JD's Magic Ramblings

With The Big Dump Over, Will The Ramblings Rise Again?

2004-04-05T09:24:00.000-04:00

Loyal readers should expect something from among the following potential outcomes:

* I will occasionally write something and post it here.
* I will receive a really creative, funny, albeit disturbing email and post it here.
* Some combination of the above.
* I will kinda forget about this whole mess and allow the blog to die a slow and painful death.

The likely outcome is that barring a successor, one I unsuccessfully attempted to find through a recent process posing as a contest, the frequency of stuff posted here will dramatically drop. You should check in once in a while, but don't be disappointed. Anyone who feels like contributing stuff, by all means should.

In the meantime, you know where to find me.

JD

Ming Dynasty Sticks, Elderly Mothers, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-30T16:01:00.000-05:00

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

David Roth is not only one of the magic worlds' preeminent coin workers, he also kicks ass as former lead singer of Van Halen.

Magicians working restaurants can earn huge, huge tips by resorting to basic extortion techniques. An ability to easily memorize customer license plates can be a real plus here.

Some magic websites sell something called a "Clown Insert". It frankly makes me a little nervous and, no, I don't want to know.

The haircut sported by David Copperfield during his vanishing aircraft TV special is pretty groovy, cats. Dig?

The Floating Dollar Bill has been done to death. Can't anyone come up with a system for the five or the ten?

Ming Dynasty Sticks can be bought for around US$80. Something tells me they are not really from the Ming Dynasty, but, rather, one of the cheaper dynasties.

You can buy flash paper, flash cotton, and flash cord. You cannot buy flash hemorrhoid medication…yet.

No magicians performed at the recent Stones concert, although some witnesses saw a guy in the crowd trying to work a couple of hotties with a reasonable Ambitious Card routine.

While James "The Amazing" Randi is a pretty solid guy, he is probably not a lot of fun at parties.

Performing the Zombie without the benefit of some form of cover will turn what should be a magical experience into something arguably pathetic.

Proper care and maintenance of your Dice Bomb will not only ensure it lasts for decades, it is also a bloody, shameful waste of everyone's time.

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MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXII)

Your elderly mother has traveled many thousands of miles to visit with you at the same time you are scheduled to perform a very important magic show. She is visibly upset and apparently unwilling to understand that several lucrative leads could result from the performance. What is your best course of action?

(a) If you were truly honest with yourself, you would realize you never really loved her. Let's face it, it is time you grow up and get on with your life. As a result, you should feel free to go do the show and crush her emotionally.

(b) Incorporate your mother into your act, employing her as an assistant in your sawing illusion. Your audience will be overcome with delight and gales of laughter watching your mother's hijinks as she struggles to enter the box. Despite the pain and humiliation, your mother should feel the rush of excitement one gets from the "stage".

(c) Placate your mother by agreeing to wear, during the show, the magician's cape she made for you when you were 10. While you will initially come across as a complete dorkhead during the show, let it be known that you are wearing the pathetic contraption for the sake of your mother. Rather than being viewed as a spineless, milquetoast, momma's boy, you will be praised by the audience for your maternal devotion.

(d) Offer to have her join the audience to watch you perform. On the way to the show, however, head to the vicinity of the airport. When you are within a reasonable walking distance, slow down to about 10 mph, reach over to the passenger side, open the door, and quickly nudge your mother out with your foot while yelling "Next time, call first!" After skidding to a stop by the side of the road, your mother will realize you need your independence and head back home.

(e) When your mother arrives, don't open the door but, rather, yell through the mail slot that you are working on an illusion so utterly secret that you cannot in good conscience let her in. After several hours in the sweltering heat, your mother will give up and head back to the airport confident in the knowledge she has respected the magician's code.

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TOP FIVE OPENING STATEMENTS IN A POSTING ON ANY MAGIC DISCUSSION BOARD DESTINED TO TRIGGER AN ORGY OF BACK-AND-FORTH FLAMING

5. "I think David Blaine is…"

4. "I think it is d@mn time all us closet Dice Bombers stand up for what we believe in…"

3. "I just wanted to let everyone know I have just wrapped up a TV special for FOX where I wear this funky mask and…"

2. "I know this post is lengthy, but having started in magic about month ago, I really want to share some of my keen insights on magic exposure, books vs videos, David Blaine, power struggles at the Magic Castle, exposure, online stores that rip you off, magic and religion, stealing business from other magicians at restaurants, and the Dice Bomb…"

…and the number one opening statement in a posting on any magic discussion board destined to trigger an orgy of back-and-forth flaming…

1. Hi, my name is JD and...

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JD

A Dice Bomb Moment

2004-03-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

"Creative power is that receptive attitude of expectancy which makes a mold into which the plastic and as yet undifferentiated substance can flow and take the desired form." - Thomas Troward

Ah, summer is upon us, which can only mean one thing: we share a jail cell with some twisted biker named Summer.

It also means this year's crop of Dice Bombs is in full bloom.

