Wednesday, February 18, 2004
So far, so good...
Dear Ramblings readers...I will be on the road for the next week and a half, both for work and a small wedge of R&R. As a result, JD's Ramblings will not be updated with any material until Monday, March 1st. Stay healthy, stay tuned.
Most of all...stay away from all things Dice Bomb.
JD
Most of all...stay away from all things Dice Bomb.
JD
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Cemetery Magic, Nuclear Magic, & Other Ramblings
Ed's note: This Ramblings was compiled from a couple of Ramblings originally posted in June, 2001. If you have a copy of the originals, you will notice two significant changes have been made. You will also know why they were made. What you nor I will never really know is the source of the bizarre prescience.
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE
Mentalism, in all its various forms, represents an interesting branch of magic. Focusing less on traditional pursuits like sleight-of-hand, and more on psychology and a deep understanding of human nature, the field of mentalism is one of mesmerizing wonderment. What do scholars generally agree is one of the most powerful commercially available mentalism routines in existence today?
(a) Psi-Anide: A compelling routine wherein the mentalist attempts to determine who, from among a group of volunteering spectators poised to ingest ludicrous quantities of cyanide, will die first.
(b) Inti-Mind-Ation: Performer writes a prediction on a chalkboard which faces away from audience. A spectator comes forward and is strapped into a chair with nylon restraints. The spectator is then asked to name any number that comes to mind. The spectator is then asked to name another number, but this time a "better" number. After a few more attempts, several somewhat shady "magician's assistants" are called out on stage to "reason" with the spectator. This goes on until such time the spectator says the "right" number. The chalkboard is turned around and the prediction matches the spectator's number. Comes complete with chalkboard, chalk, and nylon restraints. Easy clean-up.
(c) X-Zoom: Performing in a cemetery, the mentalist writes a number on a piece of paper which is then folded and handed to a spectator. The spectator's recently deceased loved one is then dug up, the change taken from the pockets, and the value of the coins is summed. The prediction is opened and it matches the total. Comes complete with pen, paper, that special something, and shovel. Can be repeated.
(d) Plane Of Thought: Performer is thoroughly blindfolded in keeping with standard test criteria, handcuffed, tied up, dipped in paraffin, sealed in a canvas bag, and stored in a hermetically sealed sarcophagus. The sarcophagus is then placed at the controls of a fully-loaded, commercial 767-300. Despite the encumbrances, performer successfully takes off, flies to destination, lands, and puts aircraft at appropriate gate for passenger deplaning. Still sealed, the sarcophagus is placed outside the cockpit during deplaning and the pilot extends muffled best wishes to passengers with a standard "B'bye". Comes complete with everything necessary to perform this reputation-maker. Instant reset.
(e) New-Ronz: A leading-edge piece of comedy mentalism. The pros' favourite. U.K. mentalist, Arsenal Manchester, writing in the September issue of MindPlux asserted in regards to New-Ronz "Isn't this illegal?". We say something this good should be against the law and...YOWZA!...probably is. Performer holds up a large envelope, states they will "read someone's mind", and asks for an audience volunteer to step forward. The lights are dimmed. The spectator is then injected with something which appears to put them under. The performer then uses a scalpel and saw to open the spectator's head and removed their brain. The envelope is opened and a charming, space-age plastic card is removed. The card is turned over and a beautiful, three-colour, silk-screened image of a human brain is shown. It "matches" the spectator's brain. Performer has succeeded in "reading the spectator's mind". Hilarious. Plays well, packs small.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XVII)
Comedy magic is popular with magicians and audiences alike. A unique and compelling blend of slapstick, humour, bits of business, and time-honed prestidigitatory skills, this particular segment of magic is a favourite among professional platform magicians. What do scholars generally agree is the most powerful comedy magic routine in existence today?
(a) New Clear Explosion: Described by reviewer Tosh Tritt in this month's issue of Gag! as the "...dangerously insane machinations of a menacing sociopath...this man must be stopped at all costs...", New Clear Explosion provides the comedy performer with the ability to trigger a full-scale, global thermonuclear confrontation. Imagine the possibilities: a card is selected, lost in the deck, and performer is seemingly unable to locate selection. After a few select bits of comedic interplay, the magician points to the sky where a nuclear warhead-equipped intercontinental ballistic missile is screaming towards some local strategic target; SPRAY-PAINTED ON THE SIDE IS THE SPECTATOR'S SELECTION! Funny, funny stuff. Comes with everything including hacking software, secret Russian nuclear key codes, and that special something. Plays big, packs small.
(b) Comedy BBQ Dove Pan: Performer goes through standard dove pan routine: i.e., pan is filled with lighter fluid and flash paper, set alight, and cover quickly put on. Cover is removed and, presto, a beautiful, breathtaking white dove has appeared. But wait! That's not all! Without any fudge-o moves, the pan somehow reignites engulfing the dove in a colourful dance of licking flames. The shrill, piercing wail emanating from this fire fantasy provides all sorts of opportunities for gags and bits of business. Hilarious. Comes complete with pan, gimmick, and PETA restraining order.
(c) Clatter Stage: For the serious comedy performer. Based on the same principle as the Clatter Box and the Comedy Broken Wand, the Clatter Stage represents the biggest feat in modern magic engineering since the introduction of the time-honoured Dice Bomb. It plays like this: Performer invites volunteering spectator to join him on stage. Once there, performer requests that spectator remain absolutely still. Performer then leaves stage, takes spectator's seat, and reminds spectator not to move. Rest assured, folks, he will eventually move, if only slightly. At that point, performer screams "I warned you!" just as stage collapses into a heap of splintery lumber and twisted metal. This is a high-octane laugh-getter; the potential for comedic byplay is endless. Comes complete with lumber, metal, that special something, and a "Jaws Of Life" just like the professionals use.
(d) Ex-Rats-Aganza: You thought Penn & Teller's Rat Cage routine was something, well imagine this: Performer is halfway through a standard Square Circle production routine, the stage cluttered with feather
bouquets, streamers, silks, parasols, and other colourful wotnot. Performer reaches back in to produce next object, but something appears to go wrong. Very wrong. Performer breaks into a blood-curdling scream and quickly pulls out hand which appears to have been savagely ravaged by some sort of dangerous rodent. All of a sudden, a cat-sized, yellow-toothed rat peaks his head over the edge of the production box. He darts out and into the audience. Much laughter ensues as people jump out of their seats. But wait! There's more! Performer whistles and out comes dozens upon dozens upon dozens of additional cat-sized rats, an endless stream of dull-grey, pink-tailed rodents, all of them scurrying into and onto the audience. Yowza! You'll never laugh this hard again! Guaranteed! Comes complete with standard Square Circle and rats. You supply the rest.
(e) Top-All: Who can forget the classic comedy Floating Piano? We take this side-splitter one step further. On the driveway of the party host's home, the performer has before him a 3-4 foot tall stack of wooden blocks. Stating he will demonstrate his psychokinetic capabilities by knocking the blocks down with only the power of thought, the performer tells audience to watch carefully and goes into a mock concentration pose. After a little while, nothing has happened and performer begins to appear somewhat concerned. Well, folks, hold unto your hats! In the background, the host's home begins to sway, gently at first but ultimately to the point where it collapses, destroying all of the host's family belongings, including all the treasured heirlooms and other irreplaceable personal valuables. Throughout all of this, the performer's gaze never veers from his stack of wooden blocks. Hoo-boy, if this ain't standing-o material, what is? Funny, funny stuff. Comes complete with wooden blocks and that special something.
--
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR REGISTRATION FOR NEXT YEAR'S CONVENTION WILL BE CONVENIENTLY LOST
5. You insisted on organizing a tailgate party, "The Riffles 'n' Ribs Kegger & Tequila Blowout", in the parking lot before the doors opened on both Saturday and Sunday morning.
4. You stood up on your chair before every guest magician's lecture to loudly inform the participants that immediately following the lecture you would be in the hotel lobby to provide the "...real work on this bozo's half-baked ideas..."
3. You set up a full-fledged trading board in the dealers' room, complete with real-time quotes, to make money arbitraging the price discrepancies among the various dealers.
2. You heckled during the "Memories of Dai Vernon" video presentation.
...and the number one sign your registration for next year's convention will be conveniently lost...
1. Four out of every five conversations you had over the weekend ended with you screaming "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?"
--
JD
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE
Mentalism, in all its various forms, represents an interesting branch of magic. Focusing less on traditional pursuits like sleight-of-hand, and more on psychology and a deep understanding of human nature, the field of mentalism is one of mesmerizing wonderment. What do scholars generally agree is one of the most powerful commercially available mentalism routines in existence today?
(a) Psi-Anide: A compelling routine wherein the mentalist attempts to determine who, from among a group of volunteering spectators poised to ingest ludicrous quantities of cyanide, will die first.
(b) Inti-Mind-Ation: Performer writes a prediction on a chalkboard which faces away from audience. A spectator comes forward and is strapped into a chair with nylon restraints. The spectator is then asked to name any number that comes to mind. The spectator is then asked to name another number, but this time a "better" number. After a few more attempts, several somewhat shady "magician's assistants" are called out on stage to "reason" with the spectator. This goes on until such time the spectator says the "right" number. The chalkboard is turned around and the prediction matches the spectator's number. Comes complete with chalkboard, chalk, and nylon restraints. Easy clean-up.
(c) X-Zoom: Performing in a cemetery, the mentalist writes a number on a piece of paper which is then folded and handed to a spectator. The spectator's recently deceased loved one is then dug up, the change taken from the pockets, and the value of the coins is summed. The prediction is opened and it matches the total. Comes complete with pen, paper, that special something, and shovel. Can be repeated.
(d) Plane Of Thought: Performer is thoroughly blindfolded in keeping with standard test criteria, handcuffed, tied up, dipped in paraffin, sealed in a canvas bag, and stored in a hermetically sealed sarcophagus. The sarcophagus is then placed at the controls of a fully-loaded, commercial 767-300. Despite the encumbrances, performer successfully takes off, flies to destination, lands, and puts aircraft at appropriate gate for passenger deplaning. Still sealed, the sarcophagus is placed outside the cockpit during deplaning and the pilot extends muffled best wishes to passengers with a standard "B'bye". Comes complete with everything necessary to perform this reputation-maker. Instant reset.
(e) New-Ronz: A leading-edge piece of comedy mentalism. The pros' favourite. U.K. mentalist, Arsenal Manchester, writing in the September issue of MindPlux asserted in regards to New-Ronz "Isn't this illegal?". We say something this good should be against the law and...YOWZA!...probably is. Performer holds up a large envelope, states they will "read someone's mind", and asks for an audience volunteer to step forward. The lights are dimmed. The spectator is then injected with something which appears to put them under. The performer then uses a scalpel and saw to open the spectator's head and removed their brain. The envelope is opened and a charming, space-age plastic card is removed. The card is turned over and a beautiful, three-colour, silk-screened image of a human brain is shown. It "matches" the spectator's brain. Performer has succeeded in "reading the spectator's mind". Hilarious. Plays well, packs small.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XVII)
Comedy magic is popular with magicians and audiences alike. A unique and compelling blend of slapstick, humour, bits of business, and time-honed prestidigitatory skills, this particular segment of magic is a favourite among professional platform magicians. What do scholars generally agree is the most powerful comedy magic routine in existence today?
(a) New Clear Explosion: Described by reviewer Tosh Tritt in this month's issue of Gag! as the "...dangerously insane machinations of a menacing sociopath...this man must be stopped at all costs...", New Clear Explosion provides the comedy performer with the ability to trigger a full-scale, global thermonuclear confrontation. Imagine the possibilities: a card is selected, lost in the deck, and performer is seemingly unable to locate selection. After a few select bits of comedic interplay, the magician points to the sky where a nuclear warhead-equipped intercontinental ballistic missile is screaming towards some local strategic target; SPRAY-PAINTED ON THE SIDE IS THE SPECTATOR'S SELECTION! Funny, funny stuff. Comes with everything including hacking software, secret Russian nuclear key codes, and that special something. Plays big, packs small.
(b) Comedy BBQ Dove Pan: Performer goes through standard dove pan routine: i.e., pan is filled with lighter fluid and flash paper, set alight, and cover quickly put on. Cover is removed and, presto, a beautiful, breathtaking white dove has appeared. But wait! That's not all! Without any fudge-o moves, the pan somehow reignites engulfing the dove in a colourful dance of licking flames. The shrill, piercing wail emanating from this fire fantasy provides all sorts of opportunities for gags and bits of business. Hilarious. Comes complete with pan, gimmick, and PETA restraining order.
(c) Clatter Stage: For the serious comedy performer. Based on the same principle as the Clatter Box and the Comedy Broken Wand, the Clatter Stage represents the biggest feat in modern magic engineering since the introduction of the time-honoured Dice Bomb. It plays like this: Performer invites volunteering spectator to join him on stage. Once there, performer requests that spectator remain absolutely still. Performer then leaves stage, takes spectator's seat, and reminds spectator not to move. Rest assured, folks, he will eventually move, if only slightly. At that point, performer screams "I warned you!" just as stage collapses into a heap of splintery lumber and twisted metal. This is a high-octane laugh-getter; the potential for comedic byplay is endless. Comes complete with lumber, metal, that special something, and a "Jaws Of Life" just like the professionals use.
(d) Ex-Rats-Aganza: You thought Penn & Teller's Rat Cage routine was something, well imagine this: Performer is halfway through a standard Square Circle production routine, the stage cluttered with feather
bouquets, streamers, silks, parasols, and other colourful wotnot. Performer reaches back in to produce next object, but something appears to go wrong. Very wrong. Performer breaks into a blood-curdling scream and quickly pulls out hand which appears to have been savagely ravaged by some sort of dangerous rodent. All of a sudden, a cat-sized, yellow-toothed rat peaks his head over the edge of the production box. He darts out and into the audience. Much laughter ensues as people jump out of their seats. But wait! There's more! Performer whistles and out comes dozens upon dozens upon dozens of additional cat-sized rats, an endless stream of dull-grey, pink-tailed rodents, all of them scurrying into and onto the audience. Yowza! You'll never laugh this hard again! Guaranteed! Comes complete with standard Square Circle and rats. You supply the rest.
(e) Top-All: Who can forget the classic comedy Floating Piano? We take this side-splitter one step further. On the driveway of the party host's home, the performer has before him a 3-4 foot tall stack of wooden blocks. Stating he will demonstrate his psychokinetic capabilities by knocking the blocks down with only the power of thought, the performer tells audience to watch carefully and goes into a mock concentration pose. After a little while, nothing has happened and performer begins to appear somewhat concerned. Well, folks, hold unto your hats! In the background, the host's home begins to sway, gently at first but ultimately to the point where it collapses, destroying all of the host's family belongings, including all the treasured heirlooms and other irreplaceable personal valuables. Throughout all of this, the performer's gaze never veers from his stack of wooden blocks. Hoo-boy, if this ain't standing-o material, what is? Funny, funny stuff. Comes complete with wooden blocks and that special something.
--
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR REGISTRATION FOR NEXT YEAR'S CONVENTION WILL BE CONVENIENTLY LOST
5. You insisted on organizing a tailgate party, "The Riffles 'n' Ribs Kegger & Tequila Blowout", in the parking lot before the doors opened on both Saturday and Sunday morning.
4. You stood up on your chair before every guest magician's lecture to loudly inform the participants that immediately following the lecture you would be in the hotel lobby to provide the "...real work on this bozo's half-baked ideas..."
