens, begin slowly reversing your vehicle. From their perspective, they will, at least for a couple of seconds, think it is in fact their car that is rolling forward and that they are progressively rolling out into traffic. To hammer home the effect, start blowing your horn and gesture in fashion to suggest you believe they are in imminent danger.

> Put a pillow behind your head and wear a blanket while driving. At red lights, pretend to be asleep.

> Should you be wearing a tie, let it hang out the window. When you're stopped at a red light and in the line of sight of the person in the car next two, close the power windows so that the tie gets caught up at the top of the window. Feign strangling.

> As you're approaching a red light, release the locking mechanism so that your seat folds all the way back down and lie back. Let your vehicle continue rolling and begin gently braking, eventually stopping. The person stopped next to you should see an empty vehicle pulling up.

> Set up a fake steering wheel in the back seat so that the person "steering" is facing out the back window. Have your friend sit back there "driving" while you drive in reverse. Don't forget your right turn signal is now his left.

> Also good whoppin' fun at a red light...before leaving home, goop a generous spot of white toothpaste on the driver's door just below the window so it appears one of mother nature's flying creatures has showered you with a gift. When stopped at a light and the person in the vehicle next to you is invariably looking in your general direction, look at the goop, look up as if searching for the guilty bird, casually scoop up an ample bit of the toothpaste with your finger, stare at it with almost scientific curiosity, then take a good healthy taste. Be sure to get all of it. It helps if you then give it that wine-tasting, slosh-around effect.

> Stop your car by the side of the highway. Get out and hold a very large blow dryer facing towards oncoming traffic. Have a clipboard in the other hand. Watch them brake, baby.

> Go through the McDonald's drive-thru in reverse.

> When with friends, insist on entering and exiting your vehicle via the sun roof.

> Leave your keys in the ignition and have all the vehicle's windows open with the exception of the driver's window. Feign trying to open your driver's door with a coat hanger. Should anyone approach to tell you the other windows are open, use that mime technique to show they are still "closed". Then call the person an idiot.

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TOP FIVE MAGIC PUTDOWNS

5. You dini!

4. Chung ling you!

3. Palm this!

2. You son of a Gallo Pitch!

...and the number one magic putdown...

1. Acrapacadabra!

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What compelled someone to get to the point of inventing eggnog?

Why do people spray fake snow on the inside of windows?

Canned cranberries...why are they here and what do they want?

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXVII)

Christmas themed magic is popular with audiences this time of year. What do scholars generally is the most exciting piece of magic of this genre to emerge?

(a) De-Multiplying Snowballs: A playful reversal on the Multiplying Balls theme, the performer magically causes four snowballs to progressively vanish under the dangerously hot stage lights of a frighteningly
overcrowded theatre with a faulty thermostat which reads 70 when the furnace is really churning out 95 degrees of hellishly hot air.

(b) The Mysterious Waters Of Wintry Delight: A bonus add-on routine to the De-Multiplying Balls, the performer simultaneously produces meaningful quantities of water, enough to fill a good-sized glass pitcher. A total mystery. Performed in tandem, these two routines are veritable reputation-makers.

(c) Egg-Nog!: With sleeves rolled up and having shown both hands empty, performer picks up an egg from table and seamlessly and without cover successfully nogs it. Comes complete with everything including silk-screened trenger, woilming (both 2" and 4"), and that special something. Immediate reset.

(d) Know "L": Audience volunteer comes forward with a wrapped present that was purchased for office gift exchange. Blindfolded performer places hand on wrapped gift and accurately predicts degree to which gift's deeply disappointed recipient will feign delight at having received it.

(e) Santa's Claws: Performer claims Santa fell out of his sleigh while travelling over a forest one night and was found frozen solid the next morning by a couple of hunters. As he was too heavy to carry, what with
that belly like a bowl full of jelly and all, the hunters brought only his hands to the local police station so his prints could be verified for the proper issuance of a death certificate. These hands, severely gnarled by
frostbite, are now in the performer's possession. Placed on a table, the hands magically tap out an audience volunteer's secret, preselected number.

--

JD

Been on the road a bit much lately...will try to catch up...

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXII)

You have just received a very expensive new routine in the mail from Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown Enterprises. Upon opening the box to unveil this purported reputation-maker that is based on some earth-shattering new principle of deception, you find a dried carrot, en empty milk carton, and instructions that simply appear to be random scribblings done with lipstick on a used paper towel. What is your best course of action?

(a) Accept the fact that an earth-shattering new principle of deception may require you spend time in deep study. Lock yourself in a room with the carrot, carton, and "instructions" and don't come out until you've achieved something miraculous.