Recently, while driving through the countryside, I happened upon a Dice Bomb plantation. The air was thick and cloying with the teasing aroma of spent plastic resin. I found myself hypnotically entranced, succumbing ever so slowly to the breathtaking sight of budding Dice Bombs as they gently snuck their itsy-bitsy low-density polyethylene heads through the weather-beaten topsoil, taking in those first energizing rays of sunshine, absorbing and transforming the abundant energy that will by mid-summer have morphed the sweet, l'il bastards into full-fledged marvels of modern science.

Gosh. Is there anything more beautiful?

JD

Porn Magic, Magic At G8 Summits, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-25T09:18:00.000-05:00

MY TOP FIVE "NEW HAPPY YEAR!" MAGIC RESOLUTIONS

5. Stop recording over $79.99 magic videos with late night broadcasts of '70s era soft porn.

4. Reverse that ill-devised resolution from last year by getting off my lazy behind and moving that seventy pound box of flash cotton AWAY from the fireplace.

3. Come to the realization my twenty-minute magic solo act, "Thong!", is a major turnoff...and I mean big time.

2. Come up with better, catchier reply to a spectator's "How did you do that?" than current "Fuck off, you nosy fuckwad!".

...and my number one "New Happy Year!" magic resolution...

1. Turn down FOX's next offer and throw out that silly mask. Donate what's left of dirty money I received to local chapter of Dice Bombs Anonymous.

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN’S QUESTIONNAIRE

You have been asked to perform magic at a reception being held during an upcoming G8 summit. A successful show could obviously lead to some decent leads and bookings, so the pressure is on to really make your mark. While all of the following suggestions are guaranteed to produce surefire success, what among them would be the best course of action?

(a) Perform to the overall theme of the summit by getting into character. For example, you might try a show based around the “protester” look complete with placard -- which you can use for a card revelation -- and foam brick juggling. Think about appropriate costume ideas including black overalls and ski masks. Dignitaries, government officials, and security personnel will appreciate the thematic efforts you have made and the show should go over well.

(b) Government leaders are very busy people and subject to much distraction. If you want to leave a lasting impression, key to generating new leads and solidifying bookings, be sure to build as much profanity and nudity into your performance as humanly possible. As legendary show business great, Boozo The Bitter Ol’ Clown, said when arrested for lewd behaviour during a performance at Mac’s Beer House on Interstate 229, “Let them see your genitals and you’re as good as gold, man…as good as gold.”

(c) In order to create as much buzz as possible before your show, move quickly around the reception area while exuding a sense of suspicious eagerness. Approach some of the guests with a comically menacing look on your face while reaching into your pockets as if looking for some elusive mini square circle or other magical paraphernalia. If you are approached by any security personnel, force them to chase you by running in the opposite direction thus producing an even more delicious sense of anticipation.

(d) Seeing as the leaders of both the U.S. and France will be in the audience, build as many provocative jokes into your act as humanly possible. For example, if performing a sponge ball routine, mention that
you “had to bring your own balls cause you didn’t expect to find any in the room” while winking at Bush and pointing at Chirac. Or, perhaps, while performing Hippity Hop Rabbits, work some inappropriate war joke into your act while winking at Chirac and pointing at Bush. Play them off each other as much as you can and don’t let up when you hear the what sound like angry murmurs; many stage professionals call this noise “silent applause” and consider it a sign you are wowing the room. Your ability to make light of the dramatic political strains between both countries will paint you as a magician AND diplomat. The show should be a ringing success.

(e) If there was ever a better opportunity to whip out the ol’ Dice Bomb this is it. This marvel of modern science, what with that big nasty die turning into all those cute, itsy-bitsy little dice, I mean, mister man,
hoowee: this one will turn a regular night of magic into a ballyhooed brouhaha of illusional spectaculation. Hold onto your hats, gang!

--

As many of you are undoubtedly aware, I have been working on a piece for The Learning Channel’s Biography series. Entitled “Dice Bomb Dreams”, the one-hour episode looks at the Dice Bomb’s origins in detail, from its days as a simple sharecropper in the topsy-turvy days of the “wild west”, to its integral role in the development of the internal combustion engine, and finally its emergence as a modern-day magical wonder.

Just to update you with news we are putting the final touches on this wonderful production which promises to make you laugh, cry, and hug someone close. On the other hand, some of you may feel a slight tingling in your hands and feet and others may experience deep, debilitating nausea.

Stay tuned.

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JD

Magic Galore, Double Bang Wands, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-23T10:16:00.000-05:00

MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE - Part XVI

The year 2003 saw a plethora of new magic tricks enter the market. What do scholars believe was the most compelling piece to work its way onto dealers' shelves?

(a) Do As I Do Or Else: A thrilling variation of the classic Do As I Do revelation, both the performer and spectator select cards from separate decks, return the cards to the decks, and shuffle. The performer and spectator then switch decks. The performer removes his selection and reveals it. The spectator is then asked by a couple of rather intimidating, burly types who are clearly high on crystal meth to locate his selection from the other deck and reveal it. He is directed to be very careful in locating his card in order to ensure the show continues to go as smoothly as possible, "if you catch our drift". The spectator removes his "selection" and it matches the performer's. Comes complete with everything.

(b) ALDIBJRFDJFKEBLSPEIRUTNBIXZJAKERLTUPAHIQEOP Wallet: We're not sure, we lost track a long time ago.