3. You set up a full-fledged trading board in the dealers' room, complete with real-time quotes, to make money arbitraging the price discrepancies among the various dealers.
2. You heckled during the "Memories of Dai Vernon" video presentation.
...and the number one sign your registration for next year's convention will be conveniently lost...
1. Four out of every five conversations you had over the weekend ended with you screaming "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?"
--
JD
Monday, February 16, 2004
House Party Magic, Bazoomas, & Other Ramblings
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CVII)
Private house parties represent a unique opportunity for the hired magician to attach an emotional hook to his or her performance. The host or hostess is typically delighted by the interaction between the magician, the magic, and the unique and special setting of their home. What do scholars generally agree is the one routine guaranteed to highlight this special bond?
(a) Ace-Phalt: The host selects a card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. The performer appears unable to locate the selection. The guests are now asked to gather on the front lawn of the host's beautiful home. The performer gets into the "Backhoe of Magic", drives up to the curb, and begins ripping up the driveway. Found inexplicably imbedded in the gravel beneath the shredded asphalt is the host's selection.
(b) Sofa So Good: The performer claims to have acquired power to walk on water. To demonstrate this ability, the performer has several guests carry host's expensive leather couch into backyard. The performer approaches the host's swimming pool, makes several magical gestures, and then asks that couch be tossed in. Upon hitting the water, the couch does not sink, but instead REMAINS MAGICALLY SUSPENDED ON THE SURFACE! Those of you familiar with the Slush Powder principle are probably already one step ahead but appreciate the makers of Sofa So Good are making this magical product available in industrial quantities. Comes in 20lb. tubs, each good for one performance.
(c) All Cool Coin: Reviewing this comedic masterpiece in this month's Magicalicious, Las Vegas pro Tom Tipp called All Cool Coin "...perhaps the most horrendous and disgusting travesty ever to stain the world of magic...a black mark...these conniving bastards should be prosecuted..." In other words, this is clearly the ultimate attention-getter. One of the party's guests is asked to remove a coin from their pocket and to mark it for future identification. The performer places the coin into a small, folded piece of flash paper. The paper is lit and the coin has vanished. The performer appears unable to bring coin back. The party continues and the performer begins to hang around the host's bar, first doing shooters, progressively guzzling straight from the bottles. At this point, the performer becomes increasingly obnoxious, eventually asking the host if "there'sh anymore boosh anywhere for chrissakes?!". The performer then makes a particularly lewd remark and gets into a shoving match with one of the guests. Next, the performer crumples into a heap in a corner of the host's living room and begins projectile vomiting on some expensive artwork. A "ping" is heard as the stream passes by a somewhat tacky reproduction of the Venus de Milo. The source of the "ping" is found by a spectator. It is the marked coin.
(d) Dis-Car-Very: A spectator is asked to write name of someone "special" on a piece of paper. The spectator then folds the paper. The performer takes the folded paper, sets it alight, and lets it burn. The ashes are dipped into and rubbed on the performer's arm. The ashes smudge, but nothing is revealed. The performer feigns disappointment when, all of a sudden, the host's car comes crashing through their living room's bay window, although no one appears to be driving it. But wait, that's not all. The performer points to the car which is now half inside the house, half out, and etched into the hood in large letters is the spectator's "special" name.
(e) Extravaganza O' Delicates: The performer leaves room for a brief moment and returns with the hostess' underwear drawer in hand. The contents of the drawer is displayed one by one and placed into the Magic Bag. The performer then reaches into the bag to grab the first item, and as it is pulled out, spectators can see that all of the private undergarments are now joined in a delightful stream of delicate unmentionables. For added effect, this can also be performed with used personal items from the laundry hamper.
--
TOP FIVE WAYS GUARANTEED TO IRRITATE THE GUY WHO RUNS THE MAGIC SHOP
5. Hang around the counter. Every time someone comes in and asks the owner whether or not one of the new items in stock is any good, at the same time breathing in sharply, grimacing, and shaking your head. Should the prospective customer ask you what the problem is, look sideways and say "Oh, nothing..."
4. Every time the owner quotes you a price, mention that "Fitzgibbon's Emporium O' Magic And Travel Agency" on the other side of town sells the same item for 20% less. When the owner tells you he's never heard of Fitzgibbon's always answer with "Yeah, I know...ol' Fitzy likes it that way..."
3. After every demo say "Ahhhh...ooookkaayyyyy...now I get it...anyway, thanks, got to hit the Home Depot before it closes..."
2. Ask for tricks that have not been invented by magicians that don't exist. "Do you have Bob Pladgett's 'Suplex-Duplex'?" Tell them it's all the rage on the Internet. When they say "no", mutter under your breath something which includes "dinosaur" and "get with the program".
...and the number one way guaranteed to irritate the guy who runs the magic shop...
1. During every visit, ask if the shipment of "new & improved" Dice Bombs has yet arrived.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE GETTING THE GIG
5. Your business card's small print indicates: "Personal cheques accepted. It's not like I don't know where you live you fraudulent, cheque-bouncing bastard!"
4. Your promotional material identifies you as "El Bombito Stupendo...Supreme Overlord Of All Things Dice Bomb".
3. Facing a crisis during your audition, you appropriately resorted to the Drop The Pants (tm) strategy as prescribed by the experts at the Unofficial Master Magicians' Institute. Unfortunately, you neglected to adhere to DTP (tm) application rule (17), sub-section (f): "...under no circumstances is the performer to invoke the DTP (tm) whilst swaddled in a Winnie-The-Pooh thong..."
2. "Butthole Illusions: A Magical Journey Inside", although perhaps intriguing for "pushing the envelope" from the perspective of magical originality, probably does not well serve the tastes of a broader audience.
...and the number one reason you probably won't be getting the gig...
1. "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! CHECK OUT THOSE BAZOOMAS!" was probably not the best way to greet your prospective client.
--
JD
Private house parties represent a unique opportunity for the hired magician to attach an emotional hook to his or her performance. The host or hostess is typically delighted by the interaction between the magician, the magic, and the unique and special setting of their home. What do scholars generally agree is the one routine guaranteed to highlight this special bond?
(a) Ace-Phalt: The host selects a card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. The performer appears unable to locate the selection. The guests are now asked to gather on the front lawn of the host's beautiful home. The performer gets into the "Backhoe of Magic", drives up to the curb, and begins ripping up the driveway. Found inexplicably imbedded in the gravel beneath the shredded asphalt is the host's selection.
(b) Sofa So Good: The performer claims to have acquired power to walk on water. To demonstrate this ability, the performer has several guests carry host's expensive leather couch into backyard. The performer approaches the host's swimming pool, makes several magical gestures, and then asks that couch be tossed in. Upon hitting the water, the couch does not sink, but instead REMAINS MAGICALLY SUSPENDED ON THE SURFACE! Those of you familiar with the Slush Powder principle are probably already one step ahead but appreciate the makers of Sofa So Good are making this magical product available in industrial quantities. Comes in 20lb. tubs, each good for one performance.
(c) All Cool Coin: Reviewing this comedic masterpiece in this month's Magicalicious, Las Vegas pro Tom Tipp called All Cool Coin "...perhaps the most horrendous and disgusting travesty ever to stain the world of magic...a black mark...these conniving bastards should be prosecuted..." In other words, this is clearly the ultimate attention-getter. One of the party's guests is asked to remove a coin from their pocket and to mark it for future identification. The performer places the coin into a small, folded piece of flash paper. The paper is lit and the coin has vanished. The performer appears unable to bring coin back. The party continues and the performer begins to hang around the host's bar, first doing shooters, progressively guzzling straight from the bottles. At this point, the performer becomes increasingly obnoxious, eventually asking the host if "there'sh anymore boosh anywhere for chrissakes?!". The performer then makes a particularly lewd remark and gets into a shoving match with one of the guests. Next, the performer crumples into a heap in a corner of the host's living room and begins projectile vomiting on some expensive artwork. A "ping" is heard as the stream passes by a somewhat tacky reproduction of the Venus de Milo. The source of the "ping" is found by a spectator. It is the marked coin.
(d) Dis-Car-Very: A spectator is asked to write name of someone "special" on a piece of paper. The spectator then folds the paper. The performer takes the folded paper, sets it alight, and lets it burn. The ashes are dipped into and rubbed on the performer's arm. The ashes smudge, but nothing is revealed. The performer feigns disappointment when, all of a sudden, the host's car comes crashing through their living room's bay window, although no one appears to be driving it. But wait, that's not all. The performer points to the car which is now half inside the house, half out, and etched into the hood in large letters is the spectator's "special" name.
(e) Extravaganza O' Delicates: The performer leaves room for a brief moment and returns with the hostess' underwear drawer in hand. The contents of the drawer is displayed one by one and placed into the Magic Bag. The performer then reaches into the bag to grab the first item, and as it is pulled out, spectators can see that all of the private undergarments are now joined in a delightful stream of delicate unmentionables. For added effect, this can also be performed with used personal items from the laundry hamper.
--
TOP FIVE WAYS GUARANTEED TO IRRITATE THE GUY WHO RUNS THE MAGIC SHOP
5. Hang around the counter. Every time someone comes in and asks the owner whether or not one of the new items in stock is any good, at the same time breathing in sharply, grimacing, and shaking your head. Should the prospective customer ask you what the problem is, look sideways and say "Oh, nothing..."
4. Every time the owner quotes you a price, mention that "Fitzgibbon's Emporium O' Magic And Travel Agency" on the other side of town sells the same item for 20% less. When the owner tells you he's never heard of Fitzgibbon's always answer with "Yeah, I know...ol' Fitzy likes it that way..."
3. After every demo say "Ahhhh...ooookkaayyyyy...now I get it...anyway, thanks, got to hit the Home Depot before it closes..."
2. Ask for tricks that have not been invented by magicians that don't exist. "Do you have Bob Pladgett's 'Suplex-Duplex'?" Tell them it's all the rage on the Internet. When they say "no", mutter under your breath something which includes "dinosaur" and "get with the program".
...and the number one way guaranteed to irritate the guy who runs the magic shop...
1. During every visit, ask if the shipment of "new & improved" Dice Bombs has yet arrived.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE GETTING THE GIG
5. Your business card's small print indicates: "Personal cheques accepted. It's not like I don't know where you live you fraudulent, cheque-bouncing bastard!"
4. Your promotional material identifies you as "El Bombito Stupendo...Supreme Overlord Of All Things Dice Bomb".
3. Facing a crisis during your audition, you appropriately resorted to the Drop The Pants (tm) strategy as prescribed by the experts at the Unofficial Master Magicians' Institute. Unfortunately, you neglected to adhere to DTP (tm) application rule (17), sub-section (f): "...under no circumstances is the performer to invoke the DTP (tm) whilst swaddled in a Winnie-The-Pooh thong..."
2. "Butthole Illusions: A Magical Journey Inside", although perhaps intriguing for "pushing the envelope" from the perspective of magical originality, probably does not well serve the tastes of a broader audience.
...and the number one reason you probably won't be getting the gig...
1. "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! CHECK OUT THOSE BAZOOMAS!" was probably not the best way to greet your prospective client.
--
JD
Friday, February 13, 2004
Card Revelations, Golf Magic, & Other Ramblings
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CIX)
John Kennedy's Mystery Card Box is considered one of the more popular recently released card revelation devices in magic. But the story does not end there. The effect is also an important touchstone on the path to one of magic's greatest and most sought-after objectives: the ultimate card revelation. What do scholars generally agree is the most promising card revelation routine from among the list of upcoming new releases?
(a) Card Smash: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician promptly lunges at spectator and pummels them into unconsciousness. When spectator comes to, the selection has been jammed up their nose. Yes, we recycled this one.
(b) Fender Bender Stupender: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician is apparently unable to reveal selection. On the drive home, spectator notices they are being tailgated. The other car eventually forces spectator' car off the road whereupon it rolls violently. Crawling out of the vehicle, and in obvious distress, spectator notices the signed selection is affixed to the underside of their vehicle.
(c) Midnight Impress: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Deck is put inside packet of high-grade heroin which is taped to spectator's body. Spectator is flown overseas to Turknestan whereupon they are arrested at airport customs and thrown into jail. During unspeakably savage "hazing" by violent inmates, spectator goes to their "happy place". A pixie fairy appears in spectator's increasingly deranged mind and reveals the selection.
(d) Carda Nostra: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician appears unable to reveal selection. Spectator snickers at magician's apparent ineptitude. Magician snaps fingers
whereupon several burly, albeit well-dressed individuals enter room. Spectator is roughed up and, in no uncertain terms, advised to let the matter drop.
(e) Pla-Card: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician is apparently unable to reveal selection. Spectator is parachuted in as interim dictator of small South American country, Bogalia. After several years of ruling with iron fist, spectator is subjected to growing dissent by left-wing protesters supported by a covert, CIA-funded militia. During violent coup attempt, crazed protester begins whacking spectator in the head with placard to which is stapled signed selection.
--
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOU CHOSE THE WRONG MAGIC E-RETAILER
5. The site's web address is www.bythetimewearedonewithyouyouwillwishyouweredead.com.
4. The site makes several references to "this crazy Internet thingamajigger".
3. One ad mentions things like "groundbreaking", "reputation-maker", "innovative breakthrough", "the hit of FISM 2000", and "a must-have". It's for magician's wax.
2. The small print politely asks you "allow 6-8 years for shipping" and you assume it's a typo.
...and the number one indication you chose the wrong magic e-retailer...
1. A free Dice Bomb with every purchase.
--
Last time 'round it was elevators, this time we provide suggestions on...
UNLEASHING THE MOMENT WHILE GOLFING
- Use a Sharpie to write "I'LL GET YOU! ! !" on several golf balls. On every second or third tee, when no one in your foursome is looking, toss the ball up in the air so it hits the ground in plain view. Let one of your foursome pick it up. Shade your eyes as you scan the course for the "culprit". Try to act as concerned as possible. Ask each of your golfing partners if they have a gambling problem. If you've already asked them once, and are thus again doing so on a subsequent hole, ask if they are sure they don't have a gambling problem.
- Stick a cap (as in cap gun cap) on your driver. Every drive will be accompanied by the sound of a gunshot. Tell your foursome partners you bought a Tiger Woods video.
- Have a friend secretly hiding in the woods near the green. On your approach shot, launch the ball into the woods whereupon your friend tosses a ball out of the woods onto the green. Do this on every green which is surrounded by woods. Tell your golfing partners it took you years to master this technique.
- If you happen to be golfing on an overcast day, carry a bag of ash in your golf bag. At one of those points when you're on your own, you know, when your drive puts you somewhere off the fairway, pour the bag of ash next to the ball, put your iron next to the ash, and secretly run off to the clubhouse for a well-deserved libation.
- Hook up your ITR to one of those hollow plastic golf balls. Tell your partners it's the new Titleist Floater (tm), a must-have groundbreaking breakthrough in golf ball technology. Demonstrate its built-in lift capabilities. Watch them run to the pro shop.
--
JD
John Kennedy's Mystery Card Box is considered one of the more popular recently released card revelation devices in magic. But the story does not end there. The effect is also an important touchstone on the path to one of magic's greatest and most sought-after objectives: the ultimate card revelation. What do scholars generally agree is the most promising card revelation routine from among the list of upcoming new releases?