(b) Buy a plane ticket to the city on the return address. From the airport, head straight to the Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown Enterprises offices. Upon arriving at the address, you'll note it is actually not an office but
rather a private residence, and not Boozo's, either. Sneak into the back yard and head straight for the pool cabana. In there, you should find empty gin bottles, a big bag of carrots, some milk crates, paper towels, and used lipstick, but no Boozo. Sometimes life is unfair.

(c) Drop your pants. Again, you will only truly understand the effectiveness of this once you are willing to try.

(d) Log onto any magic website and start a thread about David Blaine; pick any topic, just be sure to mention his name. The ensuing carnage should provide a meaningful distraction from the fact you've just been taken to the cleaners.

(e) If you are incapable of realizing what a stunning treasure trove of magical knowledge with which you have been entrusted, then perhaps it is time for you to move on. We have little time for dilettantes who have nothing better to do than ask too many questions. Got it?

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR PASS NEEDS WORK

5. During a pass-heavy routine, you find your rehearsed patter is peppered with a series of unplanned 'for f***'s sake!'s.

4. In the moments leading up to the pass, you consistently lose control of your bladder.

3. You have found the only steadfastly effective misdirection while performing the pass is to simultaneously perform a back-flip while letting out a blood-curdling scream.

2. You use a pass.

...and the number one sign your pass needs work...

1. Although the spectator is completely uninitiated with magic technique or any of its terminology whatsoever, they stop you after you perform the pass and ask, "What was that, some sort of pass-type move or something?"

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XVI)

Many magicians first get the magic bug during their early adolescence and the onslaught of puberty, what will all its meaningful physical changes and other awakenings. An important element of this development is the complex social interaction which transpires in high school. In this context, and with back-to-school just around the corner, what do scholars generally agree is the most compelling school-themed magic trick of all time?

(a) Pom-Pom Putdown: Spectator selects card, memorizes it, and returns it to shuffled deck. Performer appears unable to reveal selection. Next day at school, spectator approaches the school's head cheerleader and awkwardly stumbles through an invitation to go to this Friday's dance. Upon head cheerleader answering "Moi? Be seen with a little worm like you? Are you out of your mind?", spectator's face develops a series of stunning crimson blotches which reveal the identity of the selection. A reputation-maker.

(b) Pro-Ject: Spectator is given eight weeks to complete a project for history class. With a snap of his fingers, performer sends spectator seven weeks and six days into the future whereupon spectator notices they have not yet even started project. Spectator pulls all-nighter, hands in project next day, and receives a "by the skin of their teeth" passing grade. Comes complete with everything you need, including that special something.

(c) Substitution Locker: Spectator is forced into gym locker by several members of the football team. Spectator's chess club buddy quickly comes to his defense. One member of football team drapes his football jersey over the buddy who, in a flash, changes places with spectator. For the finale, spectator is now forced into another locker until gym class is over. Plays big, packs small...real small.

(d) Laugh-A-Teria: A magic comedy routine wherein a spectator lends their watch to performer, the performer accidentally "destroys" it, and the fully restored watch is revealed to have been magically transported to the cafeteria's vat of instant mashed potatoes, nestled among the nail clippings, cigarette butts, and the "chef's" bodily fluids. Manuscript only.

(e) DEF!: Spectator is handed three envelopes and a tastefully designed small wooden box. Spectator selects one of the envelopes and is then requested to open the box. Inside the box is Road Rager (tm) for the PlayStation 2 (tm). Spectator spends night engrossed in the game and neglects to study for the next day's math exam. After exam is graded, spectator opens envelop, removes the small card, and notes the letter on the card matches the grade received. Comes complete with game cartridge, handcrafted wooden box, envelopes, and three cards marked "D", "E", and "F", respectively.

--

JD

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T OWN A "SQUEAKER"

5. Getting everyone to break out in laughter during your mom's funeral service was probably not the best use of your time.

4. No, it is not a "sure-fire babe-magnet!"

3. "Pardon me Your Holiness, but are you flatulent?" is not the type of thing one asks during a walkaround performance at a Vatican dinner reception.

2. As you look back over your illustrious magic career, you identify the addition of the squeaker as your "big turning point".

...and the number one sign you really shouldn't own a squeaker...

1. You sincerely believe it will give you the edge you'll need to finally include the Chinese Water Torture Cell in your act.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXI)

Kreskin is widely considered one of the modern era's more popular practitioners of the paranormal arts. Name one of his significantly less known contemporaries and the generally agreed upon reason this performer failed to achieve anything even remotely approaching Kreskin's success.