(c) So-U-Decide: During a show in the penthouse suite of skyrise condo, performer asks spectator to shuffle deck, select card, return it to deck, and reshuffle. Performer is repeatedly unsuccessful in locating selection. Claiming this apparent failure is the last straw and that his life is no longer worth living, performer leaps off penthouse balcony. About halfway down, performer interrupts blood-curdling death plunge scream to call out the identity of spectator's card. Comes complete with everything including
that special something.

(d) Dice Bomb Super Wax: Dice bomb looking dull, tired, and overused? Not anymore.

Dice Bomb Super Wax...for the discriminating Dice Bomber.

(e) Super-Duper Fantabulous Lota Bowl Fiesta Galore: The performer displays a small, tastefully hand-finished diecast aluminum pot. Despite turning it over and such to prove it is empty, the performer is somehow able to produce a significant amount of water from the pot at intermittent periods during the show. In a spectacular finale, the performer produces one last, virtually endless torrent of water. The staggering volume of water cascading from the bowl quickly begins to flood the concert hall, surrounding city blocks and, ultimately significant parts of the region triggering a "state of emergency" call by local and state authorities. Professional and volunteer rescue efforts eventually bring everything under control, thus ending the show. Can be instantly repeated.

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MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Notwithstanding its name, the Dove Pan is not nearly as effective as your standard non-stick frying pan for the preparation of fried dove.

Given the disproportionate number of tricks which begin with the word "vanishing" relative to those beginning with "appearing", scientists have determined there'll be nothing left by 2017.

A trick in the hand is worth more than two in the bush, unless, of course, the two in the bush involve a lot of flash paper.

Is it me, or is there something inherently ironic about any trick "easy to master"?

Although early on in his career the legendary Houdini billed himself as the "King of Kards", scholars have so far been unable to determine what a kard is. While some have speculated the reference was to cards, this idea has been dismissed given he didn't call himself the "King of Cards".

You know you're in trouble when one of the kids at the party says "Yeah, well, why don't you Blendo this?"

The earliest recorded magic trick was performed for King Cheops in 2600 B.C. The most recent recorded magic trick was the one I did...just...now.

For many of us, the first performance of the Ball & Vase had less to do with magic and more to do with playing tackle football in mom's living room.

Give a man a Dice Bomb and he can do a trick. Teach a man to make Dice Bombs and he will flood the world with this scourgeful plague.

The description for the Viking Double Bang Wand on a popular magic website reads, in part, "This one swings both ways and gives you two bangs each performance." Yeah, but what about the wand?

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JD

Brick Magic, Magic In The Alps, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-22T09:03:00.000-05:00

Most recognized magicians' associations require prospective candidates submit an application form as part of the admissions process. Very often, these application forms include an "Other Comments" section where the candidate is invited to offer up any other additional information he or she deems worthwhile to the overall process. Which of the following "Other Comments" entries is believed by most scholars to be the most likely to interfere with the prospective recruit's chances of being admitted?

(a) "Besides magic, I am also an avid musician (keyboards and percussion) and reader, like to ski, play tennis and golf, and eat human flesh."

(b) "Oh yeah, believe me, I've got some 'Other Comments' alright. I'd write them here, but let's just say I want to keep my powder dry. But don't worry, my friends, no, don't you worry one bit. You won't have to wait too long to hear what I have to say; you'll be getting my 'Other Comments' as soon as the next meeting, assuming I'm accepted for membership by that time."

(c) "I use a fair amount of gasoline in my act. Is there somewhere convenient in the meeting room for me to store about a dozen five-gallon jugs?"

(d) "I just wanted to say thanks (hey thanks!) and to let you guys (and gals!) know I'm looking forward to the monthly sharing get-togethers. I've got some pretty neat ideas for singalongs (I have extra songsheets) and maybe some crafts and puppets and stuff. I wouldn't want to give it all away here, but let's just say, I hope you don't mind a pillow fight after every evening's close-up session. I'm just throwing some ideas around. I've got lots and lots of them."

(e) "This is probably the right place to mention I am an accredited Master of the Dice Bomb Arts, Summa Cum Laude, from the UMMI and currently considered the magic world's foremost authority on the dice bomb. You may have read some of my fiction, "Dice Bomb Deceptions", packed with international intrigue, unrequited love, and dice bombs or "Deiss Baum", the moving story of a young man's life in the Alps and journey from impoverished son of a dicebombiniere to international success as a competitive cheese-eater.

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MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE - Part XVI

You are scheduled to perform a close-up show for an important corporate client's year-end party. You will require the assistance of several audience members at a particularly critical point in the show and are
concerned you may experience difficulty in getting anyone to volunteer. What is your best course of action?

(a) Wait until the show. After unsuccessfully asking for audience volunteers, roughly grab someone in the first row and "make an example" of them. This will highlight to the rest of the audience that cooperation is
the safest route.

(b) As soon as you get the gig, apply for a job at the company. Do well at the interview and land a position. While hanging around the water cooler with the other staff, bring up magic and how cool it is, in particular when one gets to volunteer to assist the magician. Quit a couple of days before the show.