(a) Card Smash: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician promptly lunges at spectator and pummels them into unconsciousness. When spectator comes to, the selection has been jammed up their nose. Yes, we recycled this one.
(b) Fender Bender Stupender: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician is apparently unable to reveal selection. On the drive home, spectator notices they are being tailgated. The other car eventually forces spectator' car off the road whereupon it rolls violently. Crawling out of the vehicle, and in obvious distress, spectator notices the signed selection is affixed to the underside of their vehicle.
(c) Midnight Impress: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Deck is put inside packet of high-grade heroin which is taped to spectator's body. Spectator is flown overseas to Turknestan whereupon they are arrested at airport customs and thrown into jail. During unspeakably savage "hazing" by violent inmates, spectator goes to their "happy place". A pixie fairy appears in spectator's increasingly deranged mind and reveals the selection.
(d) Carda Nostra: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician appears unable to reveal selection. Spectator snickers at magician's apparent ineptitude. Magician snaps fingers
whereupon several burly, albeit well-dressed individuals enter room. Spectator is roughed up and, in no uncertain terms, advised to let the matter drop.
(e) Pla-Card: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician is apparently unable to reveal selection. Spectator is parachuted in as interim dictator of small South American country, Bogalia. After several years of ruling with iron fist, spectator is subjected to growing dissent by left-wing protesters supported by a covert, CIA-funded militia. During violent coup attempt, crazed protester begins whacking spectator in the head with placard to which is stapled signed selection.
--
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOU CHOSE THE WRONG MAGIC E-RETAILER
5. The site's web address is www.bythetimewearedonewithyouyouwillwishyouweredead.com.
4. The site makes several references to "this crazy Internet thingamajigger".
3. One ad mentions things like "groundbreaking", "reputation-maker", "innovative breakthrough", "the hit of FISM 2000", and "a must-have". It's for magician's wax.
2. The small print politely asks you "allow 6-8 years for shipping" and you assume it's a typo.
...and the number one indication you chose the wrong magic e-retailer...
1. A free Dice Bomb with every purchase.
--
Last time 'round it was elevators, this time we provide suggestions on...
UNLEASHING THE MOMENT WHILE GOLFING
- Use a Sharpie to write "I'LL GET YOU! ! !" on several golf balls. On every second or third tee, when no one in your foursome is looking, toss the ball up in the air so it hits the ground in plain view. Let one of your foursome pick it up. Shade your eyes as you scan the course for the "culprit". Try to act as concerned as possible. Ask each of your golfing partners if they have a gambling problem. If you've already asked them once, and are thus again doing so on a subsequent hole, ask if they are sure they don't have a gambling problem.
- Stick a cap (as in cap gun cap) on your driver. Every drive will be accompanied by the sound of a gunshot. Tell your foursome partners you bought a Tiger Woods video.
- Have a friend secretly hiding in the woods near the green. On your approach shot, launch the ball into the woods whereupon your friend tosses a ball out of the woods onto the green. Do this on every green which is surrounded by woods. Tell your golfing partners it took you years to master this technique.
- If you happen to be golfing on an overcast day, carry a bag of ash in your golf bag. At one of those points when you're on your own, you know, when your drive puts you somewhere off the fairway, pour the bag of ash next to the ball, put your iron next to the ash, and secretly run off to the clubhouse for a well-deserved libation.
- Hook up your ITR to one of those hollow plastic golf balls. Tell your partners it's the new Titleist Floater (tm), a must-have groundbreaking breakthrough in golf ball technology. Demonstrate its built-in lift capabilities. Watch them run to the pro shop.
--
JD
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Godfather Magic, Fun With Elevators, & Other Ramblings
One of my crusades is, of course, the eradication of all things Dice Bomb. Having said that, there is clearly a relatively meaningful installed base of Dice Bombs currently in place globally and, as such, I cannot simply diss the Dice Bomb without really providing suggestions for an alternate, non-magic use. Otherwise, the world will never truly be rid of this marvel of modern technology. In that vein, I would like to present the following:
TOP FIVE ALTERNATE USES FOR THE DICE BOMB
(5) Heimlich Manoeuvre Seminars: The Dice Bomb is conveniently sized to lodge tightly in the average human oesophagus. One possibility would be to use the Dice Bomb as a means of inducing a choking fit in the volunteering victim, whereupon it could then be Heimliched out. With proper timing, this would reward the successful Heimlicher with a visual extravaganza. Unsuccessful Heimlichers would not have the benefit of seeing this marvel of modern science in action and would thus be compelled to improve their
Heimliching technique.
(4) Colourful Mini Step Ladders: How often have you found yourself reaching up for something in the workshop or kitchen, but are just not close enough to get it, a mere inch away? With the Dice Bomb handy, perhaps permanently affixed to the bottom of a pair of old slippers, you'd get that valuable extra reaching power.
(3) Rearview Mirror Trinketry: The fuzzy dice have become somewhat of an institution when it comes to the things people hang from their rearview mirrors. It is, however, obvious that these big bushy dice pose nothing less than a terrible hazard in the event of head-on collisions. What with these dice being big AND bushy, passengers in the front seat are apt to have these fuzzy threats knock them silly. I'd suggest substituting the fuzzy dice with Dice Bombs. This way, the Dice themselves are hermetically sealed with the confines of the Bomb and can't wreak any havoc during the post-crash melee.
(2) Facial Safety Guards: How often have you found yourself walking around the house at night, with no lights on and fearing your face is about to smash directly into a door or wall? Although turning on the lights is an option, it is not always available. Attach a small strap to your Dice Bomb, affix the resulting contraption to your head with the Dice Bomb protruding off the tip of your nose, and voila: fear no more. With this early-warning system, the user is given plenty of time to react to doors and walls, and
can position themselves to minimize the inherent danger. Chronic sleepwalkers can put them on before heading off to bed. Think Barry Manilow regrets not wearing his.
...and the number one alternate use for the Dice Bomb...
(1) Godfather Jowl Inflator: For those occasions like Halloween or just goofing around, when one wants to emulate Marlon Brando's masterful performance as Don Corleone in Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather, what better than to shove a couple of Dice Bombs into the oral cavity to create that droopy-jowled, mumbly face. Of course, this exciting application of the Dice Bomb would only be available to those who have the good fortune to own two, rather than simply one, Dice Bombs. Is anyone ever that lucky?
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXVII)
Prestidigitation and moviemaking have always shared a special relationship. Be it Harry Houdini performing in silent movies, or David Copperfield sharing the screen with Jaime Lee Curtis, magic and magicians are no
strangers to Hollywood. Sometimes, however, the magic never makes it past the editing stage. Which of the following do scholars consider was the greatest scene not to survive the editor's cut?
(a) The Godfather (1971): The scene where Sonny Corleone (James Caan) is viciously gunned down at the tollbooth by thugs from a rival family was originally shot with a bunch of circus clowns bludgeoning him to death with Dove Pans. The scene was removed after a mass demonstration by the International Association of Dove Pan Wielding Circus Clowns (IADPWCC). The demonstration itself was notable for its unprecedented level of clown violence. One journalist described the carnage as "...a horrendous and
unthinkable orgy of blood, white pancake, squeaky red noses, and curly orange hair..."
(b) The Ten Commandments (1956): The scene where Moses (Charlton Heston) attempts to impress the Pharaoh by transforming his walking staff into a snake was originally shot with him performing Hippity Hop Rabbits. The movie studio, concerned that Hippity Hop Rabbits would not be invented for another 4000 years, snuffed the shot. Some rumours have Heston initially substituting in a full-length dove act but, again, the top hat and cape were considered apt to attract criticism from history scholars.
(c) Star Wars (1977): The light sabre was the eventual improvement on George Lucas' original idea to have Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Darth Vader (Whoopi Goldberg), etc...fighting among themselves with Fantasio Appearing Canes. The failing of the original idea was the inability of the scriptwriters to justify having the main characters whip out silks every time a fight was about to break out, although careful observers will note the basic mechanics of the Fantasio cane were used in the light sabre animation. As a side note, "May the Riffle Force be with you" was also modified for general audiences.
(d) The French Connection (1971): Although the 1971 Best Picture Oscar went to this classic, the outcome may have been very different. A significant brouhaha erupted at 20th Century Fox when it emerged director William Friedkin was planning to base the crime plot not on the illegal importation
of heroin from France but, rather, Dice Bombs from Fiji. Gene Hackman, who played Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle, threatened to walk if Dice Bombs were used, in part due to his own outrage over what he described as "that festering, dice-soaked menace".
(e) The Birds (1963): The working title for Alfred Hitchcock's classic thriller was originally titled "The Doves". Initial production shots centred around the idea of a psychotic stage magician who would use
crystal-meth-charged killer-doves to progressively slaughter his audience during the course of a full evening show. The project was eventually discontinued in favour of the version with which we're all familiar as the only doves willing to ingest the necessary quantities of meth were all in rehab at the time.
--
Building on our suggestions a few weeks ago for "unleashing the moment" whilst travelling by airplane, we now offer:
UNLEASHING THE MOMENT ON ELEVATORS
* When you get on the elevator, have an empty, covered styrofoam coffee cup in hand hooked up to your ITR. Act as if it's full. An ill-mannered slurp through the little hole in the cover should draw enough attention. Have it float up during the elevator's descent. Giggle like a little girl.
* Hang around the elevator banks. When someone approaches the button, preferably a group of people, get to it first and trigger your Funken ring. Make it look as painful as possible. Watch as the group seeks to prevent others from hurting themselves. Quietly slip away during the ensuing congestion.
* Get an Otis Elevator badge. Put it on your jacket. Get on the elevator with someone else making sure they notice the badge. Once in the elevator and before the door closes, look up quickly, breathe in sharply while giving the elevator a little shake as if you're testing something, look as worried as you possibly can, use your arm to temporarily block the door from closing muttering "I don't believe this...", and quickly get off.
* Have a piece of broken cable hidden in your jacket. As you get on the elevator, feign noticing something in the door jamb and "yank" on it while secretly introducing the broken cable. Say something along the lines of "I wonder what this is for..." as the door closes.
* If you're on the elevator with just one person, quickly grab the little phone as soon as the elevator gets underway and quietly say "He's (She's) on the elevator. It's a go." Hang up and make it obvious you're trying to avoid eye contact.
* Hit the buttons for three consecutive floors when you get on. As soon as you get to the first, dash out and run up the stairs to the next floor. If the timing is right, you should be able to get back on the same elevator on this floor. Get off at the next floor.
The list goes on. Elevator travel need never again be boring.
--
JD
TOP FIVE ALTERNATE USES FOR THE DICE BOMB
(5) Heimlich Manoeuvre Seminars: The Dice Bomb is conveniently sized to lodge tightly in the average human oesophagus. One possibility would be to use the Dice Bomb as a means of inducing a choking fit in the volunteering victim, whereupon it could then be Heimliched out. With proper timing, this would reward the successful Heimlicher with a visual extravaganza. Unsuccessful Heimlichers would not have the benefit of seeing this marvel of modern science in action and would thus be compelled to improve their
Heimliching technique.
(4) Colourful Mini Step Ladders: How often have you found yourself reaching up for something in the workshop or kitchen, but are just not close enough to get it, a mere inch away? With the Dice Bomb handy, perhaps permanently affixed to the bottom of a pair of old slippers, you'd get that valuable extra reaching power.
(3) Rearview Mirror Trinketry: The fuzzy dice have become somewhat of an institution when it comes to the things people hang from their rearview mirrors. It is, however, obvious that these big bushy dice pose nothing less than a terrible hazard in the event of head-on collisions. What with these dice being big AND bushy, passengers in the front seat are apt to have these fuzzy threats knock them silly. I'd suggest substituting the fuzzy dice with Dice Bombs. This way, the Dice themselves are hermetically sealed with the confines of the Bomb and can't wreak any havoc during the post-crash melee.
(2) Facial Safety Guards: How often have you found yourself walking around the house at night, with no lights on and fearing your face is about to smash directly into a door or wall? Although turning on the lights is an option, it is not always available. Attach a small strap to your Dice Bomb, affix the resulting contraption to your head with the Dice Bomb protruding off the tip of your nose, and voila: fear no more. With this early-warning system, the user is given plenty of time to react to doors and walls, and
can position themselves to minimize the inherent danger. Chronic sleepwalkers can put them on before heading off to bed. Think Barry Manilow regrets not wearing his.
...and the number one alternate use for the Dice Bomb...
(1) Godfather Jowl Inflator: For those occasions like Halloween or just goofing around, when one wants to emulate Marlon Brando's masterful performance as Don Corleone in Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather, what better than to shove a couple of Dice Bombs into the oral cavity to create that droopy-jowled, mumbly face. Of course, this exciting application of the Dice Bomb would only be available to those who have the good fortune to own two, rather than simply one, Dice Bombs. Is anyone ever that lucky?
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXVII)
Prestidigitation and moviemaking have always shared a special relationship. Be it Harry Houdini performing in silent movies, or David Copperfield sharing the screen with Jaime Lee Curtis, magic and magicians are no
strangers to Hollywood. Sometimes, however, the magic never makes it past the editing stage. Which of the following do scholars consider was the greatest scene not to survive the editor's cut?
(a) The Godfather (1971): The scene where Sonny Corleone (James Caan) is viciously gunned down at the tollbooth by thugs from a rival family was originally shot with a bunch of circus clowns bludgeoning him to death with Dove Pans. The scene was removed after a mass demonstration by the International Association of Dove Pan Wielding Circus Clowns (IADPWCC). The demonstration itself was notable for its unprecedented level of clown violence. One journalist described the carnage as "...a horrendous and
unthinkable orgy of blood, white pancake, squeaky red noses, and curly orange hair..."
(b) The Ten Commandments (1956): The scene where Moses (Charlton Heston) attempts to impress the Pharaoh by transforming his walking staff into a snake was originally shot with him performing Hippity Hop Rabbits. The movie studio, concerned that Hippity Hop Rabbits would not be invented for another 4000 years, snuffed the shot. Some rumours have Heston initially substituting in a full-length dove act but, again, the top hat and cape were considered apt to attract criticism from history scholars.
(c) Star Wars (1977): The light sabre was the eventual improvement on George Lucas' original idea to have Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Darth Vader (Whoopi Goldberg), etc...fighting among themselves with Fantasio Appearing Canes. The failing of the original idea was the inability of the scriptwriters to justify having the main characters whip out silks every time a fight was about to break out, although careful observers will note the basic mechanics of the Fantasio cane were used in the light sabre animation. As a side note, "May the Riffle Force be with you" was also modified for general audiences.
(d) The French Connection (1971): Although the 1971 Best Picture Oscar went to this classic, the outcome may have been very different. A significant brouhaha erupted at 20th Century Fox when it emerged director William Friedkin was planning to base the crime plot not on the illegal importation
of heroin from France but, rather, Dice Bombs from Fiji. Gene Hackman, who played Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle, threatened to walk if Dice Bombs were used, in part due to his own outrage over what he described as "that festering, dice-soaked menace".
(e) The Birds (1963): The working title for Alfred Hitchcock's classic thriller was originally titled "The Doves". Initial production shots centred around the idea of a psychotic stage magician who would use
crystal-meth-charged killer-doves to progressively slaughter his audience during the course of a full evening show. The project was eventually discontinued in favour of the version with which we're all familiar as the only doves willing to ingest the necessary quantities of meth were all in rehab at the time.