(a) Hypnoman: John MacIntosh, aka Hypnoman, was a rising star on the hypnosis mind-control circuit. Although considered novel at first, his insistence on wearing glittery hip boots and a caped uniform increasingly conflicted with his desire to be taken as a serious performer. Tragically, MacIntosh was fatally injured during a botched attempt to stop an oncoming subway armed only with the power of his mind.

(b) Botkrak: Claiming to be able to determine someone's future by "feeling" the subtle nuances inherent to the human behind, Botkrak was eventually found out for the perv that he was.

(c) Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown: It is a little known fact Boozo (prior to becoming a deeply cynical and dejected washed-up alcoholic performer choking on the pathetic bitterness of his meaningless existence who somehow still manages to get well-paying gigs) was a very successful master of telekinesis. It was the unfortunate summer of '73 when Boozo, recklessly agreeing to demonstrate his telekinetic powers at a nude beach charity function, experienced several traumatic mishaps. He would later precipitously spiral into an uncontrolled seventeen-year orgy of liquor, smack, and canteloupe.

(d) Kreskini: Hoping to capitalize on the subtle confusion created by his stage name, Kreskini was eventually found out and ostracized by the magic community at large. Rumours suggest he was done in by his exquisite tailoring and tasteful haircut.

(e) Fire Stone: Although once a very popular up-and-coming psychic, Stone quickly destroyed his reputation through a series of ill-timed blow-ups during a string of particularly bad performances.

--

Is it a coincidence Max Maven rhymes with Tax Haven?

Just wonderin' if maybe he knows something we don't.

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR INTEREST IN MAGIC IS WANING

5. You're reading this.

4. When approached by an attractive member of the opposite sex and asked to perform a trick, you tell them to go fuck themselves.

3. Upon witnessing the miraculous and genuine apparition of Harry Houdini's ghostly spirit during a Halloween seance, the best question you can come up with is "Guess you were wrong, eh Har?"

2. Armed with your business cards and a little liquid paper, you opt to become a macian.

...and the number one sign your interest in magic is waning...

1. Within five minutes of leaving the magic shop, you've pretty much used up that gross of flash paper you bought for "shits 'n' giggles."

--

JD

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part VI)

A magician friend of yours called you to let you know he wouldn't be able to do a birthday party that weekend; you generously agreed to replace him. Halfway through your performance at the party, the parents of the birthday kid inform you your show is totally inadequate and pales in comparison to the "guy they were supposed to have". What is your best course of action?

(a) Apologize for your inadequacy and offer not only to finish the show for free but also to clean up the house and water all the plants afterwards.

(b) Explain you were going to do your "good" show but were afraid the material might be a little hard for the kids to follow since most of them seemed a little "off...if you know what I mean".

(c) Tell the parents you are in fact the other guy but just haven't been the same since that "bad experience with the tainted Velveeta (tm)".

(d) Quickly put dad in a wrestling hold and threaten to make him "blubber like a frightened little flower in front of the kids" unless he backs off.

(e) Say nothing. Go upstairs and lock yourself in one of the bathrooms. Run the water in the bathtub. After a while, stop making any perceptible noise. That'll show 'em.

--

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--

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

The physical restraint manufacturers admit they are helpless in dealing with the growing number of escape artists who are going insane.

There is no truth to the story Lance Burton's 13-year, US$100 million dollar deal with the Monte Carlo Resort & Casino came about after he turned down a 6-year, US$30 million dollar offer from the Lakers.

John Wayne Bobbitt might have fared better had he been wearing his Chop Cup.

Apparently, someone in Dallas, Texas bought a Troublewit last year.

In his new book, "Magic Over The Telephone", magician Tom Milan loses significant credibility in the section on vanishes.

Only magicians appreciate that a "ball and tube", when combined, can produce a "mystery".

Card manipulation is just fine and dandy, as long as you're not a card. Otherwise, you just end up feeling used.

Although I am unlikely to perform Copperfield's Tornado Of Fire, I am willing to consider Tornado Of Skanky Broads.

The Realistic Wilting Rose is a big improvement on the Unrealistic Wilting Rose.

If you stubbornly wait for a magic dealer to show you a mechanical card device at arm's length, you are likely holding out for a hold-out to be held out.

Card Through Window is always best performed using magic techniques.

...and...

Stop the presses: The Dice Bomb can also be used to produce a colour change.

--

JD

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE LEARNING THAT HOT NEW ROUTINE

5. You died several months ago.

4. If only you could stop obsessing over your new Dice Bomb and just focus.

3. Your photocopy of the book is of poor quality and the bootleg video is no better.

2. The performance rights section ends with "...and don't forget: we know where you live."

...and the number one reason you're having trouble learning that hot new routine...