(c) Get one of those foam bricks. Do a few brick gags. Tell the audience you will turn your back and toss it out over your shoulder. They will, of course, assume you're tossing a foam brick over your shoulder and that the recipient will be asked to come forward to assist in the next trick. In fact, as you turn your back you switch in a real brick and toss it over your shoulder. Tell the audience you intend to continue lobbing these things until somebody comes forward.

(d) Preempt the whole problem by covertly getting the address of one the client's employees several days before the show. Over the next several nights, sit in your parked car in front of the employee's home and try to be as conspicuous and menacing as possible. If you're approached by anyone from the house, speed away with an appreciable tire squeal. At some point late one evening, call the employee's home on a cell phone and say: "If you look outside your living room window right now, you'll see me waiting for
you. And you know I've been waiting a long, long time, my friend. The time will come when I will ask for help. If you know what's good for you, you will not disappoint me." While seated in the car, hold a flashlight under your face in a Nosferatuish way so the person will recognize you at the show.

(e) Build the entire evening's performance around lengthy and convoluted dice bomb routines. This breathtaking marvel of modern science, magic's gift to mankind, is absolutely guaranteed to have everyone rushing the stage as they fight to get their own little "piece of the action".

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TOP FIVE REASONS YOU WEREN'T PAID FOR THE GIG

5. Your show, "Chainsaws 'n' Axes 'n' Guts", really had very little do with magic whatsoever.

4. Finishing off every routine muttering "God, you people are slow..." was less than polished.

3. You brought a whole new meaning to the Cups & Balls, but not one the audience was apt to appreciate.

2. The curtains, wallpaper, and living room furniture were not -- despite your insistence --, "undoubtedly manufactured by the same people who make my flash paper the way they went up so fast and all...".

...and the number one reason you weren't paid for the gig...

1. You promised "an overwhelming cornucopia o' dice bombs in all their majestic glory" guaranteed to engulf the audience in "an endlessly euphoric phantasmagoria of dice bombs in full regalia" but could not deliver due to a restraining order by PETDB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Dice Bombs).

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JD

Hot Rabbit Magic, Performance Tips, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

TOP FIVE WIDELY REJECTED MAGIC TRICKS OF 2003

5. Burn Rabbit Burn

4. Card Thru Yo' Momma

3. The Balducci Hesitation

2. Jumbo Appearing Ebola Virus

...and the number widely rejected magic trick of 2003...

1. Ha-Hasectomy

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A quick update...

I'm currently working on my upcoming TV special, "Frozen Vertigo Burial", during which I will be entombed in an ice-filled coffin atop a ten-story pole for a period of 25-30 seconds. I'm pretty sure I can get to the
30-second point having recently washed my hands with cold water in the darkened bathroom of a rooftop restaurant, effectively the bulk of my training for this stunt. At the end of this grueling half-minute, I will be gingerly brought down in a full-body safety harness attached to a military helicopter. Someone will then throw an empty cardboard box at me.

Now, you impressionable young people out there reading this, do not attempt any or all of this stunt unless you're absolutely certain your parents won't find out.

Interspersed during the whole nail-biting extravaganza will be short clips of me touring Southeast Asia and the Baltic States with a Dice Bomb. You will be witness to a bridging of the cultural gap via the repeated performance of this stunning device of enrapturing wonderment. In one particularly moving segment, a spice vendor in Kajadistan will, having just witnessed this marvel of modern science, threaten me with a pretty menacing broadsword saying "Hjiaakli! Hjiaakli! Kanajk paluu!" which loosely translates into "Take your inane Dice Bomb and get the hell out of here before I feed you to the dogs!" Pretty heady stuff, folks, be sure to tune in.

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You have been booked to perform at a wedding reception to be held in a nearby hotel. The morning of the show, the bride's father calls to inform you he's heard really bad things about both your show and you personally. What is your best course of action?

(a) Politely make an effort to understand the basis of the negative comments and then work to diffuse them through careful and sensitive reasoning.

(b) Feign having misinterpreted the contract by instead showing up at the church. Set up your equipment in full view. Go straight into your opening fire and pyrotechnics routine during the vows.

(c) Inform the bride's father that you think he got all this bad gossip from the groom and only because the groom was still embarrassed about that afternoon a couple of months ago when he and you "after winding down from a particularly sweaty round of squash" went down a previously unexplored path, "if you know what I mean".

(d) A couple of hours before the reception, sit in your car in the hotel parking lot and guzzle down enough vodka to maim a small herd of elephants. Through the resulting haze, and before you totally black out, work your way to the reception and let the chips fall where they may.

(e) Monopolize the reception by performing your full-evening, three-hour Disco Dice Bomb Fiesta Fantasia

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' INSTITUTE PERFORMANCE GUIDE

Chapter VII: Children's Shows

Many of you during your magic careers will be called upon to perform at children's birthday parties and other events where many young people are in attendance. Not without its unique challenges, the children's show can easily be successful if a few basic guidelines are followed. It goes without saying that if both the children and parents are happy, they will want you back again and again.

Here are the keys to a successful children's show:

- Arrive several hours beyond the appointed time. Kids' parties rarely run on schedule so there's no point in unduly stressing the parents by showing up when you're expected to.