--
Building on our suggestions a few weeks ago for "unleashing the moment" whilst travelling by airplane, we now offer:
UNLEASHING THE MOMENT ON ELEVATORS
* When you get on the elevator, have an empty, covered styrofoam coffee cup in hand hooked up to your ITR. Act as if it's full. An ill-mannered slurp through the little hole in the cover should draw enough attention. Have it float up during the elevator's descent. Giggle like a little girl.
* Hang around the elevator banks. When someone approaches the button, preferably a group of people, get to it first and trigger your Funken ring. Make it look as painful as possible. Watch as the group seeks to prevent others from hurting themselves. Quietly slip away during the ensuing congestion.
* Get an Otis Elevator badge. Put it on your jacket. Get on the elevator with someone else making sure they notice the badge. Once in the elevator and before the door closes, look up quickly, breathe in sharply while giving the elevator a little shake as if you're testing something, look as worried as you possibly can, use your arm to temporarily block the door from closing muttering "I don't believe this...", and quickly get off.
* Have a piece of broken cable hidden in your jacket. As you get on the elevator, feign noticing something in the door jamb and "yank" on it while secretly introducing the broken cable. Say something along the lines of "I wonder what this is for..." as the door closes.
* If you're on the elevator with just one person, quickly grab the little phone as soon as the elevator gets underway and quietly say "He's (She's) on the elevator. It's a go." Hang up and make it obvious you're trying to avoid eye contact.
* Hit the buttons for three consecutive floors when you get on. As soon as you get to the first, dash out and run up the stairs to the next floor. If the timing is right, you should be able to get back on the same elevator on this floor. Get off at the next floor.
The list goes on. Elevator travel need never again be boring.
--
JD
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Magic For The Sun, Magic For The Sky, & Other Ramblings
TOP FIVE SUNNY DESTINATION MAGIC TRICKS
5. Tower O' Deck Chairs: Spectator heads to breakfast at 6am with family in hopes of getting a really great spot next to the pool or on the beach. Spectator drops off family at restaurant and heads over to 'reserve' deck chairs by putting towels, magazines, etc. on them. Upon arriving at optimal spot, spectator notices performer has hoarded over 300 deck chairs in an attempt to break David Blaine's deck chair stacking record. Performer tells irate spectator to get out of his face because he's busy 'making history'.
4. Card Fiesta: Spectator selects card (no force), returns it to deck, and shuffles thoroughly. Magician is apparently unable to find selection. After five days of suffering through the all-inclusive breakfast buffet,
including those "scrambled eggs", spectator is compelled to undertake a dual-orifice gastrointestinal reversal. A card is found within the resulting melange. It is the selection.
3. Undertow Transposition: Spectator enters water at designated spot. Five minutes later, spectator finds they have been transported two miles without any apparent movement. Spectator drowns.
2. Sands All The Time: Spectator spends day at beach. Spectator and their beach articles are thoroughly deloused by team of trained professionals at local biological research lab. Five years later, spectator still gets gritty sensation when eating.
...and the number one sunny destination magic trick...
1. Psi!: Spectator negotiates price of item for hours with wholesaler at out of way, "underground" flea market before buying. Spectator finds same item, fully priced at their hotel's upscale tourist shop. Spectator compares prices. They match.
--
The charter planes like to jam you in real good on the way to those sunny destinations. Of course, this would be comparable to flying domestic coach in the U.S.
Squeezed into the seat, the blood is forced into the skull and one's imagination can begin to run wild. In my case, it led to a series of ideas one could undertake in order to, as one great put it, "unleash a moment of astonishment" for your in-flight seat mate, although not necessarily always in the traditional sense.
* Get a hold of one of those oxygen masks the flight attendants use during their safety demonstration. When the person next to you is not paying attention, quietly tape the air tube to the area over your seat, then nudge them gently as you let the thing come down in front of you. Grab it in a panicky manner and begin breathing in exaggerated, wide-eyed gasps. Savour their reaction as they realize their life-saving oxygen mask has not dropped.
* Before the flight begins, collect as many barf bags as you conceivably can. Once you've got at least 20-30, sit down next to your seatmate and put the stack somewhere very noticeable. Open one and hold your face close to it as if you are preparing for the worst, with your free hand on the pile readying the next bag. Look extremely nauseated.
* Get a set of headphones. Plug them in anywhere but where they should be plugged, like some crack in the seat in front of you. Feign nodding to the beat. Change the channels (be sure to alter your head's tempo). Watch your seatmate look for that same plug.
* Have a bunched up napkin sitting on your tray or the armrest. Hook it up to an ITR. When the captain announces the plane has begun its descent, cause it to begin floating. Mention to your seat mate this must be the same principle as in NASA's KC-135 Ron Howard used to film the weightlessness scenes in Apollo 13.
* If you're sitting close to the first/business/J-class curtain (you know, the one the flight attendants close after takeoff to make sure the coach folk know their place) hook up some black thread to the curtain and work the thread to your seat. As soon as the flight attendant closes the curtain, quickly and secretly yank it back open. Do this repeatedly. At some point, scream "JUSTICE" like Mel Gibson did in Braveheart.
* Bring a huge, mouthwatering deli sandwich on board in your carry-on. When the "meal" tray is served, quickly get whatever "sandwich" they serve you off and get your deli delight on. Make sure your seatmate notices only the new sandwich. Look at their sandwich and snicker.
* Make a few comments about being hot. Your experienced seat mate will inevitably point to the overhead fan thingamajigger. As you grab it to twist it on, trigger the ol' Funken Ring. React accordingly. Reach back, glare at your seat mate and say "Very funny, pal."
The list goes on. Travel by air need no longer be boring.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part LXXI)
You are performing one of your nightly magic revues aboard a cruise ship. Word comes that the ship has hit an iceberg and is fast sinking. What is your best course of action ?
(a) Continue performing. You are a professional and need not be distracted by these nuisances. Inform whoever it is who passed on the news that next time they should think twice about interrupting an artist in mid-performance. Be as condescending as humanly possible.
(b) Get out your Lota Bowl and go into some sort of routine. If you time it just right, and with Mother Nature's serendipitous participation, you will have one heck of a climax. This is once in a lifetime...so go for it!
(c) The pants thing.
(d) Go immediately into your Audience Rope Escape routine. Tie up as many women and children as you can. Use some of your silks if you must. This will ensure there is more room for you and the rest of your expensive magic equipment on the emergency boats.
(e) Head immediately to the bridge. As there is likely to be a lot of noise and activity on the bridge, you will need to use a firm tone when you tell everyone to shut the hell up. Corner the captain and inform him/her you expect to be paid for the entire two weeks, in particular as it was his/her incompetence that got you into this mess in the first place. Don't take anything other than "yes" for an answer.
--
JD
5. Tower O' Deck Chairs: Spectator heads to breakfast at 6am with family in hopes of getting a really great spot next to the pool or on the beach. Spectator drops off family at restaurant and heads over to 'reserve' deck chairs by putting towels, magazines, etc. on them. Upon arriving at optimal spot, spectator notices performer has hoarded over 300 deck chairs in an attempt to break David Blaine's deck chair stacking record. Performer tells irate spectator to get out of his face because he's busy 'making history'.
4. Card Fiesta: Spectator selects card (no force), returns it to deck, and shuffles thoroughly. Magician is apparently unable to find selection. After five days of suffering through the all-inclusive breakfast buffet,
including those "scrambled eggs", spectator is compelled to undertake a dual-orifice gastrointestinal reversal. A card is found within the resulting melange. It is the selection.
3. Undertow Transposition: Spectator enters water at designated spot. Five minutes later, spectator finds they have been transported two miles without any apparent movement. Spectator drowns.
2. Sands All The Time: Spectator spends day at beach. Spectator and their beach articles are thoroughly deloused by team of trained professionals at local biological research lab. Five years later, spectator still gets gritty sensation when eating.
...and the number one sunny destination magic trick...
1. Psi!: Spectator negotiates price of item for hours with wholesaler at out of way, "underground" flea market before buying. Spectator finds same item, fully priced at their hotel's upscale tourist shop. Spectator compares prices. They match.
--
The charter planes like to jam you in real good on the way to those sunny destinations. Of course, this would be comparable to flying domestic coach in the U.S.
Squeezed into the seat, the blood is forced into the skull and one's imagination can begin to run wild. In my case, it led to a series of ideas one could undertake in order to, as one great put it, "unleash a moment of astonishment" for your in-flight seat mate, although not necessarily always in the traditional sense.
* Get a hold of one of those oxygen masks the flight attendants use during their safety demonstration. When the person next to you is not paying attention, quietly tape the air tube to the area over your seat, then nudge them gently as you let the thing come down in front of you. Grab it in a panicky manner and begin breathing in exaggerated, wide-eyed gasps. Savour their reaction as they realize their life-saving oxygen mask has not dropped.
* Before the flight begins, collect as many barf bags as you conceivably can. Once you've got at least 20-30, sit down next to your seatmate and put the stack somewhere very noticeable. Open one and hold your face close to it as if you are preparing for the worst, with your free hand on the pile readying the next bag. Look extremely nauseated.
* Get a set of headphones. Plug them in anywhere but where they should be plugged, like some crack in the seat in front of you. Feign nodding to the beat. Change the channels (be sure to alter your head's tempo). Watch your seatmate look for that same plug.
* Have a bunched up napkin sitting on your tray or the armrest. Hook it up to an ITR. When the captain announces the plane has begun its descent, cause it to begin floating. Mention to your seat mate this must be the same principle as in NASA's KC-135 Ron Howard used to film the weightlessness scenes in Apollo 13.
* If you're sitting close to the first/business/J-class curtain (you know, the one the flight attendants close after takeoff to make sure the coach folk know their place) hook up some black thread to the curtain and work the thread to your seat. As soon as the flight attendant closes the curtain, quickly and secretly yank it back open. Do this repeatedly. At some point, scream "JUSTICE" like Mel Gibson did in Braveheart.
* Bring a huge, mouthwatering deli sandwich on board in your carry-on. When the "meal" tray is served, quickly get whatever "sandwich" they serve you off and get your deli delight on. Make sure your seatmate notices only the new sandwich. Look at their sandwich and snicker.
* Make a few comments about being hot. Your experienced seat mate will inevitably point to the overhead fan thingamajigger. As you grab it to twist it on, trigger the ol' Funken Ring. React accordingly. Reach back, glare at your seat mate and say "Very funny, pal."
The list goes on. Travel by air need no longer be boring.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part LXXI)
You are performing one of your nightly magic revues aboard a cruise ship. Word comes that the ship has hit an iceberg and is fast sinking. What is your best course of action ?
(a) Continue performing. You are a professional and need not be distracted by these nuisances. Inform whoever it is who passed on the news that next time they should think twice about interrupting an artist in mid-performance. Be as condescending as humanly possible.
(b) Get out your Lota Bowl and go into some sort of routine. If you time it just right, and with Mother Nature's serendipitous participation, you will have one heck of a climax. This is once in a lifetime...so go for it!
(c) The pants thing.
(d) Go immediately into your Audience Rope Escape routine. Tie up as many women and children as you can. Use some of your silks if you must. This will ensure there is more room for you and the rest of your expensive magic equipment on the emergency boats.
(e) Head immediately to the bridge. As there is likely to be a lot of noise and activity on the bridge, you will need to use a firm tone when you tell everyone to shut the hell up. Corner the captain and inform him/her you expect to be paid for the entire two weeks, in particular as it was his/her incompetence that got you into this mess in the first place. Don't take anything other than "yes" for an answer.
--
JD
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Table-Hopping Magic, David Copperfield, & Other Ramblings
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CCXVIII)
You are table-hopping at a local restaurant. Halfway through your performance of Needle Thru Arm for a family of four, the waiter comes by and sets a large pepperoni pizza on the table. The family appears anxious to dig in. What is your best course of action?
(a) Upend the table. Don't worry about getting pizza over everyone, they'll understand; you're an artist for god's sake. While upending the table, state in a relatively loud voice, "FOOD IS FOR MERE MORTALS...MAGIC IS FOR ETERNITY!"
(b) Continue performing. Should anyone reach for a slice, state, in no uncertain terms, "If you touch that pizza before I'm finished performing, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENSUING CARNAGE!"
(c) Take advantage of the situation to demonstrate your strong improvisatory skills. Pick off four pieces of pepperoni and go directly into your favourite coins across routine. When done, eat the pieces of pepperoni. Grab four more pieces of pepperoni and two slices of the pizza and perform your favourite coin assembly. When done, eat both the pepperoni and the two slices. Finally, grab the remaining pizza, form it into a cone, and go into your favourite milk pitcher routine. When done, eat the balance of the pizza. Move on to your next audience. The table will be completely enamoured with not only your strong improvisatory skills, but also your deft efficiency.
(d) Drop your pants. Isn't it amazing how useful this technique can be?
(e) Clear one of your nasal passages in the general direction of the pizza. In most cases, this will be enough to ensure you have the rapt, undivided attention of your audience. Once your performance is over and you're ready to move on to the next table, it is considered a common courtesy to wipe off the offending substance. Always carry a few napkins for this purpose.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU HAVE PUT OFF LEARNING THAT DEADLY NEW SLEIGHT
5. You dislocated three fingers learning that new Ortiz routine.
4. The expert team of trained hieroglyphic interpreters hired to decipher the lecture notes is behind schedule.
3. You haven't decided whether you should go the book or the video route. It is such a perplexing issue. Book? Video? Video? Book? God, someone help me!!!
2. You are a talentless fuck.
...and the number one reason you have put off learning that deadly new sleight...
1. Your whole weekend was eaten up by the "Who's The Boss" marathon.
--
So I get home late the other night and, as we are all apt to do at that point, I flip on the tube. Looking through the TV Times, I notice David Copperfield is on one of the French channels (they dub his TV specials for the benefit of my francophone brethren) and so I flip over to it.
Now, what gets me going is not only does the TV Times neglect to tell you which special you might be tuning into, the listing just says "David Copperfield" -- I mean really, imagine I inadvertently catch a glimpse of that Bermuda Triangle fiasco -- but when you get to the station, there's no David Copperfield special on. Instead, the station's showing a godawful movie about this pathetic orphan and some whoop-tee-do coming-of-age crap in 19th century London. Where the hell is David Copper...
Oooooooohhhhh...ooooookaaaaaayyyyyyyyy...
Never mind.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part MCXXIV)
Utility devices are the hard-working, loyal, behind-the-scenes pieces of equipment that allow magicians to perform virtual miracles. Although forming an integral part of any magician's repertoire, utilities do not
enjoy the same glamourous exposure as do the gadgets that share the stage with the performer. What do scholars agree was perhaps the most promising, yet unfortunately least successful utility device ever invented?
(a) VTR: Developed by engineers at the Dupont laboratories, the VTR was designed for those magicians who found working with the ITR awkward, given the invisibility. Quickly lost popularity when it was discovered that misdirection has its limits.
(b) The Dice Bomb Holster: Released in conjunction with the original Dice Bomb, the Dice Bomb Holster became an immediate hot-seller, with many dealers complaining they just couldn't keep up with demand. Unfortunately, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (FDA), in conjunction with a working group comprising agents from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Donny & Marie Fan Club quickly intervened in the marketplace after determining that "...a prolonged wearing of the Dice Bomb in the close vicinity of one's genitalia could contribute to conditions ranging from simple dysfunction to outright mutation..." In a recent interview, Dr. Hugh Jommlett, author of "Dice Bomb Dementia: Magic, Magicians, and World Domination", stated, "...you may as well snack on 10 lbs. of high-grade uranium if you're going to stick that marvel of modern engineering in a holster...".