1. You've just learned that Joanie may not, in fact, love Chachi.

--

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

Although Harry Houdini was considered an accomplished escape artist, none of his artwork actually depicted any escape themes although there reportedly exists a charcoal of a beautiful landscape with a prison in the background. Silly historians.

In a recent survey conducted on the Chinese mainland, a majority of citizens agreed their snowstorms usually came in the form of snow.

When in doubt, always go with the blue one.

Not only did hockey great Maurice Richard not own any magic books or tricks, he did not, to anyone's knowledge, have any specific interest in the subject.

Most scholars will tell you you're better off performing Sword Thru Neck with specially constructed magic equipment.

Announcing you're about to perform the Sucker Die Box might be construed by some audience members as condescending. Try going with something like the Whacky Nutfucked Die Box.

One night, famed coin manipulator T. Nelson Downs woke up in a cold sweat and yelled "Mr. Barbeau, you are a schadenfoof!" He had had more than his fair share of shepherd's pie that evening, if you know what I mean.

There is no truth to the rumour Kellar told Thurston he didn't accept Mastercard.

Show me a grandmother with a hunger for vengeance and I'll show you some crocheted balls.

...and...

If you shut down the photo studio run by Sven Klausupp that does intimate portraits of sleight-of-hand performers in action, you'd close up Klausupp's close-up close-up place.

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR STAGE ASSISTANT MAY NOT BE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB

5. Unlike what they've led you to believe, you soon discover "mindless twit" is not a compliment.

4. They complain the strapless gown is too revealing. Some guys will do anything to avoid work.

3. During the intermission, they are seen selling tickets to some "...Finally Revealed"-type thingy.

2. They want top billing.

...and the number one reason your stage assistant may not be the right person for the job...

1. You are no longer capable of consoling them in their fears that "...it just isn't right to deceive paying customers night after night..."

--

JD

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXVIII)

Throughout the centuries, magic and mutilation have shared a special relationship. To this day, classics like Sawing A Lady In Half and the Zig Zag Illusion are mainstays for the stage illusionist. Parlour magicians can both shock and mystify their audiences with the French Arm Chopper. The close-up performer shares the surprise of the Needle Thru Arm. The process of developing these effects is, however, challenging, painstaking, and often rife with danger. What do scholars generally agree was perhaps the most ill-conceived and ultimately contentious piece of performance magic to ever emerge in this genre?

(a) Blendo Stupendo: In last month's issue of Magilicious, trick reviewer George Goreman described Blendo Stupendo as "...the demented machination of nothing less than magic's most horrendous and despicable sociopath...". Yowza! Does it get any better?! This reputation-maker takes the classic Blendo routine to a new level. Performer puts three silks of different colour into a standard food blender. The blender is turned on, the implication being the silks will mix to create a large multi-coloured silk. The blender is turned off and performer reaches in to remove the "blended" silk. All of a sudden, the blender accidentally turns back on. Performer lets out blood-curdling scream and begins violently shaking as hand and arm are spasmodically ground by whirring blades. Magician removes what's left of arm from blender and reaching into the bloodied stump produces the large multi-coloured silk. But wait, that's not all. From within folds of silk, magician produces a beautiful dove, although one with a missing wing. Much laughter ensues. Magician passes out and audience is asked to leave.

(b) The Locomotive Catch Trick: Similar to the infamous Bullet Catch Trick, the Locomotive Catch Trick is performed on any random section of railway. The performer states they will, unaided by any special equipment, trap the 9:15 to Chippawa in their teeth and spit it out on a plate for verification by a select group of volunteering spectators. Although this controversial piece of performance magic has never successfully been performed, it does sound kinda neat-o.

(c) X-Plode: Spectator selects card, memorizes it and returns it to deck. Spectator then shuffles cards. Performer appears unable to find selection. In frustration, performer whisks open jacket revealing 200 lbs. of highly experimental, albeit alarmingly powerful explosives taped to their body. Performer threatens to "destroy everything within a two-kilometre radius if their demands are not met". Spectator reminds performer that this is just a show, that performer should calm down, and that all they have to do is find the selected card. Increasingly agitated, performer begins screaming some lunatic gibberish. Spectator lunges for detonator but is unfortunately not fast enough. Everything within two-kilometre radius is vapourized WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE SELECTED CARD.

(d) Needle Thru Testicle: Plays big, packs small, screams loud.