- If, for some reason, you are unable to make it to the party or just don't feel like making it, be sure to contact the parents within the next three or four months to let them know you've already spent the deposit. It's a simple courtesy but reflects well on you.

- Should you be a morning drinker, try to time it so you are at your "funniest" just around show time. Zany antics are always an attention-getter.

- Children today are really plugged in, even at a very young age. Don't stoop to performing colourful, fun-filled trickery; the children find it condescending. Rather, entertain them with lengthy mentalist routines. You might want to throw in some reasonably complex mathematics magic to really get things rolling for the l'il tykes. The children's silence and fidgeting will bely their renewed sense of awe and introspection.

- Always carry a minimum 50' foot length garden hose along with your magic equipment. This length ensures your client's home will always have a handy enough water faucet to guarantee you a ready source of water during your act, be it for the Rice Bowls or just to protect your setup from curious onlookers.

- If you insist on smoking during your act, try to incorporate into it as much cigarette-based magic as humanly possible.

- Children will sometimes be boisterous during your act; they are, after all, children. If things begin to get out of hand, allow yourself to be overcome by emotion and begin tearfully blubbering to the adult hosts. If
the room is even a bit noisy, you may want to employ an intense nasal whining as you communicate your concerns to the parents. They will undoubtedly respect your artistic sensitivity and help cool things down.

- When discussing payment, double the fee to which you originally verbally agreed. Those clients who do happen to recall the original number will silently respect your unique negotiating skills and pay with enthusiasm.

- If leaving the client's home in a car, perform a couple of donuts on their front lawn as you drive off. You'll want to get the treads way down below the topsoil. The resulting "autograph" will serve not only as a souvenir of the magical event but also a "business card" of sorts as the client passes on solid word-of-mouth to inquisitive neighbours and visitors.

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JD

Flash Leather, Dice Bomb Lube, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

TOP FIVE NOT-HOT SELLERS IN 2003

5. "Not Gimmicked": Ever pull out a deck of cards, ask for a card to be selected, only to find out you've inadvertently whipped out an Invisible Deck or one of your other favourite gaffed decks, rather than the non-gimmicked deck you really wanted to use? It will never happen again, not with these handy, large-lettered Day-Glo (tm) stickers. Will affix to most standard card cases.

4. Theory Theory Theatre: A compelling work from the creative mind of Calvin Bootle, Theory Theory Theatre is a 300-page treatise not on magic theory itself but, rather, on the theory behind magic theory.

3. Flash Leather: From the people who brought you flash paper, flash string, and flash cotton.

2. Arising Food: Performer is able to accurately regurgitate a randomly selected food item from a recently visited all-you-can-eat buffet.

...and the number one not-hot seller of 2003...

1. Dice Bomb Lube: No more squeaky Dice Bombs.

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PREDICTIONS FOR MAGIC IN 2004

Siegfried and Roy will finally settle their neverending feud over Roy's long-ago decision to shave off his moustache.

Philadelphia-based amateur magician, The Great Crotchino, will, under very awkward circumstances, discover the self-help book he recently purchased, "Missed Erection", was not about improving one's magic performance technique.

Advocates from Doves Against Dove Pans (DADP) will successfully lobby the U.S. government for funds to further research into the negative health effects arising from being jammed into a confined space and set on fire.

Circle Squares will emerge as a credible threat to Square Circles.

The governing committee of the International Standards Association (ISO) will ultimately rule that "...the Magic Ding Dong may, with the expressed written permission of the ISO, be marketed under the name the Magic Sponge Dick...".

An ill-behaved brat attending a birthday party in Plainsville, Wyoming will finally acknowledge he, despite his earlier vocal pleas to the contrary, does not actually "know how it's done".

The WTO will rule against the European Union's long-standing import quota on Dice Bombs, resulting in a flood of Dice Bombs into the EU and, ultimately, futile attempts to control the resulting volatile fluctuations of the Euro.

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UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXII)

You have agreed to perform for three hours as a Magic Santa for a Christmas bash being held for a large Fortune 500 corporation. One hour into your gig, the company's employees are already over-refreshed, becoming belligerent, and much whatnot is abound. You have been subjected to unsolicited come-ons, humiliating insults, and threats of violence. What is your best course of action?

(a) Immediately drop everything and get out your Troublewit as quickly as humanly possible. It is crisis situations like this that call for your most powerful material. Keep it to five minutes or so; you don't want to overcompensate by abusing the hypnotic lull of this gem.

(b) People are people. Sometimes they blow off a little steam. There's really nothing you can do but offer a little understanding. Just try to make the best of it. Go drain your main vain in the rum punch.

(c) Drop Your Santa Pants (tm), a clever and appropriate variation on the standard Drop Your Pants (tm) technique. In almost all cases, it is equally as effective.

(d) Begin spreading some ridiculously sensational rumour about the company's CEO. The more repugnant the better. This will create a buzz at the party and distract enough of the people to give you the window you need to finish your gig. Before you leave, you can let everyone know it was you who started the whole thing given professional exigencies.

(e) Although explicitly forbidden by the terms of your contract, threaten that unless everyone settles down you are going to boogie your way into "Dice Bomb Disco & Dazzle", your proprietary 15-minute Dice Bomb and disco fusion piece. This one is failsafe.