(c) IT Shears: Developed by Boeing, these diamond-tipped, titanium shears were designed to allow magicians to quickly disengage from any IT hookups. Rendered obsolete by the IT Blowtorch.
(d) Airplane Pull: Enjoyed unprecedented popularity following the David Copperfield vanishing jet special. Eventually dismissed by scholars as an inferior method for vanishing aircraft, in particular given the need for 250-foot diameter jacket sleeves.
(e) SCHISM Flash: A significant enhancement to the original FISM Flash, the SCHISM Flash incorporated elements of the U.S. Department of Defence's research on tactical blinding laser weapon technology. Many professional performers noted the ability to "get away with just about anything" following just one application of the SCHISM Flash in their performance. Quickly lost popularity when it was determined the need for individually escorting theatre patrons back home after the show was contributing to prohibitive overtime.
You are hired to perform walkaround at a corporate function. Ten minutes prior to going on, you find out the evening is double-booked as the organizers have inadvertently hired another magician to perform. What is your best course of action?
(a) When the function gets underway, try to get to every group before the other magician does. During your performance, note the presence of the other magician and comment on how it's great that the local penitentiary's "Outreach Program" has yielded some positive dividends. Mention you had no idea that someone who not too long ago was a crazed, axe-wielding psychotic could come so far in such a short time, in particular given the horrendously gruesome nature of their crimes. Don't worry about being
viewed as unprofessional; the key is to appear very positive about your competitor's "progress".
(b) Prior to going on, quietly mention to your competitor that you were told the only thing this crowd wants to see is the Dice Bomb, and nothing but the Dice Bomb.
(c) There's no point in competing head on so you'll need to take the low road. When you notice your competitor is distracted, run outside and vandalize their car...and I mean vandalize. None of this half-measure stuff with toilet paper and whatnot. No. You want the kind of vandalism that requires big nasty tools and acetylene torches. You want the kind of vandalism where halfway through the vandalizing, you sort of stop, take measure of your life, and realize that maybe, just maybe, you need help...but then you
just as quickly slip back into denial. You want the kind of vandalism that would make your mother weep were she to see your mugshot in the newspaper. You want the kind of vandalism...you get the picture.
(d) Take off your pants. Although, to some of you, the objective of this strategy may not be fully obvious, it will become clear in time...you just need to let go.
(e) Go up to your competitor just before the show and mention what a huge fan you are. Ask for a big stack of business cards cause you want to "paste them all over your bedroom". During your performance, make a lot of crude and totally inappropriate innuendo, fondle the guests both male and female, and make boorish and unflattering comments about everything from your corporate host to the Vatican. Hand out "your card" at the end of each performance.
--
JD
You are table-hopping at a local restaurant. Halfway through your performance of Needle Thru Arm for a family of four, the waiter comes by and sets a large pepperoni pizza on the table. The family appears anxious to dig in. What is your best course of action?
(a) Upend the table. Don't worry about getting pizza over everyone, they'll understand; you're an artist for god's sake. While upending the table, state in a relatively loud voice, "FOOD IS FOR MERE MORTALS...MAGIC IS FOR ETERNITY!"
(b) Continue performing. Should anyone reach for a slice, state, in no uncertain terms, "If you touch that pizza before I'm finished performing, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENSUING CARNAGE!"
(c) Take advantage of the situation to demonstrate your strong improvisatory skills. Pick off four pieces of pepperoni and go directly into your favourite coins across routine. When done, eat the pieces of pepperoni. Grab four more pieces of pepperoni and two slices of the pizza and perform your favourite coin assembly. When done, eat both the pepperoni and the two slices. Finally, grab the remaining pizza, form it into a cone, and go into your favourite milk pitcher routine. When done, eat the balance of the pizza. Move on to your next audience. The table will be completely enamoured with not only your strong improvisatory skills, but also your deft efficiency.
(d) Drop your pants. Isn't it amazing how useful this technique can be?
(e) Clear one of your nasal passages in the general direction of the pizza. In most cases, this will be enough to ensure you have the rapt, undivided attention of your audience. Once your performance is over and you're ready to move on to the next table, it is considered a common courtesy to wipe off the offending substance. Always carry a few napkins for this purpose.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU HAVE PUT OFF LEARNING THAT DEADLY NEW SLEIGHT
5. You dislocated three fingers learning that new Ortiz routine.
4. The expert team of trained hieroglyphic interpreters hired to decipher the lecture notes is behind schedule.
3. You haven't decided whether you should go the book or the video route. It is such a perplexing issue. Book? Video? Video? Book? God, someone help me!!!
2. You are a talentless fuck.
...and the number one reason you have put off learning that deadly new sleight...
1. Your whole weekend was eaten up by the "Who's The Boss" marathon.
--
So I get home late the other night and, as we are all apt to do at that point, I flip on the tube. Looking through the TV Times, I notice David Copperfield is on one of the French channels (they dub his TV specials for the benefit of my francophone brethren) and so I flip over to it.
Now, what gets me going is not only does the TV Times neglect to tell you which special you might be tuning into, the listing just says "David Copperfield" -- I mean really, imagine I inadvertently catch a glimpse of that Bermuda Triangle fiasco -- but when you get to the station, there's no David Copperfield special on. Instead, the station's showing a godawful movie about this pathetic orphan and some whoop-tee-do coming-of-age crap in 19th century London. Where the hell is David Copper...
Oooooooohhhhh...ooooookaaaaaayyyyyyyyy...
Never mind.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part MCXXIV)
Utility devices are the hard-working, loyal, behind-the-scenes pieces of equipment that allow magicians to perform virtual miracles. Although forming an integral part of any magician's repertoire, utilities do not
enjoy the same glamourous exposure as do the gadgets that share the stage with the performer. What do scholars agree was perhaps the most promising, yet unfortunately least successful utility device ever invented?
(a) VTR: Developed by engineers at the Dupont laboratories, the VTR was designed for those magicians who found working with the ITR awkward, given the invisibility. Quickly lost popularity when it was discovered that misdirection has its limits.
(b) The Dice Bomb Holster: Released in conjunction with the original Dice Bomb, the Dice Bomb Holster became an immediate hot-seller, with many dealers complaining they just couldn't keep up with demand. Unfortunately, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (FDA), in conjunction with a working group comprising agents from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Donny & Marie Fan Club quickly intervened in the marketplace after determining that "...a prolonged wearing of the Dice Bomb in the close vicinity of one's genitalia could contribute to conditions ranging from simple dysfunction to outright mutation..." In a recent interview, Dr. Hugh Jommlett, author of "Dice Bomb Dementia: Magic, Magicians, and World Domination", stated, "...you may as well snack on 10 lbs. of high-grade uranium if you're going to stick that marvel of modern engineering in a holster...".
(c) IT Shears: Developed by Boeing, these diamond-tipped, titanium shears were designed to allow magicians to quickly disengage from any IT hookups. Rendered obsolete by the IT Blowtorch.
(d) Airplane Pull: Enjoyed unprecedented popularity following the David Copperfield vanishing jet special. Eventually dismissed by scholars as an inferior method for vanishing aircraft, in particular given the need for 250-foot diameter jacket sleeves.
(e) SCHISM Flash: A significant enhancement to the original FISM Flash, the SCHISM Flash incorporated elements of the U.S. Department of Defence's research on tactical blinding laser weapon technology. Many professional performers noted the ability to "get away with just about anything" following just one application of the SCHISM Flash in their performance. Quickly lost popularity when it was determined the need for individually escorting theatre patrons back home after the show was contributing to prohibitive overtime.
You are hired to perform walkaround at a corporate function. Ten minutes prior to going on, you find out the evening is double-booked as the organizers have inadvertently hired another magician to perform. What is your best course of action?
(a) When the function gets underway, try to get to every group before the other magician does. During your performance, note the presence of the other magician and comment on how it's great that the local penitentiary's "Outreach Program" has yielded some positive dividends. Mention you had no idea that someone who not too long ago was a crazed, axe-wielding psychotic could come so far in such a short time, in particular given the horrendously gruesome nature of their crimes. Don't worry about being
viewed as unprofessional; the key is to appear very positive about your competitor's "progress".
(b) Prior to going on, quietly mention to your competitor that you were told the only thing this crowd wants to see is the Dice Bomb, and nothing but the Dice Bomb.
(c) There's no point in competing head on so you'll need to take the low road. When you notice your competitor is distracted, run outside and vandalize their car...and I mean vandalize. None of this half-measure stuff with toilet paper and whatnot. No. You want the kind of vandalism that requires big nasty tools and acetylene torches. You want the kind of vandalism where halfway through the vandalizing, you sort of stop, take measure of your life, and realize that maybe, just maybe, you need help...but then you
just as quickly slip back into denial. You want the kind of vandalism that would make your mother weep were she to see your mugshot in the newspaper. You want the kind of vandalism...you get the picture.
(d) Take off your pants. Although, to some of you, the objective of this strategy may not be fully obvious, it will become clear in time...you just need to let go.
(e) Go up to your competitor just before the show and mention what a huge fan you are. Ask for a big stack of business cards cause you want to "paste them all over your bedroom". During your performance, make a lot of crude and totally inappropriate innuendo, fondle the guests both male and female, and make boorish and unflattering comments about everything from your corporate host to the Vatican. Hand out "your card" at the end of each performance.
--
JD
Monday, February 09, 2004
Movie Magic, Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown, & Other Ramblings
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXXIII)
In 1993, the Brotherhood of International Guides on Magical Act Censorship (B.I.G.M.A.C.) convened in Geneva to establish rules regarding the performance of magic. Part of the agenda was dedicated to compiling a list of "banned" tricks, those that the governing committee felt were "...outside the realm of professionalism in the context of magic performance and likely to put out an eye..." Which of the following popular tricks was NOT on that list?
(a) Psi-Anide: A compelling routine wherein the mentalist attempts to determine who, from among a group of volunteering spectators who are poised to ingest ludicrous quantities of cyanide, will die first.
(b) Oops French Arm Chopper: Based on the original French Arm Chopper. In the Oops version, the trick "backfires" as the carrot remains intact and the spectator's arm is actually severed. The Lacerating 'Lusionist, manufacturer of this effect as well as Oops Sword Thru Neck and Oops Bullet
Catch, quickly fell into receivership on the ban.
(c) Butt Coils: Similar to mouth coils but less socially acceptable. Popularized in the late 1970s by Sphincter The Magnificent.
(d) Hippity Hop Dildoes: Based on the original Hippity Hop Rabbits, the Dildoes version tells a much more disturbing story of some mean-spirited dildoes. Scholars believe the performance of this effect may have played a meaningful role in inciting the infamous Detroit Dildo Riots of the early 1940s.
(e) Smack The Pack: A stunning visual effect where a deck of cards is magically transformed into an ounce of high-grade Peruvian heroin. The magician's patter is built around the idea that it's easier to "cut" a pack
of cards than an ounce of heroin. Odie The Omnipotent, the ill-fated magician who was tragically killed in 1988 while performing with a defective Dice Bomb, often used Smack The Pack in conjunction with Oops
Needle Thru Arm, now also banned.
Hollywood and conjuring have a special relationship going back decades. Although many great magic-based movies have arisen from this unique partnership, what do scholars generally agree was perhaps the most masterful production to ever hit the screen ?
(a) Body Double Lift (1984): A dark, voyeuristic, and occasionally self-indulgent work revolving around a man's growing obsession with a woman and her flawless double lift technique. Moviegoers will remember that timeless line: "I swear that is only one card, sister, only one card..."
(b) African Queen Of Clubs (1951): Set in Africa during WWI, this film tells the tale of a hard-drinking riverboat captain and a relatively straight-shooting missionary and their attempt to navigate a route to L.A. to catch the Siegfried and Roy matinee.
(c) A Bill In Clockwork Orange (1971): A disturbing, albeit engrossing work which examines the role of good and evil as it pertains to finding vanished currency imbedded inside fresh fruit.
(d) Citizen Dancing Kane (1941): A story of wealth, power, and excess in the cutthroat world of magic book publishing. Famed for the enigmatic last words of its protagonist, "Roughing spray".
(e) When Harry Met That Guy From McGill (1989): The fateful story of an escape artist looking for love, only to have his appendicitis worsened by some bozo at McGill University.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU WERE NOT INVITED TO PERFORM AT THIS YEAR'S SHOW
5. Your opening line from last year's show, "Listen up you bloody ignorant and generally unwashed fools cause I'm only going to do this once, and only for the money at that!" may not have gone over well.
4. Your insistence on performing without the benefit of pants was disturbing, notwithstanding your assertions regarding the good advice from the Unofficial Master Magicians' Institute (UMMI).
3. Your closing effect was Multiplying Scrotums.
2. Your insistence on having your dressing room stocked with an endless supply of imported bottled water, red jelly beans, trays of fresh crudites and imported cheeses, a fully equipped gym, and backstage passes for some of your "friends" was considered unseemly seeing as you were only doing a
10-minute act in a high school cafeteria.
...and the number one reason you were not invited to perform at this year's show...
1. Coming to the show after a full-out, drop-dead, 48-hour kegger at the local crack den may (I said may) have affected your overall demeanour.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CCXIII)
Lecture notes are a rare treasure in the world of magic. Very often, they contain groundbreaking new material, or effects and routines that have not yet become widely available. At the same time, lecture notes can occasionally be less-than-spectacular. What do scholars agree is the most useless set of lecture notes ever produced?
(a) Why I Hate All Of You (1992; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): A drunken diatribe by one of magic's most bitter and pathetic individuals. A compendium of lost hopes, dashed dreams, and advanced sponge ball technique.
(b) Card Care (1980; Sven Svensersenvensen...sen...ven): Devoid of any magical ability at all, yet desperate to make his mark, Svensersenvensen...sen...ven produced this booklet describing his technique
for rejuvenating used playing cards in the dishwasher. As dishwashing the cards did, in fact, ruin them, Svensersenvensen...sen...ven was eventually ostracized by the magic community at large.
(c) Fuck You (1994; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): The much ballyhooed follow-up to Boozo's 1992 work, "Why I Hate All Of You", these lecture notes include page after page of rhetoric, accusations, and jealous outbursts all apparently written in a drunken haze. There is also a helpful section on the care and maintenance of seltzer bottles.
(d) Magic Without Pants (1983; Moe Ronn): A controversial set of notes describing Ronn's innovative ideas for performing magic while naked from the waist down. Of little practical use for most performers, unless they find themselves in a situation requiring the removal of pants, the notes include such techniques as Palming Without Hands, No-Fail Misdirection, and Mother Nature's Topit.
(e) To Hell With All Of You, You Bastards (1997; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): The last in the Boozo trilogy, these lecture notes are effectively a drunken, paranoid rant written in red lipstick on paper towels. Endless, incoherent, and ultimately violent in tone, the notes describe Boozo's bitter struggle with virtually all aspects of magic and performance. The notes end with some interesting ideas on balloon animals.
--
JD
In 1993, the Brotherhood of International Guides on Magical Act Censorship (B.I.G.M.A.C.) convened in Geneva to establish rules regarding the performance of magic. Part of the agenda was dedicated to compiling a list of "banned" tricks, those that the governing committee felt were "...outside the realm of professionalism in the context of magic performance and likely to put out an eye..." Which of the following popular tricks was NOT on that list?