(e) Mystical Pizza: Performer is hauled off against their will to meat-packing plant. Performer then emerges as low-end, commercial grade pepperoni. Pizza is prepared by sweaty, minimum-wage pizza maker and is
served up at luncheon attended by members of the International Dice Bomb Huggers Association (IDBHA).

--

[written the day following Blaine's "Frozen In Time" TV special]

TOP FIVE ENDURANCE STUNTS I'D PERFORM IF I HAD ANY KNACK FOR SUCCESSFUL SELF-PROMOTION

5. "Frozen In Tri-Binate-Methyladanate-UX34-Nobidium": Performer spends 60+ hours suspended in a vat of that frightening orange powder included in every box of Kraft Dinner.

4. "Frozen In Thyme": A more endurable version of Blaine's stunt guaranteed to confuse at least some part of the populace into tuning in.

3. "Frozen In A Canadian Winter": Actually do this every year but the press doesn't seem terribly enthralled by my heroic efforts.

2. "Frozen To Some Big Mofo's Insanely Huge Ass": Unfortunately, for some out there, this may not be viewed as unpleasant.

...and the number one endurance stunt I'd perform if I had any knack for successful self-promotion...

1. "Frozen In Bed With Some Cozy Blankets, A Few Good Books, And A Tasty Cup O' Cocoa": This has moving bravery written all over it.

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS MAGIC IS DESTINED FOR GREAT THINGS IN 2004

5. An increasing number of magic competitions committing to more stringent and aggressive testing for performance-enhancing substances.

4. JD continues to postpone his world tour: "Ramblings 2004: Magic, Music, Mirth, & Intestines"

3. More performers in powder blue tuxedoes; it's time we look professional again.

2. Encouragingly low global inflation statistics suggest prices at the magic shop probably won't move up very meaningfully this year...ahem...cough, cough...mmmph ... mmmmmmmph ... mmmmmMMHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOOHOOHOOOHOOOOOOO ...hahahahahaha...hee hee hee...sniff, sniff...whew.

...and the number one sign magic is destined for great things in 2004...

1. Already 3 months into the new year and no sign of "Dice Bomb II: A Rebirth"

--

JD

Time to look back at my 2003 WORLD OF MAGIC PREDICTIONS and see how I fared:

Prediction: In an effort to keep taking things to the next level, David Copperfield's new illusion premise will be Multiplying Earths.

Reality: Well I blew this one good. David Copperfield surprised us all with his "Milky Way Mayhem: Pluto & Jupiter Collide" TV special.

-

Prediction: A renegade team of Dice Bomb Liberation Front (DBLF) paratroopers will commandeer some bumper cars in Disneyland, demanding the release of all Dice Bomb political prisoners being held by the federal government.

Reality: Close. Some deranged inmate escaped from PrisonDisney (tm), Disney's theme park / penitentiary, got hold of a couple of black-market Dice Bombs, and tossed them at some kindly old ladies.

-

Prediction: An oil price shock will be triggered by Tenyo's insatiable appetite for injection moulding.

Reality: Way off. Tenyo went green and now produces with 100% hemp.

-

Prediction: Orgasmo The Great will finally understand why his introduction is always met by audience giggles.

Reality: I was bang on. On a side note, he's a little mystified at the reaction to his new name, Penizio The Scrotumtastic.

-

Prediction: The US Playing Card Co. will fess up on this Hollywood control thingy.

Reality: Way wrong. Not only did it not fess up, it took a contract out on me. Suddenly, "Cards As Weapons" is not a book I like.

-

Prediction: FOX will air a "Really Really Difficult Sleight Of Hand Techniques Finally Revealed, Not That Any Of You Can Ever Hope To Do Them Since It Is More Of A Knack Thing" TV special.

Reality: Pretty close. FOX aired "Sleight Of Hand Techniques That Look Pretty Cool In Writing But No One Will Ever Bother To Learn Finally Revealed".

-

Prediction: Siegfried & Roy will become Siegfried, Roy, Ernie, & Bert.

Reality. Bang on, but with a caveat. Ernie & Bert did finally partner up with the legendary illusionist duo, but Ernie pulled a power move (some think triggered by his coke-fueled megalomaniac ambitions) that resulted in the troupe being renamed Ernie, Siegfried, Roy, & Pointyhead.

-

Prediction: Uri Geller will finally admit to using subterfuge and, through the gracious stringpulling of James Randi, will end up headlining his very own glittery revue at the Bellagio.

Reality: Bad call. Turned out Uri Geller actually had amazingly powerful psychic powers and he now rules over most of the planet and the immediate universe, not to mention he collected Randi's challenge money.