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JD

Driving Magic, Magic Putdowns, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-17T08:24:00.000-05:00

UNLEASHING THE MOMENT WHILE DRIVING

Like many of you, I drive to work every day (I need not point out this also involves driving home every day).

Although playing the radio or a CD is an always pleasant companion on the journey (despite living in Montreal, I often find myself listening to NPR and consider myself over-informed regarding the goings-on in lovely Vermont), sometimes one needs a more pronounced level of stimulus during that daily ride. In that vein, I would like to suggest the following ideas for unleashing the moment while driving.

> When stopped at a red light, wait for the person next to you to, as they invariably do, casually glance towards your vehicle. As soon as this happens, begin slowly reversing your vehicle. From their perspective, they will, at least for a couple of seconds, think it is in fact their car that is rolling forward and that they are progressively rolling out into traffic. To hammer home the effect, start blowing your horn and gesture in fashion to suggest you believe they are in imminent danger.

> Put a pillow behind your head and wear a blanket while driving. At red lights, pretend to be asleep.

> Should you be wearing a tie, let it hang out the window. When you're stopped at a red light and in the line of sight of the person in the car next two, close the power windows so that the tie gets caught up at the top of the window. Feign strangling.

> As you're approaching a red light, release the locking mechanism so that your seat folds all the way back down and lie back. Let your vehicle continue rolling and begin gently braking, eventually stopping. The person stopped next to you should see an empty vehicle pulling up.

> Set up a fake steering wheel in the back seat so that the person "steering" is facing out the back window. Have your friend sit back there "driving" while you drive in reverse. Don't forget your right turn signal is now his left.

> Also good whoppin' fun at a red light...before leaving home, goop a generous spot of white toothpaste on the driver's door just below the window so it appears one of mother nature's flying creatures has showered you with a gift. When stopped at a light and the person in the vehicle next to you is invariably looking in your general direction, look at the goop, look up as if searching for the guilty bird, casually scoop up an ample bit of the toothpaste with your finger, stare at it with almost scientific curiosity, then take a good healthy taste. Be sure to get all of it. It helps if you then give it that wine-tasting, slosh-around effect.

> Stop your car by the side of the highway. Get out and hold a very large blow dryer facing towards oncoming traffic. Have a clipboard in the other hand. Watch them brake, baby.

> Go through the McDonald's drive-thru in reverse.

> When with friends, insist on entering and exiting your vehicle via the sun roof.

> Leave your keys in the ignition and have all the vehicle's windows open with the exception of the driver's window. Feign trying to open your driver's door with a coat hanger. Should anyone approach to tell you the other windows are open, use that mime technique to show they are still "closed". Then call the person an idiot.

--

TOP FIVE MAGIC PUTDOWNS

5. You dini!

4. Chung ling you!

3. Palm this!

2. You son of a Gallo Pitch!

...and the number one magic putdown...

1. Acrapacadabra!

--

What compelled someone to get to the point of inventing eggnog?

Why do people spray fake snow on the inside of windows?

Canned cranberries...why are they here and what do they want?

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXVII)

Christmas themed magic is popular with audiences this time of year. What do scholars generally is the most exciting piece of magic of this genre to emerge?

(a) De-Multiplying Snowballs: A playful reversal on the Multiplying Balls theme, the performer magically causes four snowballs to progressively vanish under the dangerously hot stage lights of a frighteningly
overcrowded theatre with a faulty thermostat which reads 70 when the furnace is really churning out 95 degrees of hellishly hot air.

(b) The Mysterious Waters Of Wintry Delight: A bonus add-on routine to the De-Multiplying Balls, the performer simultaneously produces meaningful quantities of water, enough to fill a good-sized glass pitcher. A total mystery. Performed in tandem, these two routines are veritable reputation-makers.

(c) Egg-Nog!: With sleeves rolled up and having shown both hands empty, performer picks up an egg from table and seamlessly and without cover successfully nogs it. Comes complete with everything including silk-screened trenger, woilming (both 2" and 4"), and that special something. Immediate reset.

(d) Know "L": Audience volunteer comes forward with a wrapped present that was purchased for office gift exchange. Blindfolded performer places hand on wrapped gift and accurately predicts degree to which gift's deeply disappointed recipient will feign delight at having received it.

(e) Santa's Claws: Performer claims Santa fell out of his sleigh while travelling over a forest one night and was found frozen solid the next morning by a couple of hunters. As he was too heavy to carry, what with
that belly like a bowl full of jelly and all, the hunters brought only his hands to the local police station so his prints could be verified for the proper issuance of a death certificate. These hands, severely gnarled by
frostbite, are now in the performer's possession. Placed on a table, the hands magically tap out an audience volunteer's secret, preselected number.

--

JD

A Boozo Ripoff, High School Magic, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-16T08:44:00.000-05:00

Been on the road a bit much lately...will try to catch up...

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXII)

You have just received a very expensive new routine in the mail from Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown Enterprises. Upon opening the box to unveil this purported reputation-maker that is based on some earth-shattering new principle of deception, you find a dried carrot, en empty milk carton, and instructions that simply appear to be random scribblings done with lipstick on a used paper towel. What is your best course of action?