(a) Psi-Anide: A compelling routine wherein the mentalist attempts to determine who, from among a group of volunteering spectators who are poised to ingest ludicrous quantities of cyanide, will die first.
(b) Oops French Arm Chopper: Based on the original French Arm Chopper. In the Oops version, the trick "backfires" as the carrot remains intact and the spectator's arm is actually severed. The Lacerating 'Lusionist, manufacturer of this effect as well as Oops Sword Thru Neck and Oops Bullet
Catch, quickly fell into receivership on the ban.
(c) Butt Coils: Similar to mouth coils but less socially acceptable. Popularized in the late 1970s by Sphincter The Magnificent.
(d) Hippity Hop Dildoes: Based on the original Hippity Hop Rabbits, the Dildoes version tells a much more disturbing story of some mean-spirited dildoes. Scholars believe the performance of this effect may have played a meaningful role in inciting the infamous Detroit Dildo Riots of the early 1940s.
(e) Smack The Pack: A stunning visual effect where a deck of cards is magically transformed into an ounce of high-grade Peruvian heroin. The magician's patter is built around the idea that it's easier to "cut" a pack
of cards than an ounce of heroin. Odie The Omnipotent, the ill-fated magician who was tragically killed in 1988 while performing with a defective Dice Bomb, often used Smack The Pack in conjunction with Oops
Needle Thru Arm, now also banned.
Hollywood and conjuring have a special relationship going back decades. Although many great magic-based movies have arisen from this unique partnership, what do scholars generally agree was perhaps the most masterful production to ever hit the screen ?
(a) Body Double Lift (1984): A dark, voyeuristic, and occasionally self-indulgent work revolving around a man's growing obsession with a woman and her flawless double lift technique. Moviegoers will remember that timeless line: "I swear that is only one card, sister, only one card..."
(b) African Queen Of Clubs (1951): Set in Africa during WWI, this film tells the tale of a hard-drinking riverboat captain and a relatively straight-shooting missionary and their attempt to navigate a route to L.A. to catch the Siegfried and Roy matinee.
(c) A Bill In Clockwork Orange (1971): A disturbing, albeit engrossing work which examines the role of good and evil as it pertains to finding vanished currency imbedded inside fresh fruit.
(d) Citizen Dancing Kane (1941): A story of wealth, power, and excess in the cutthroat world of magic book publishing. Famed for the enigmatic last words of its protagonist, "Roughing spray".
(e) When Harry Met That Guy From McGill (1989): The fateful story of an escape artist looking for love, only to have his appendicitis worsened by some bozo at McGill University.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU WERE NOT INVITED TO PERFORM AT THIS YEAR'S SHOW
5. Your opening line from last year's show, "Listen up you bloody ignorant and generally unwashed fools cause I'm only going to do this once, and only for the money at that!" may not have gone over well.
4. Your insistence on performing without the benefit of pants was disturbing, notwithstanding your assertions regarding the good advice from the Unofficial Master Magicians' Institute (UMMI).
3. Your closing effect was Multiplying Scrotums.
2. Your insistence on having your dressing room stocked with an endless supply of imported bottled water, red jelly beans, trays of fresh crudites and imported cheeses, a fully equipped gym, and backstage passes for some of your "friends" was considered unseemly seeing as you were only doing a
10-minute act in a high school cafeteria.
...and the number one reason you were not invited to perform at this year's show...
1. Coming to the show after a full-out, drop-dead, 48-hour kegger at the local crack den may (I said may) have affected your overall demeanour.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CCXIII)
Lecture notes are a rare treasure in the world of magic. Very often, they contain groundbreaking new material, or effects and routines that have not yet become widely available. At the same time, lecture notes can occasionally be less-than-spectacular. What do scholars agree is the most useless set of lecture notes ever produced?
(a) Why I Hate All Of You (1992; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): A drunken diatribe by one of magic's most bitter and pathetic individuals. A compendium of lost hopes, dashed dreams, and advanced sponge ball technique.
(b) Card Care (1980; Sven Svensersenvensen...sen...ven): Devoid of any magical ability at all, yet desperate to make his mark, Svensersenvensen...sen...ven produced this booklet describing his technique
for rejuvenating used playing cards in the dishwasher. As dishwashing the cards did, in fact, ruin them, Svensersenvensen...sen...ven was eventually ostracized by the magic community at large.
(c) Fuck You (1994; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): The much ballyhooed follow-up to Boozo's 1992 work, "Why I Hate All Of You", these lecture notes include page after page of rhetoric, accusations, and jealous outbursts all apparently written in a drunken haze. There is also a helpful section on the care and maintenance of seltzer bottles.
(d) Magic Without Pants (1983; Moe Ronn): A controversial set of notes describing Ronn's innovative ideas for performing magic while naked from the waist down. Of little practical use for most performers, unless they find themselves in a situation requiring the removal of pants, the notes include such techniques as Palming Without Hands, No-Fail Misdirection, and Mother Nature's Topit.
(e) To Hell With All Of You, You Bastards (1997; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): The last in the Boozo trilogy, these lecture notes are effectively a drunken, paranoid rant written in red lipstick on paper towels. Endless, incoherent, and ultimately violent in tone, the notes describe Boozo's bitter struggle with virtually all aspects of magic and performance. The notes end with some interesting ideas on balloon animals.
--
JD
Friday, February 06, 2004
Magic For The Queen, Celery Magic, & Other Ramblings
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part LXXIV)
You have been invited to perform for Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and guests at Buckingham Palace. The performance is going flawlessly when, all of a sudden, some flash paper spontaneously ignites and damages the rest of your act. What is your best course of action?
(a) Bitch slap some of the visiting dignitaries. In the ensuing melee, you should find the time to undertake the necessary repairs.
(b) Insist the whole mess is the work of a secret, underground Argentinean militia working in concert with football hooligans and the paparazzi. Leave quickly but, on your way out, nod in a conspiratorial fashion in Prince Philip's direction to throw off the tabloids; they love stuff like that. Besides, you may be right. If it were a real conspiracy you wouldn't know anyway.
(c) Take off your pants. Again, this should be an instinctive fall-back position.
(d) Repeat all the effects you performed earlier stating to your audience, "Maybe this time you COULD pay attention...that is IF you're still not too BUSY carrying on with your PITHY, MINDLESS conversations." The caps are for emphasis.
(e) Mention you just haven't been the same since being passed over for knighthood, in particular since you've done more for humanity than Sean Connery. Make unflattering comments about "Zardoz".
Most magicians like to maintain a relatively set inventory of magic tricks and utilities in order to facilitate both the performance and reset of their walk-around repertoire. Of the following, which do scholars agree is perhaps the most pivotal piece of equipment?
(a) Celery: The item central to such magic classics as Celery Asrah, Celery Silks Galore, Colour-Changing Celery, Celery On Ceiling, Fountain O' Celery, Celery That Goes Bump In The Night, The Celery Chamber, Dreams Of Celery, Celery Thoughts, The Celery Challenge, Psi-Ellary -- the very excellent mentalism effect -- and, of course, the Dice Bomb.
(b) The Nine Of Spades: Seeing as this is the card spectators invariably select, either through free choice or a force, you have to at least have this one.
(c) Curare: Where would we all be without this one? Hmmmmm? Anyone want to venture a guess as to the way magic would be performed today without this indispensable utility? Anyone? Anyone at all? I didn't think so.
(d) The Gizmonator: No one has actually determined what this thing can do -- and, in fact, whether or not it is actually a magic trick -- but with a name like that surely it is imperative that all magicians be equipped with one.
(e) Swollen Rat Testicles: This goes without saying.
--
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOUR SHOW IS GOING TO BE A DISASTER
5. Your opening act, The Beatles Reunion Tour, is booed out of the place.
4. At the last minute, you discover you have run out of smoke, and the mirrors are on back order. This is followed by technical problems with the wires and trap door. You are informed that most of your camera tricks are not expected to work.
3. The local of the International Association of Performing Doves (I.A.P.D.) is picketing the theatre demanding higher quality seed, increased use of the comics page in lining the birdcage, and unfettered
access to pension surpluses. Word gets out that some of the doves on the picket line have been drinking and are getting a little unruly. Some audience members are roughed up on the way in.
2. You begin to question the logic of building a full-length stage show around a lemon, a light bulb, and a piece of string. Your backup plan, Dice Bomb Bonanza, doesn't look much better. You should have know better than to sign up for the Unofficial Master Magicians' Questionnaire.
...and the number one indication your show is going to be a disaster...
1. You realize, perhaps a little too late, that including a free copy of your lecture notes with every ticket purchased was not "the genius marketing idea of the century".
--
JD
You have been invited to perform for Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and guests at Buckingham Palace. The performance is going flawlessly when, all of a sudden, some flash paper spontaneously ignites and damages the rest of your act. What is your best course of action?
(a) Bitch slap some of the visiting dignitaries. In the ensuing melee, you should find the time to undertake the necessary repairs.
(b) Insist the whole mess is the work of a secret, underground Argentinean militia working in concert with football hooligans and the paparazzi. Leave quickly but, on your way out, nod in a conspiratorial fashion in Prince Philip's direction to throw off the tabloids; they love stuff like that. Besides, you may be right. If it were a real conspiracy you wouldn't know anyway.
(c) Take off your pants. Again, this should be an instinctive fall-back position.
(d) Repeat all the effects you performed earlier stating to your audience, "Maybe this time you COULD pay attention...that is IF you're still not too BUSY carrying on with your PITHY, MINDLESS conversations." The caps are for emphasis.
(e) Mention you just haven't been the same since being passed over for knighthood, in particular since you've done more for humanity than Sean Connery. Make unflattering comments about "Zardoz".
Most magicians like to maintain a relatively set inventory of magic tricks and utilities in order to facilitate both the performance and reset of their walk-around repertoire. Of the following, which do scholars agree is perhaps the most pivotal piece of equipment?
(a) Celery: The item central to such magic classics as Celery Asrah, Celery Silks Galore, Colour-Changing Celery, Celery On Ceiling, Fountain O' Celery, Celery That Goes Bump In The Night, The Celery Chamber, Dreams Of Celery, Celery Thoughts, The Celery Challenge, Psi-Ellary -- the very excellent mentalism effect -- and, of course, the Dice Bomb.
(b) The Nine Of Spades: Seeing as this is the card spectators invariably select, either through free choice or a force, you have to at least have this one.
(c) Curare: Where would we all be without this one? Hmmmmm? Anyone want to venture a guess as to the way magic would be performed today without this indispensable utility? Anyone? Anyone at all? I didn't think so.
(d) The Gizmonator: No one has actually determined what this thing can do -- and, in fact, whether or not it is actually a magic trick -- but with a name like that surely it is imperative that all magicians be equipped with one.
(e) Swollen Rat Testicles: This goes without saying.
--
TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOUR SHOW IS GOING TO BE A DISASTER
5. Your opening act, The Beatles Reunion Tour, is booed out of the place.
4. At the last minute, you discover you have run out of smoke, and the mirrors are on back order. This is followed by technical problems with the wires and trap door. You are informed that most of your camera tricks are not expected to work.
3. The local of the International Association of Performing Doves (I.A.P.D.) is picketing the theatre demanding higher quality seed, increased use of the comics page in lining the birdcage, and unfettered
access to pension surpluses. Word gets out that some of the doves on the picket line have been drinking and are getting a little unruly. Some audience members are roughed up on the way in.
2. You begin to question the logic of building a full-length stage show around a lemon, a light bulb, and a piece of string. Your backup plan, Dice Bomb Bonanza, doesn't look much better. You should have know better than to sign up for the Unofficial Master Magicians' Questionnaire.
...and the number one indication your show is going to be a disaster...
1. You realize, perhaps a little too late, that including a free copy of your lecture notes with every ticket purchased was not "the genius marketing idea of the century".
--
JD
Thursday, February 05, 2004
The Roman Empire, Star Trek Magic, & Other Ramblings
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part MX)
The Cups & Balls, a popular routine in modern magic, is reputed to have been performed by magicians in ancient Egypt. What other current mainstay also played an important role in history?
(a) The Roman Empire's legions were rumoured to have employed armadas of malfunctioning Zig-Zag Illusions against the Gauls.
(b) Scholars believe some of the prehistoric cave-dwelling drawings in Jejune, France depict a version of "Woolly Mammoth To Dove".
(c) The are stories purporting that following the production of soldiers from within the Trojan Horse, "there came a torrent of silks, streamers, confetti, and parasols capable of sinking a thousand ships".
(d) There is a school of thought that argues carbon-based life, as we know it, arose not only from the interaction between electrical currents, potentially engendered by naturally occurring lightning, and inorganic materials intrinsic to the "primordial ooze", but that the Dice Bomb may also have played a pivotal role.
(e) Although the controversy continues, many believe Amerigo Vespucci's motivation in seeking out the New World was a desire to "find out what all that Siegfried and Roy hoopla was about".
--
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE MAGIC CONVENTION YOU'RE ATTENDING IS LAME
5. There's a stage show and competition, a close-up show and competition, and a Dice Bomb show and competition. The latter somehow turns out to be really, really good.
4. The featured guest performers are Phil Harris, Jeff McBridge, Alpo Colombini, Ernie DeCamps, Bill Maloon, Chet Long, Gary Hurtz, Juan Tamarintz, and David Broth.
3. The lecturers take attendance. One of the spectators is given a detention...and the assertion he "didn't put up his hand before heading to the restroom" is never really verified, certainly not to everyone's
satisfaction.
2. The highlight of the dealers' room is the "Honest Eddie Fontaine's Emporium O' Magical Goodies & Bulk Dog Food" booth. This is closely followed by the guy selling arts & crafts fashioned with hardened bodily
fluids.
...and the number one sign the magic convention you're attending is lame...
1. None of the performers backstabs any of the other performers.
--
OK, now it gets worse.
--
Once in a while, a real gem of a find comes along. Late last year, an intoxicated sound technician for a relatively well-known Hollywood studio, while looking for a remote spot to blow some chunks, stumbled upon a "lost" episode of the original "Star Trek" series. The episode, entitled "The Prestidigitator's Quandary", revolves around Captain Kirk's renewed interest in his childhood hobby, magic, and the role it plays in saving the Enterprise from the destructive force of the warmongering Anjovians.
An interesting element of the script was Gene Roddenberry's attempt to build more liberal concepts into the show, including the sporadic use of foul language and several nude butt shots involving the Spock and Uhura characters (note this technique, considered highly risque at the time, was later successfully used by Steven Bochco to build hysterical publicity around "NYPD Blue").
Although the episode was never actually filmed (most scholars believe this was due to the studio's fear that audiences would be repulsed by Vulcan butt) we here at JD's Ramblings are fortunate enough to have been given the rare opportunity to glimpse at but a small sampling of the original script.
STAR TREK -- EPIDSODE 92 -- THE PRESTIDIGITATOR'S QUANDARY
SCENE 1 - OUTSIDE SHIP VIEW
KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 20914. We are on our way to rendezvous with the Phentonian ambassador in the Vexor quadrant. The Federation is seeking to broker a treaty between the Phentonians and Anjovians who have been at war for over 357,000 years.
SCENE 2 - THE BRIDGE
SULU: Captain, we are on course and should reach the Vexor quadrant in eight hours.
KIRK: Excellent Sulu. Bridge to engineering...how is everything Scotty?
SCOTTY: Great jumpin' jehosophat, Captain, she's givin' him all I have...I mean I'm givin' him all she's been givin' to me...I mean she's got what I've been givin' to them...