-

Prediction: Simon Lovell will phone me and tell me it's OK, I'm not a loser if I cannot second deal, although at the same time admitting to me the whole loser thing was a close call.

Reality: This one is unclear. Lovell didn't phone me up, but I know he thinks I'm a loser.

-

Prediction: Hippity Hop Dildoes will emerge as the most popular parlour effect since the 1992 introduction of Card In Hemorrhage.

Reality: Wrong. Potential buyers did not like the fact that "Batteries Are Not Included".

...and...

Prediction: Global world peace will finally take hold only to be scuttled by some nasty David Blaine argument on MT that grows way out of proportion.

Reality: Somewhat hazy, if not ironic. David Blaine is now heading up the special UN delegation negotiating the peace treaty between the Zorganians and Uri Geller.

--

TOP FIVE MAGIC CHRISTMAS GIFTS I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT

5. Magic Baby Steps: A Pre-Beginner's Primer on the Rudimentary Introduction to Elemental Magic's Most Fundamental Basics.

4. The Dice Bomb Encyclopaedia: A Fascinating 850-Page Compendium of This Little Miracle's Beginnings, Evolution, & Current Place Among The Elite of Magical Phenomena.

3. The Wonderment Wand: Not Just A Wand, But Fifteen Handy Tools in One.

2. Jumpin' Johnny Jiminy's 500-Gallon Tub O' Wax: Never, Ever, Never, Ever, Ever, Never Run Out of Wax Again, OK? Never, Ever, Never.

...and the number one magic Christmas gift I could have done without...

1. Visible Thread

-

JD

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXXI)

Conventions continue to be the most meaningfully anticipated events for amateur and professional magicians alike. Over the years, countless stories involving special convention moments or people have been recounted, many of them considered watershed events in magic's colourful history. What do scholars generally agree is the most memorable from among these wonderful anecdotes?

(a) Billy Bob's Boston Brouhaha (1972): The year 1972 would represent legendary Boston magic dealer Billy Bob O'Grady's last Brouhaha, this after 27 successful annual conventions. So important a moment it was, most of Billy Bob's extended family attended the three-day convention. Wanting to make the event special, in particular because Billy Bob was hotly despised with such a deep loathing that simple words cannot capture the venomous hatred that characterized his every relationship, several of Billy Bob's old comrades decided to surprise Billy Bob in the parking lot after the Friday night close-up competition. Hoo-boy, let me tell you, it was not pretty. No sirreeee.

(b) Chicago Chicaneries (1966): The 1966 edition of the Chicago Chicaneries, the only edition of this short-lived gathering of magic, was memorable for the fact that no one attended; no sponsors, no performers, no lecturers, no spectators, nobody...nada. No hall was booked, no tickets sold, no programs printed, nothing...nothing at all. This may be, in fact, the only time this convention has ever been mentioned. Ask anyone in Chicago if they have ever heard of it and they'll deny it; they would, wouldn't they? Typical.

(c) Magilicious 1991 (1993): Magilicious, the convention that promised to "...make the magic so delicious, it is magilicious...", took an interesting turn during its 1993 run. The story is told that famed sleight-of-hand expert, Hans Fasderdandeii, was demonstrating some innovative, "underground" moves during a late-night breakout session. So innovative and breathtaking were his new sleights, the next morning several federal agents were waiting for Fasderdandeii in the close-up room. Upon his arrival, he was roughed up, cuffed, and taken away. Fasderdandeii was ever heard from again. I guess the message here is it's ok to be good, but not too good.

(d) The Everest Enclave (1992): This ill-conceived magic convention was held on the peak of Mount Everest in 1992. Although most attendees successfully clambered to the top of this imposing mountain, severe weather conditions disrupted the sound system during the stage competition and many went home feeling somewhat disappointed.

(e) DiceBombFest (1977): Held annually in Lausanne, Switzerland, DiceBombFest is not so much a magic convention but more of a deeply moving three-day ceremony of reverence and veneration for all things Dice Bomb. In 1977, several non-believers infiltrated the well-guarded compound of Dicebombinus, leader of the right-wing DiceBombers sect and host of DiceBombFest, and attempted to hand out pamphlets warning of the dangers of lengthy exposure to this marvel of modern science. The non-believers were set upon by the crowd and subjected to a nasty Dicebombing. Some of the few lucky ones who escaped the carnage noted having heard Dicebombinus proclaim: "Let he who has not triple-undercutted cast the first Dice Bomb..."

--

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

If you find it difficult to use the ITR given the invisibility, the generous use of fluorescent ribbons is a surprisingly effective guide.

Siegfried & Roy were originally Siegfried, Roy, & Schultz until the "incident".