(a) Accept the fact that an earth-shattering new principle of deception may require you spend time in deep study. Lock yourself in a room with the carrot, carton, and "instructions" and don't come out until you've achieved something miraculous.

(b) Buy a plane ticket to the city on the return address. From the airport, head straight to the Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown Enterprises offices. Upon arriving at the address, you'll note it is actually not an office but
rather a private residence, and not Boozo's, either. Sneak into the back yard and head straight for the pool cabana. In there, you should find empty gin bottles, a big bag of carrots, some milk crates, paper towels, and used lipstick, but no Boozo. Sometimes life is unfair.

(c) Drop your pants. Again, you will only truly understand the effectiveness of this once you are willing to try.

(d) Log onto any magic website and start a thread about David Blaine; pick any topic, just be sure to mention his name. The ensuing carnage should provide a meaningful distraction from the fact you've just been taken to the cleaners.

(e) If you are incapable of realizing what a stunning treasure trove of magical knowledge with which you have been entrusted, then perhaps it is time for you to move on. We have little time for dilettantes who have nothing better to do than ask too many questions. Got it?

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR PASS NEEDS WORK

5. During a pass-heavy routine, you find your rehearsed patter is peppered with a series of unplanned 'for f***'s sake!'s.

4. In the moments leading up to the pass, you consistently lose control of your bladder.

3. You have found the only steadfastly effective misdirection while performing the pass is to simultaneously perform a back-flip while letting out a blood-curdling scream.

2. You use a pass.

...and the number one sign your pass needs work...

1. Although the spectator is completely uninitiated with magic technique or any of its terminology whatsoever, they stop you after you perform the pass and ask, "What was that, some sort of pass-type move or something?"

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XVI)

Many magicians first get the magic bug during their early adolescence and the onslaught of puberty, what will all its meaningful physical changes and other awakenings. An important element of this development is the complex social interaction which transpires in high school. In this context, and with back-to-school just around the corner, what do scholars generally agree is the most compelling school-themed magic trick of all time?

(a) Pom-Pom Putdown: Spectator selects card, memorizes it, and returns it to shuffled deck. Performer appears unable to reveal selection. Next day at school, spectator approaches the school's head cheerleader and awkwardly stumbles through an invitation to go to this Friday's dance. Upon head cheerleader answering "Moi? Be seen with a little worm like you? Are you out of your mind?", spectator's face develops a series of stunning crimson blotches which reveal the identity of the selection. A reputation-maker.

(b) Pro-Ject: Spectator is given eight weeks to complete a project for history class. With a snap of his fingers, performer sends spectator seven weeks and six days into the future whereupon spectator notices they have not yet even started project. Spectator pulls all-nighter, hands in project next day, and receives a "by the skin of their teeth" passing grade. Comes complete with everything you need, including that special something.

(c) Substitution Locker: Spectator is forced into gym locker by several members of the football team. Spectator's chess club buddy quickly comes to his defense. One member of football team drapes his football jersey over the buddy who, in a flash, changes places with spectator. For the finale, spectator is now forced into another locker until gym class is over. Plays big, packs small...real small.

(d) Laugh-A-Teria: A magic comedy routine wherein a spectator lends their watch to performer, the performer accidentally "destroys" it, and the fully restored watch is revealed to have been magically transported to the cafeteria's vat of instant mashed potatoes, nestled among the nail clippings, cigarette butts, and the "chef's" bodily fluids. Manuscript only.

(e) DEF!: Spectator is handed three envelopes and a tastefully designed small wooden box. Spectator selects one of the envelopes and is then requested to open the box. Inside the box is Road Rager (tm) for the PlayStation 2 (tm). Spectator spends night engrossed in the game and neglects to study for the next day's math exam. After exam is graded, spectator opens envelop, removes the small card, and notes the letter on the card matches the grade received. Comes complete with game cartridge, handcrafted wooden box, envelopes, and three cards marked "D", "E", and "F", respectively.

--

JD

Squeakers, Da Pope, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-11T09:02:00.000-05:00

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T OWN A "SQUEAKER"

5. Getting everyone to break out in laughter during your mom's funeral service was probably not the best use of your time.

4. No, it is not a "sure-fire babe-magnet!"

3. "Pardon me Your Holiness, but are you flatulent?" is not the type of thing one asks during a walkaround performance at a Vatican dinner reception.

2. As you look back over your illustrious magic career, you identify the addition of the squeaker as your "big turning point".

...and the number one sign you really shouldn't own a squeaker...

1. You sincerely believe it will give you the edge you'll need to finally include the Chinese Water Torture Cell in your act.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXI)

Kreskin is widely considered one of the modern era's more popular practitioners of the paranormal arts. Name one of his significantly less known contemporaries and the generally agreed upon reason this performer failed to achieve anything even remotely approaching Kreskin's success.

(a) Hypnoman: John MacIntosh, aka Hypnoman, was a rising star on the hypnosis mind-control circuit. Although considered novel at first, his insistence on wearing glittery hip boots and a caped uniform increasingly conflicted with his desire to be taken as a serious performer. Tragically, MacIntosh was fatally injured during a botched attempt to stop an oncoming subway armed only with the power of his mind.