KIRK: Scotty! Scotty! What the hell are you talking about? Have you been drinking again?
SCOTTY: Yes sir! Sorry sir!
KIRK: Report to sick bay you drunken old sod bastard. Spock, have we picked up any transmission from the ambassador yet?
SPOCK: Negative, Captain. It appears the Anjovians may, in fact, be using some form of interference designed to hinder our progress towards the Vexor quadrant. I find this most disturbing.
KIRK (muttering under his breath): The only disturbing thing here is the prospect of seeing your Vulcan ass later on in this episode...
SPOCK: What was that Jim?
KIRK (now with a deck of cards and performing some simple card flourishes): Oh, nothing Spock. As you were. Hey, Bones! Pick a card!
DR. McCOY: Damnit Jim! I'm a doctor not a spectator!
KIRK: I said pick a card or I'll have Nurse Chapel get the rubber glove.
DR. McCOY: I'm the one who uses the rubber glove around here! Just ask that pointy-eared freak over there!
SPOCK (grimacing at the memory): Doctor, in as much as I appear to be a freak to you, I do find your human features to be equally repulsive.
DR. McCOY: Fuck you, Spock! You wanna piece of me?! Right here!
SPOCK: Doctor, you understand of course that I could, as you humans say, whip your ass? It's only logical.
KIRK: Gentlemen, gentlemen...surely this isn't necessary.
DR. McCOY: He started it, that mind-melding bastard! Now give me the goddamn cards! There...I picked one.
KIRK: Show it around and remember it...return it to the deck...now it's lost in the deck, right?
SPOCK: Captain, if I may interrupt, it appears you just employed Quesivio of the Venn galaxy's Diagonal Rear Bottom-Palm Back Shift to control Dr. McCoy's card to the top and followed up with a standard One-Hand Top Palm. I believe Quesivio originated the move in his 2080 treatise "I Might Have
16 Fingers, But That Don't Mean I...
KIRK:...Why...you...son of a BITCH!
SPOCK: Actually, Jim, as you know, my mother was human...
KIRK & DR. McCOY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You get the picture. Come to think of it, it makes sense the episode never got put on film.
Having said that, I do remember a particularly disturbing episode of the "Brady Bunch" in the early '70s that borrowed some of the same techniques. You know, the one where the Horseshack threatened to moon Mr. Kotter if he didn't give the Sweathogs back their crack pipes. In addition, I believe there was an episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" where Joanie didn't love Chachi anymore, but then they made up. This was, of course, followed by the short-lived "Spock Loves Chachi" which many scholars agree was one of the less successful segments in Leonard Nimoy's otherwise illustrious career.
But, then again, what the hell do I know?
--
JD
The Cups & Balls, a popular routine in modern magic, is reputed to have been performed by magicians in ancient Egypt. What other current mainstay also played an important role in history?
(a) The Roman Empire's legions were rumoured to have employed armadas of malfunctioning Zig-Zag Illusions against the Gauls.
(b) Scholars believe some of the prehistoric cave-dwelling drawings in Jejune, France depict a version of "Woolly Mammoth To Dove".
(c) The are stories purporting that following the production of soldiers from within the Trojan Horse, "there came a torrent of silks, streamers, confetti, and parasols capable of sinking a thousand ships".
(d) There is a school of thought that argues carbon-based life, as we know it, arose not only from the interaction between electrical currents, potentially engendered by naturally occurring lightning, and inorganic materials intrinsic to the "primordial ooze", but that the Dice Bomb may also have played a pivotal role.
(e) Although the controversy continues, many believe Amerigo Vespucci's motivation in seeking out the New World was a desire to "find out what all that Siegfried and Roy hoopla was about".
--
TOP FIVE SIGNS THE MAGIC CONVENTION YOU'RE ATTENDING IS LAME
5. There's a stage show and competition, a close-up show and competition, and a Dice Bomb show and competition. The latter somehow turns out to be really, really good.
4. The featured guest performers are Phil Harris, Jeff McBridge, Alpo Colombini, Ernie DeCamps, Bill Maloon, Chet Long, Gary Hurtz, Juan Tamarintz, and David Broth.
3. The lecturers take attendance. One of the spectators is given a detention...and the assertion he "didn't put up his hand before heading to the restroom" is never really verified, certainly not to everyone's
satisfaction.
2. The highlight of the dealers' room is the "Honest Eddie Fontaine's Emporium O' Magical Goodies & Bulk Dog Food" booth. This is closely followed by the guy selling arts & crafts fashioned with hardened bodily
fluids.
...and the number one sign the magic convention you're attending is lame...
1. None of the performers backstabs any of the other performers.
--
OK, now it gets worse.
--
Once in a while, a real gem of a find comes along. Late last year, an intoxicated sound technician for a relatively well-known Hollywood studio, while looking for a remote spot to blow some chunks, stumbled upon a "lost" episode of the original "Star Trek" series. The episode, entitled "The Prestidigitator's Quandary", revolves around Captain Kirk's renewed interest in his childhood hobby, magic, and the role it plays in saving the Enterprise from the destructive force of the warmongering Anjovians.
An interesting element of the script was Gene Roddenberry's attempt to build more liberal concepts into the show, including the sporadic use of foul language and several nude butt shots involving the Spock and Uhura characters (note this technique, considered highly risque at the time, was later successfully used by Steven Bochco to build hysterical publicity around "NYPD Blue").
Although the episode was never actually filmed (most scholars believe this was due to the studio's fear that audiences would be repulsed by Vulcan butt) we here at JD's Ramblings are fortunate enough to have been given the rare opportunity to glimpse at but a small sampling of the original script.
STAR TREK -- EPIDSODE 92 -- THE PRESTIDIGITATOR'S QUANDARY
SCENE 1 - OUTSIDE SHIP VIEW
KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 20914. We are on our way to rendezvous with the Phentonian ambassador in the Vexor quadrant. The Federation is seeking to broker a treaty between the Phentonians and Anjovians who have been at war for over 357,000 years.
SCENE 2 - THE BRIDGE
SULU: Captain, we are on course and should reach the Vexor quadrant in eight hours.
KIRK: Excellent Sulu. Bridge to engineering...how is everything Scotty?
SCOTTY: Great jumpin' jehosophat, Captain, she's givin' him all I have...I mean I'm givin' him all she's been givin' to me...I mean she's got what I've been givin' to them...
KIRK: Scotty! Scotty! What the hell are you talking about? Have you been drinking again?
SCOTTY: Yes sir! Sorry sir!
KIRK: Report to sick bay you drunken old sod bastard. Spock, have we picked up any transmission from the ambassador yet?
SPOCK: Negative, Captain. It appears the Anjovians may, in fact, be using some form of interference designed to hinder our progress towards the Vexor quadrant. I find this most disturbing.
KIRK (muttering under his breath): The only disturbing thing here is the prospect of seeing your Vulcan ass later on in this episode...
SPOCK: What was that Jim?
KIRK (now with a deck of cards and performing some simple card flourishes): Oh, nothing Spock. As you were. Hey, Bones! Pick a card!
DR. McCOY: Damnit Jim! I'm a doctor not a spectator!
KIRK: I said pick a card or I'll have Nurse Chapel get the rubber glove.
DR. McCOY: I'm the one who uses the rubber glove around here! Just ask that pointy-eared freak over there!
SPOCK (grimacing at the memory): Doctor, in as much as I appear to be a freak to you, I do find your human features to be equally repulsive.
DR. McCOY: Fuck you, Spock! You wanna piece of me?! Right here!
SPOCK: Doctor, you understand of course that I could, as you humans say, whip your ass? It's only logical.
KIRK: Gentlemen, gentlemen...surely this isn't necessary.
DR. McCOY: He started it, that mind-melding bastard! Now give me the goddamn cards! There...I picked one.
KIRK: Show it around and remember it...return it to the deck...now it's lost in the deck, right?
SPOCK: Captain, if I may interrupt, it appears you just employed Quesivio of the Venn galaxy's Diagonal Rear Bottom-Palm Back Shift to control Dr. McCoy's card to the top and followed up with a standard One-Hand Top Palm. I believe Quesivio originated the move in his 2080 treatise "I Might Have
16 Fingers, But That Don't Mean I...
KIRK:...Why...you...son of a BITCH!
SPOCK: Actually, Jim, as you know, my mother was human...
KIRK & DR. McCOY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You get the picture. Come to think of it, it makes sense the episode never got put on film.
Having said that, I do remember a particularly disturbing episode of the "Brady Bunch" in the early '70s that borrowed some of the same techniques. You know, the one where the Horseshack threatened to moon Mr. Kotter if he didn't give the Sweathogs back their crack pipes. In addition, I believe there was an episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" where Joanie didn't love Chachi anymore, but then they made up. This was, of course, followed by the short-lived "Spock Loves Chachi" which many scholars agree was one of the less successful segments in Leonard Nimoy's otherwise illustrious career.
But, then again, what the hell do I know?
--
JD
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Discoverie Of Witchcraft, Magic Price Inflation, & Other Ramblings
THE UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE -- Part XXV
What do scholars agree was Reginald Scot's underlying motivation in writing The Discoverie of Witchcraft?
(a) The king threatened to punch Scot's lights out if he kept refusing to explain how the knave kept coming back to the top of the deck.
(b) It would be a perfect cover for the other book he was writing, "The Discoverie of Porno".
(c) Sir Boingy-Boing of Throttlebottominghamshire, his greatest rival and the king's court magician, was a big-time, badass mofo.
(d) He was trying to preempt a Fox TV special scheduled to be aired in 5 centuries.
(e) His open rivalry with Sigfried & Roy who had just begun headlining in Vegashire.
The magician's code is effectively what?
(a) Drinking before noon at magic conventions is verboten, unless, of course, you're old and bitter.
(b) Never repeat the trick. Ever! Got that? Never, ever, ever, ever...ok, just this once.
(c) If there's no left pinky break, it ain't worth learning.
(d) Don't reveal your secrets, especially the ones involving latex and barnyard animals.
(e) When meeting members of the opposite sex, there is nothing more effective than opening with "Pick a card."
--
A question…
About two decades ago, I purchased a Crystal Silk Cylinder (CSC). For the
record, the CSC is not really made with crystal but, rather, some sort of
space-age, translucent material.
It arrived at the post office packed in a large cardboard cigarette box. I
remember this cause when I got home, my mom said "I hope you didn't waste
more money on some magic junk!" and I said "Mom, can't you see I bought a
gross of cigarettes? C'mon, get real. Now if you'll excuse me, I will be
retiring to my room to smoke my brains out."
Anyways, if memory serves me well, I paid C$23.50 for the CSC. Today I see
it being sold for C$132.50. This progression over 20 years suggests the CSC
has experienced a price inflation compound average growth rate (CAGR) of
just over 9%. This compares to a US Consumer Price Index (CPI) CAGR of
about 4% over the same period.
The question is, who's taking the spread? Who?
For the love of man, WHO?
I've narrowed it down to three potential culprits: (1) the "crystal"
cartel; (2) the silk manufacturers; (3) the cylinder conglomerates.
I'll update you on developments.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU DIDN'T WIN 1ST PRIZE AT FISM 2000
5. You began your act by passing around a bucket filled with little squares of paper, imploring all the spectators to "drop a hit" if they really wanted to "groove into" your act, man.
4. The theme for your entire performance was "Dice Bomb Bonanza".
3. Way, way, way, way, way too much lighter fluid. Seriously, way, way, waaaaayyyyyy too much.
2. You ended your act by politely informing the judges that you "know where they live and are intimately familiar with their personal schedules".
...and the number one reason you didn't win 1st prize at FISM 2000...
1. Your act was flawless and entertaining...unfortunately, you thought you were attending FISTING 2000.
--
THE UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE -- Part XXVIII
A spectator has just grabbed the entire deck from you, selected a card and put it into their pocket, and stuck the balance of the deck into another pocket. The spectator now challenges you to name the selection. What is your best course of action?
(a) Threaten to perform your 20-minute "Dice Bomb Bonanza" act if the deck isn't promptly returned.
(b) Drive a swift, hard one into the spectator's tender area, at the same time stating: "Never! Ever! Don't ever mess with Mr. Magic!". Once the spectator has crumpled into a fetal position, it is a simple matter to retrieve the cards.
(c) Employ your actual mind-reading powers.
(d) Start wailing like a baby. I mean, really let it out...top of the lungs kinda stuff. The other spectators are likely to feel sorry for you and will politely ask the offending spectator to return the deck. Once the deck is returned, pout and sniffle for added effect. Go off to a corner and sulk.
Wave away anyone who comes over to provide comfort. Eventually ask someone for a ride home.
(e) Take off your pants. Although this doesn't really solve anything, it's fun.
--
JD
What do scholars agree was Reginald Scot's underlying motivation in writing The Discoverie of Witchcraft?
(a) The king threatened to punch Scot's lights out if he kept refusing to explain how the knave kept coming back to the top of the deck.
(b) It would be a perfect cover for the other book he was writing, "The Discoverie of Porno".
(c) Sir Boingy-Boing of Throttlebottominghamshire, his greatest rival and the king's court magician, was a big-time, badass mofo.
(d) He was trying to preempt a Fox TV special scheduled to be aired in 5 centuries.
(e) His open rivalry with Sigfried & Roy who had just begun headlining in Vegashire.
The magician's code is effectively what?
(a) Drinking before noon at magic conventions is verboten, unless, of course, you're old and bitter.
(b) Never repeat the trick. Ever! Got that? Never, ever, ever, ever...ok, just this once.
(c) If there's no left pinky break, it ain't worth learning.
(d) Don't reveal your secrets, especially the ones involving latex and barnyard animals.
(e) When meeting members of the opposite sex, there is nothing more effective than opening with "Pick a card."
--
A question…
About two decades ago, I purchased a Crystal Silk Cylinder (CSC). For the
record, the CSC is not really made with crystal but, rather, some sort of
space-age, translucent material.
It arrived at the post office packed in a large cardboard cigarette box. I
remember this cause when I got home, my mom said "I hope you didn't waste
more money on some magic junk!" and I said "Mom, can't you see I bought a
gross of cigarettes? C'mon, get real. Now if you'll excuse me, I will be
retiring to my room to smoke my brains out."
Anyways, if memory serves me well, I paid C$23.50 for the CSC. Today I see
it being sold for C$132.50. This progression over 20 years suggests the CSC
has experienced a price inflation compound average growth rate (CAGR) of
just over 9%. This compares to a US Consumer Price Index (CPI) CAGR of
about 4% over the same period.
The question is, who's taking the spread? Who?
For the love of man, WHO?
I've narrowed it down to three potential culprits: (1) the "crystal"
cartel; (2) the silk manufacturers; (3) the cylinder conglomerates.
I'll update you on developments.
--
TOP FIVE REASONS YOU DIDN'T WIN 1ST PRIZE AT FISM 2000
5. You began your act by passing around a bucket filled with little squares of paper, imploring all the spectators to "drop a hit" if they really wanted to "groove into" your act, man.
4. The theme for your entire performance was "Dice Bomb Bonanza".
3. Way, way, way, way, way too much lighter fluid. Seriously, way, way, waaaaayyyyyy too much.
2. You ended your act by politely informing the judges that you "know where they live and are intimately familiar with their personal schedules".
...and the number one reason you didn't win 1st prize at FISM 2000...