Double lifts are infinitely more convincing when both cards are held in the same hand.

Some magicians deal with their stage fright by downing enormous quantities of alcoholic beverages before the show. The ones who are actually performing in the show drink even more.

Although P.T. Selbit came up with his name by reversing Tibbles, his actual name, there is no truth to the rumour Doug Henning came up with his name by reversing Gninneh.

Storing an appearing cane in your pocket will lead to either (a) a modest injury; or, (b) a phone number.

When magic shop owners tell you "it's on back order", what they really mean is "we weren't going to bother stocking this loser until you came along".

There are plenty of practical solutions for performers plagued with sweaty palms, we just aren't familiar with any of them.

...and...

When pleasantly asked "How did you do that?" by a well-intentioned spectator, the performer's best course of action is to respond with "Get out of my face you little worm." This not only conveys your respect for magic's golden rule, it also ensures the jackass gets out of your goddam face.

--

TOP FIVE THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN DEALING WITH STAGE FRIGHT

5. Sometimes when the crowd sounds like it's saying "Booooooooooo...", it's really saying "Youuuuuuuuuuuu..." as in "Youuuuuuuuuuuuuu are the best.". So don't sweat it.

4. Have one hand on your pants zipper at all times; you never know what might happen and you want to be ready to invoke the DTP (tm) technique.

3. It's O.K. if you mess up one trick. No one will remember.

2. No, number three is not true. Everyone will remember. If you mess up even one trick, you're pretty much finished...and that means forever, man.

...and the number one thing to remember when dealing with stage fright...

1. If you must imagine the audience is naked in order to deal with your stage fright, avoid performing in trailer parks.

--

JD

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

David Copperfield only went with that name after experiencing difficulties fitting A Tale Of Two Cities on his driver's license.

When magic dealers say they no longer have an item in stock, they actually do; it's just they don't like your face, man.

The Chicago police force's SWAT team was recently outfitted with Dice Bombs in lieu of pepper spray.

T. Nelson Downs was the King of Koins. Although many remain unsure what a koin is (koin is similar to the old English term koen which is a type of wheelbarrow, but it is unlikely he was the wheelbarrow king) some scholars believe koin is actually a play on the word coin. This makes sense since Downs was considered one of magic's formidable coin experts.

Harry Houdini was not his original name; it was, in fact, Ehrich Houdini.

The Crystal Silk Cylinder is not made with crystal but, rather, some fascinating space-age material.

The Invisible Deck is, in fact, visible, although no one is entirely certain what happens when their back is turned.

A recent worldwide survey of torturers revealed none of them is familiar with the Chinese Water Torture Cell. When you think about it, padlocking someone face down in a box full of water isn't torture, it's more of a drowning thing. Perhaps it should be called the Chinese Water Drowning Cell.

The Double Lift was originally entitled the 50-Card Undercut.

Ringo Starr couldn't second deal if his life depended on it.

Although Robert Houdin has long been considered the "Father of Modern Magic", recent DNA testing reveals that Modern (who would later go by the nickname Mo) may, in fact, have been fathered by someone else. It is for this reason Mo Magic was eventually considered the First Bastard of Magic.

This blog is actually a daily compilation of secret coded messages to alien invaders on the planet Zetar in the Pyrithian galaxy. You accidentally stumbled upon it and were, until now, completely unaware of its real purpose. Creepy, no?

Columbus used a gyroscope to discover America. NASA used a gyroscope to put a man on the moon. P.T.Selbit used one to build the Mighty Cheese.

Manipulating sponge balls can be very agonizing for the sponge. We recommend going with synthetics.

Doug Henning went with his famous "NOW!" magical incantation only after finding that "WHEN!" was far too ambiguous.

If the playing card cartel were to decide one day to make playing cards triangular rather than their current shape, virtually 75% of card sleights would become obsolete. The chance this could happen is a pretty compelling reason to stop practising.

Lance Burton has a really cool first name: Lance. I mean, who would mess with someone named Lance?

When David Copperfield vanished the Statue of Liberty, a "little piece of America" vanished as well. Good thing he brought it back.

Table-hopping is a useful restaurant performance technique only, and only if one understands exactly what is meant by table-hopping. Otherwise it is just embarrassing.

The Thomas Meier who won the 1997 FISM close-up contest at age 19 is not the same Thomas Meier with whom I went to high school, he just goes by the same name.

An extensive 1997 survey of households in China revealed none of them owned a set of Linking Rings leading to speculation the whole "Chinese" Linking Rings thing is merely a marketing ploy.

It may be no simple coincidence the word "bomb" appears in Dice Bomb.

...and...

According to the Office of Statistics and Programming, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, just over 11 out of every 100,000 Americans screwed up the infamous Bullet Catch Trick in 2003.

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TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR HOME'S HALLOWEEN DISPLAY MIGHT TRIGGER CONTROVERSY

5. The far, far, far, far too extensive use of blowtorches, gasoline-soaked rags, and gunpowder for that "Hellfire" effect.

4. Your display is of unparalleled quality with authentic-looking gravestones and realistic-looking corpses. Unfortunately, not only is the local paper running a story reporting an overnight break-in and theft at
the local cemetery, your mental blackouts are lasting longer and are increasingly exhausting.

3. You consider nudity frightening and are going to great lengths to demonstrate why.

2. You cancelled your garbage removal service six months ago in order to achieve "the right effect".

...and the number one sign your home's Halloween display might trigger controversy...

1. You're one of those people with a bale of hay, a basket of apples, and a happy-looking scarecrow.

[OK, I admit it, you'll only trigger a controversy with me on that last one. If you promise to make your display a little scarier, I won't send you a bubble machine.]

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXVII)

Some magicians believe magic effects should always be quick and straight to the point. Another school of thought says it is good to occasionally work in an effect that is more involved, with added steps, and other structural whatnot. Unfortunately, this performance style is sometimes taken to extremes. Although the jury is out, what do scholars generally agree is the most tedious piece of magic ever to emerge on the professional scene?

(a) Decked Out: Spectator selects card, commits it to memory, and shuffles it back into deck. Performer takes deck and executes a rapid series of flourishes and cuts. Performer then slowly and deliberately deals out ten five-card poker hands leaving two remaining cards which are tabled face up; we'll call them Card 1 and Card 2. The poker hands are turned over in sequence; each subsequent hand beats the previous one shown, and this is repeated all the way to the tenth hand. But wait, that's not all. The spectator is then asked to add up the values of the cards in each hand, calculate the product of these resulting ten numbers, and then determine the most proximate prime number. This prime number is then multiplied by the value of the second differential of a previously selected algebraic function and taken to the power of the product of Card 1 and Card 2. At this point, the significant information overload typically causes the spectator to begin bleeding from the ears and eyes. The performer hands them a white handkerchief to sop up the pouring blood. The handkerchief is handed back, opened, and the blood has formed a pattern. It is the selected card.

(b) Me-Time-Morphosis: Similar to the standard sub trunk stage illusion, Me-Time-Morphosis is designed to fool even the greatest of sceptics. On stage is a pile of lumber, a table saw, boxes of nails, several hammers, hinges and latches, some chains and padlocks, and a glittery sub trunk curtain. Several volunteering spectators are invited to come up on stage. Once there, the spectators are instructed to construct, from scratch, a trunk that will hold the magician. In order to make the process as efficient as possible, the spectators are given blueprints. While the trunk is being constructed, some very dramatic background music plays to create the necessary level of suspense. Once constructed, the performer goes straight into the sub trunk routine. You can fill an entire, two-hour evening show with this one illusion, depending, of course, on the carpentry skills of your volunteers. Trust us: those spectators who bother sticking around to the end, and we believe some possibly may, will be completely baffled.

(c) Knock 'Em Dead Book Test: For those mentalists who wish, in no uncertain terms, to illustrate their mentalism talents, one need look no further than the Knock 'Em Dead Book Test. A spectator randomly selects a book. The performer asks the spectator to go to page one and, without any fudge-o moves whatsoever, proceeds to mentally read off the first sentence of the book. But wait, that's not all. In order to prove that the performer has not just memorized the first sentence of each book , the performer proceeds to read a few more sentences. But wait, that's not all. To emphasize the fairness of the whole thing, the performer continues to finish off the first page and works all the way to the end of the chapter. But wait, that's not all. To really bring it home, the performer proceeds to mentally read the entire book, that's right, the entire thing from cover to cover. A fascinating combination of powerful mentalism and long-winded storytelling.

(d) Dice Bomb Dreams: From the creative mind of magic's own Jeff Zestyitaliansaladdressing, Dice Bomb Dreams is an incredible journey into the Dice Bomb Parallel Universe, one where everyone and everything is Dice Bomb. Although the effect itself defies description, last month's issue of Dice Bomb Aficionado described Dice Bomb Dreams as "...a veritable festival o' things Dice Bomb..." In contrast, this month's Magicality commented that Dice Bomb Dreams was "...a hellish nightmare destined to trigger a nuclear holocaust of apocalyptic proportions..." We'll let you decide for yourself.

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JD