1. Your act was flawless and entertaining...unfortunately, you thought you were attending FISTING 2000.
--
THE UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE -- Part XXVIII
A spectator has just grabbed the entire deck from you, selected a card and put it into their pocket, and stuck the balance of the deck into another pocket. The spectator now challenges you to name the selection. What is your best course of action?
(a) Threaten to perform your 20-minute "Dice Bomb Bonanza" act if the deck isn't promptly returned.
(b) Drive a swift, hard one into the spectator's tender area, at the same time stating: "Never! Ever! Don't ever mess with Mr. Magic!". Once the spectator has crumpled into a fetal position, it is a simple matter to retrieve the cards.
(c) Employ your actual mind-reading powers.
(d) Start wailing like a baby. I mean, really let it out...top of the lungs kinda stuff. The other spectators are likely to feel sorry for you and will politely ask the offending spectator to return the deck. Once the deck is returned, pout and sniffle for added effect. Go off to a corner and sulk.
Wave away anyone who comes over to provide comfort. Eventually ask someone for a ride home.
(e) Take off your pants. Although this doesn't really solve anything, it's fun.
--
JD
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Magic Shops, Exploding Light Bulbs, & Other Ramblings
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU WERE RIPPED OFF WITH YOUR RECENT PURCHASE
5. Your "Penultimate Reputation-Enhancing Miracle-Making Blockbuster" is exposed by Elmo on Sesame Street.
4. The package your "endless roll of high-quality disposable silks" comes in emphasizes their "cottony-softness".
3. The innovative new effect you bought involves the words "dice" and "bomb".
2. As you're leaving the magic shop, the owner looks at you, winks, smiles slightly, lets out a very quiet little chuckle, looks back down while modestly shaking his head, rubs the side of his nose ever so gently, and mutters "Bloody dumbass fool..."
...and the number one sign you were ripped off...
1. The instructions are legible and well illustrated.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXIII)
You are handed a light bulb, length of string, and a lemon. The challenge is to put together a full-length stage show. What is your best course of action?
(a) Perform Light Bulb & String To Lemon non-stop for two hours, perhaps breaking only for a 15-minute intermission. Hand out the lemon to a lucky spectator at the end of the show as a keepsake. You could draw his/her name from a hat, or do something more creative in selecting the spectator, perhaps something involving the string, or even the light bulb.
(b) Take off your pants. This should, by now, be your standard reaction to any crisis.
(c) Contact Lance Burton's people and ask whether or not he would perform his full-length stage show in exchange for a light bulb and a lemon. Keep the string for yourself...you can never have too much string.
(d) Contact the authorities at the Master Magicians' headquarters and ask whether or not they have "gone completely off the deep end".
(e) Run. Run like the wind. This should always be your backup in event the pants strategy fails.
Many newly developed effects never see the light of day. What do scholars agree was probably the most controversial routine never to be formally published?
(a) Card Smash: Spectator freely selects card (no force) and shuffles it back into deck. Magician promptly lunges at spectator and pummels them into unconsciousness. When spectator comes to, the selection has been jammed up their nose.
(b) Flatu-Cents: An innovative version of the classic Miser's Dream routine performed with no pants.
(c) Enforcer's Dream: A fascinating mind-reading effect where several spectators are, through unspeakable levels of physical violence, somehow compelled to reveal their exact thoughts.
(d) Cruci-Fix: A destruction/restoration effect with religious overtones.
(e) The Rash Always Knows: A card revelation technique that builds on the properties of the highly toxic Bolivian Fire Plant.
--
I've rambled on this one before, but is there really room for an exploding light bulb in the world of magic? I mean, it's cool and everything; my issue is with practicality.
"Hey kids! Now that we've found Effo the Elephant safely back at home, and remember "Don't Talk To Strangers!", how 'bout we meet Lucky The Light Bulb!"
POP! TINKLE!
"AAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHH! SHARDS OF GLASS EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
(Yeah, yeah, yeah...OK...I know...it's not for kid shows...more of a telekinetic thing...)
"No sir, I cannot cause the pen on the table to move two inches...but I can 'xplode this light bulb here!"
POP! TINKLE!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!
AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!"
(Maybe I'm not giving this exploding light bulb a fair shake. I'm sure it's very, very practical.)
"No, ma'am, I have no idea what you have in your purse. And, no sir, I don't know what number you are thinking of. Please, I cannot levitate your chair with my mind. Would you please all just shut up and look at the fucking light bulb!"
POP! TINKLE!
"Thank you. Thank you very much."
(Maybe it's more of a practical joke thing.)
"Hey (mmmmmph), why don't you (mmmmph) turn (mmmmph) on the (mmmmmmmph) light?"
POP! TINKLE!
" GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Tee hee hee"
(Nope. That's not it.)
What's next? Wallets that combust when they are opened? Boxes that fall apart when picked up by the spectator and make a kind of "clattering" noise as the pieces hit the ground? Wands that flop over when picked up by the spectator creating room for really inventive and classy phallic humour?
But, then again, what the hell do I know?
--
JD
5. Your "Penultimate Reputation-Enhancing Miracle-Making Blockbuster" is exposed by Elmo on Sesame Street.
4. The package your "endless roll of high-quality disposable silks" comes in emphasizes their "cottony-softness".
3. The innovative new effect you bought involves the words "dice" and "bomb".
2. As you're leaving the magic shop, the owner looks at you, winks, smiles slightly, lets out a very quiet little chuckle, looks back down while modestly shaking his head, rubs the side of his nose ever so gently, and mutters "Bloody dumbass fool..."
...and the number one sign you were ripped off...
1. The instructions are legible and well illustrated.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXIII)
You are handed a light bulb, length of string, and a lemon. The challenge is to put together a full-length stage show. What is your best course of action?
(a) Perform Light Bulb & String To Lemon non-stop for two hours, perhaps breaking only for a 15-minute intermission. Hand out the lemon to a lucky spectator at the end of the show as a keepsake. You could draw his/her name from a hat, or do something more creative in selecting the spectator, perhaps something involving the string, or even the light bulb.
(b) Take off your pants. This should, by now, be your standard reaction to any crisis.
(c) Contact Lance Burton's people and ask whether or not he would perform his full-length stage show in exchange for a light bulb and a lemon. Keep the string for yourself...you can never have too much string.
(d) Contact the authorities at the Master Magicians' headquarters and ask whether or not they have "gone completely off the deep end".
(e) Run. Run like the wind. This should always be your backup in event the pants strategy fails.
Many newly developed effects never see the light of day. What do scholars agree was probably the most controversial routine never to be formally published?
(a) Card Smash: Spectator freely selects card (no force) and shuffles it back into deck. Magician promptly lunges at spectator and pummels them into unconsciousness. When spectator comes to, the selection has been jammed up their nose.
(b) Flatu-Cents: An innovative version of the classic Miser's Dream routine performed with no pants.
(c) Enforcer's Dream: A fascinating mind-reading effect where several spectators are, through unspeakable levels of physical violence, somehow compelled to reveal their exact thoughts.
(d) Cruci-Fix: A destruction/restoration effect with religious overtones.
(e) The Rash Always Knows: A card revelation technique that builds on the properties of the highly toxic Bolivian Fire Plant.
--
I've rambled on this one before, but is there really room for an exploding light bulb in the world of magic? I mean, it's cool and everything; my issue is with practicality.
"Hey kids! Now that we've found Effo the Elephant safely back at home, and remember "Don't Talk To Strangers!", how 'bout we meet Lucky The Light Bulb!"
POP! TINKLE!
"AAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHH! SHARDS OF GLASS EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
(Yeah, yeah, yeah...OK...I know...it's not for kid shows...more of a telekinetic thing...)
"No sir, I cannot cause the pen on the table to move two inches...but I can 'xplode this light bulb here!"
POP! TINKLE!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!
AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!"
(Maybe I'm not giving this exploding light bulb a fair shake. I'm sure it's very, very practical.)
"No, ma'am, I have no idea what you have in your purse. And, no sir, I don't know what number you are thinking of. Please, I cannot levitate your chair with my mind. Would you please all just shut up and look at the fucking light bulb!"
POP! TINKLE!
"Thank you. Thank you very much."
(Maybe it's more of a practical joke thing.)
"Hey (mmmmmph), why don't you (mmmmph) turn (mmmmph) on the (mmmmmmmph) light?"
POP! TINKLE!
" GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Tee hee hee"
(Nope. That's not it.)
What's next? Wallets that combust when they are opened? Boxes that fall apart when picked up by the spectator and make a kind of "clattering" noise as the pieces hit the ground? Wands that flop over when picked up by the spectator creating room for really inventive and classy phallic humour?
But, then again, what the hell do I know?
--
JD
Monday, February 02, 2004
Magic With Bodily Fluids, Second Dealing, & Other Ramblings
TOP FIVE REJECTED MAGIC BOOK TITLES
5. Darwin Ortiz' Compendium Of Easy-To-Do Card Tricks
4. Magic With Bodily Fluids
3. Secrets Behind Making Your Magic Better: Crank & Smack
2. Now You See It, Now You Do
...and the #1 rejected magic book title...
1. Look At Me: Magic For The Insecure
--
I regret I cannot second deal.
At a convention a few years ago, I asked Simon Lovell (he was marketing a
treatise on the topic) how long he thought it might take to master; he told
me it would take five years. Well, five years have passed and I still
cannot second deal.
I think he meant I would need to practice for five years.
--
TOP FIVE GERALDO MAGIC INVESTIGATIONS
5. I Know How You Did That: 24 Hours With Boozo, The Bitter, Old Clown
4. Magic's Dirty Little Secret: Magicians Who Practice!
3. Hey Copperfield, Hands Off Our Statue!: America Speaks Out
2. Magic's Secretive Secrets Revealed: Revealing The Revealer's Revelations
...and the #1 Geraldo magic investigation...
1. I Hate Siegfried & Roy: Tony The Tiger Lays Down The Law
--
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CONVENTION LECTURER MAY NOT BE UP TO SNUFF
5. Highlight effect involves vinegar, baking soda, and a small, aluminum
foil, volcano-like structure.
4. Catch-phrase appears to be "This worked at home."
3. The audience is on the floor laughing at his/her wacky antics and
pratfalls. The topic is mentalism.
2. All effects revolve around objects found around the house, assuming you
live in a secretive, government-funded nuclear technology research facility.
...and the #1 sign your convention lecturer may not be up to snuff...
1. The lecture notes are typeset, legible, and well illustrated.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CLXXIV)
The typical magician reacts with a certain excitement or rush when first
encountering a new principle, particularly if they are meaningfully fooled.
Sometimes nothing happens; the magician feels unaffected by the effect. In
this case, the trick's inventor has honourable intentions but the magic
doesn't quite come through. What do scholars generally agree is the least
compelling magic effect ever marketed?
(a) Mysterious Hullaballoo Fire Silks: Performer is a holding a
breathtaking bouquet of silks swirling in colour, excitement, and other
delightful wotnot. Spectator is asked to mentally select one of the
colours. The silks are waved about in a distinctly whooshy manner whilst
the performer boogies to some intoxicating exotic music. There is danger,
flashes, sparkles, and fire.
(b) Find-A-Card: A spectator selects a card from a shuffled deck, returns
it to deck, and again shuffles. Performer asks spectator to reveal identity
of card. Performer then goes through deck and removes a card; it is the
spectator's selection. Independently developed by the other JD, my four
year old son, although I suspect many sons/daughters have come before.
(c) It rhymes with Rice Mom.
(d) Spectacular Boxes O' Magic: From the same folks who brought you the
Mysterious Hullaballoo Fire Silks. Several large and colourful boxes are
rolled out on stage. As they are spun around, much brouhaha ensues, with
flashes of light, fire, danger, and sparkles. Many leap about. There is
much smoke. The music is intriguing at first, towards the end very
engrossing. Much happens. The curtain falls.
(e) Nuance Changing Silks: Performer holds a blue silk in hand. With a
wave, the silk remains blue. Upon closer inspection many agree, however,
the hue has been modified somewhat, although it remains open to debate.
Breakaway sessions are arranged and experts are brought in from the
Guggenheim.
--
JD
5. Darwin Ortiz' Compendium Of Easy-To-Do Card Tricks
4. Magic With Bodily Fluids
3. Secrets Behind Making Your Magic Better: Crank & Smack
2. Now You See It, Now You Do
...and the #1 rejected magic book title...
1. Look At Me: Magic For The Insecure
--
I regret I cannot second deal.
At a convention a few years ago, I asked Simon Lovell (he was marketing a
treatise on the topic) how long he thought it might take to master; he told
me it would take five years. Well, five years have passed and I still
cannot second deal.
I think he meant I would need to practice for five years.
--
TOP FIVE GERALDO MAGIC INVESTIGATIONS
5. I Know How You Did That: 24 Hours With Boozo, The Bitter, Old Clown
4. Magic's Dirty Little Secret: Magicians Who Practice!
3. Hey Copperfield, Hands Off Our Statue!: America Speaks Out
2. Magic's Secretive Secrets Revealed: Revealing The Revealer's Revelations
...and the #1 Geraldo magic investigation...
1. I Hate Siegfried & Roy: Tony The Tiger Lays Down The Law
--
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CONVENTION LECTURER MAY NOT BE UP TO SNUFF
5. Highlight effect involves vinegar, baking soda, and a small, aluminum
foil, volcano-like structure.
4. Catch-phrase appears to be "This worked at home."
3. The audience is on the floor laughing at his/her wacky antics and
pratfalls. The topic is mentalism.
2. All effects revolve around objects found around the house, assuming you
live in a secretive, government-funded nuclear technology research facility.
...and the #1 sign your convention lecturer may not be up to snuff...
1. The lecture notes are typeset, legible, and well illustrated.
--
UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CLXXIV)
The typical magician reacts with a certain excitement or rush when first
encountering a new principle, particularly if they are meaningfully fooled.
Sometimes nothing happens; the magician feels unaffected by the effect. In
this case, the trick's inventor has honourable intentions but the magic
doesn't quite come through. What do scholars generally agree is the least
compelling magic effect ever marketed?
(a) Mysterious Hullaballoo Fire Silks: Performer is a holding a
breathtaking bouquet of silks swirling in colour, excitement, and other
delightful wotnot. Spectator is asked to mentally select one of the
colours. The silks are waved about in a distinctly whooshy manner whilst
the performer boogies to some intoxicating exotic music. There is danger,
flashes, sparkles, and fire.
(b) Find-A-Card: A spectator selects a card from a shuffled deck, returns
it to deck, and again shuffles. Performer asks spectator to reveal identity
of card. Performer then goes through deck and removes a card; it is the
spectator's selection. Independently developed by the other JD, my four
year old son, although I suspect many sons/daughters have come before.
(c) It rhymes with Rice Mom.
(d) Spectacular Boxes O' Magic: From the same folks who brought you the
Mysterious Hullaballoo Fire Silks. Several large and colourful boxes are
rolled out on stage. As they are spun around, much brouhaha ensues, with
flashes of light, fire, danger, and sparkles. Many leap about. There is
much smoke. The music is intriguing at first, towards the end very
engrossing. Much happens. The curtain falls.
(e) Nuance Changing Silks: Performer holds a blue silk in hand. With a
wave, the silk remains blue. Upon closer inspection many agree, however,
the hue has been modified somewhat, although it remains open to debate.
Breakaway sessions are arranged and experts are brought in from the
Guggenheim.
--
JD