(b) Botkrak: Claiming to be able to determine someone's future by "feeling" the subtle nuances inherent to the human behind, Botkrak was eventually found out for the perv that he was.

(c) Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown: It is a little known fact Boozo (prior to becoming a deeply cynical and dejected washed-up alcoholic performer choking on the pathetic bitterness of his meaningless existence who somehow still manages to get well-paying gigs) was a very successful master of telekinesis. It was the unfortunate summer of '73 when Boozo, recklessly agreeing to demonstrate his telekinetic powers at a nude beach charity function, experienced several traumatic mishaps. He would later precipitously spiral into an uncontrolled seventeen-year orgy of liquor, smack, and canteloupe.

(d) Kreskini: Hoping to capitalize on the subtle confusion created by his stage name, Kreskini was eventually found out and ostracized by the magic community at large. Rumours suggest he was done in by his exquisite tailoring and tasteful haircut.

(e) Fire Stone: Although once a very popular up-and-coming psychic, Stone quickly destroyed his reputation through a series of ill-timed blow-ups during a string of particularly bad performances.

--

Is it a coincidence Max Maven rhymes with Tax Haven?

Just wonderin' if maybe he knows something we don't.

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR INTEREST IN MAGIC IS WANING

5. You're reading this.

4. When approached by an attractive member of the opposite sex and asked to perform a trick, you tell them to go fuck themselves.

3. Upon witnessing the miraculous and genuine apparition of Harry Houdini's ghostly spirit during a Halloween seance, the best question you can come up with is "Guess you were wrong, eh Har?"

2. Armed with your business cards and a little liquid paper, you opt to become a macian.

...and the number one sign your interest in magic is waning...

1. Within five minutes of leaving the magic shop, you've pretty much used up that gross of flash paper you bought for "shits 'n' giggles."

--

JD

Birthday Party Magic, Hot New Offer, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-10T11:01:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part VI)

A magician friend of yours called you to let you know he wouldn't be able to do a birthday party that weekend; you generously agreed to replace him. Halfway through your performance at the party, the parents of the birthday kid inform you your show is totally inadequate and pales in comparison to the "guy they were supposed to have". What is your best course of action?

(a) Apologize for your inadequacy and offer not only to finish the show for free but also to clean up the house and water all the plants afterwards.

(b) Explain you were going to do your "good" show but were afraid the material might be a little hard for the kids to follow since most of them seemed a little "off...if you know what I mean".

(c) Tell the parents you are in fact the other guy but just haven't been the same since that "bad experience with the tainted Velveeta (tm)".

(d) Quickly put dad in a wrestling hold and threaten to make him "blubber like a frightened little flower in front of the kids" unless he backs off.

(e) Say nothing. Go upstairs and lock yourself in one of the bathrooms. Run the water in the bathtub. After a while, stop making any perceptible noise. That'll show 'em.

--

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--

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

The physical restraint manufacturers admit they are helpless in dealing with the growing number of escape artists who are going insane.

There is no truth to the story Lance Burton's 13-year, US$100 million dollar deal with the Monte Carlo Resort & Casino came about after he turned down a 6-year, US$30 million dollar offer from the Lakers.

John Wayne Bobbitt might have fared better had he been wearing his Chop Cup.

Apparently, someone in Dallas, Texas bought a Troublewit last year.

In his new book, "Magic Over The Telephone", magician Tom Milan loses significant credibility in the section on vanishes.

Only magicians appreciate that a "ball and tube", when combined, can produce a "mystery".

Card manipulation is just fine and dandy, as long as you're not a card. Otherwise, you just end up feeling used.

Although I am unlikely to perform Copperfield's Tornado Of Fire, I am willing to consider Tornado Of Skanky Broads.

The Realistic Wilting Rose is a big improvement on the Unrealistic Wilting Rose.

If you stubbornly wait for a magic dealer to show you a mechanical card device at arm's length, you are likely holding out for a hold-out to be held out.

Card Through Window is always best performed using magic techniques.

...and...

Stop the presses: The Dice Bomb can also be used to produce a colour change.

--

JD

Bootleggin' Magic, The Blue One, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-09T09:19:00.000-05:00

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE LEARNING THAT HOT NEW ROUTINE

5. You died several months ago.

4. If only you could stop obsessing over your new Dice Bomb and just focus.

3. Your photocopy of the book is of poor quality and the bootleg video is no better.

2. The performance rights section ends with "...and don't forget: we know where you live."

...and the number one reason you're having trouble learning that hot new routine...

1. You've just learned that Joanie may not, in fact, love Chachi.

--

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

Although Harry Houdini was considered an accomplished escape artist, none of his artwork actually depicted any escape themes although there reportedly exists a charcoal of a beautiful landscape with a prison in the background. Silly historians.

In a recent survey conducted on the Chinese mainland, a majority of citizens agreed their snowstorms usually came in the form of snow.

When in doubt, always go with the blue one.

Not only did hockey great Maurice Richard not own any magic books or tricks, he did not, to anyone's knowledge, have any specific interest in the subject.

Most scholars will tell you you're better off performing Sword Thru Neck with specially constructed magic equipment.

Announcing you're about to perform the Sucker Die Box might be construed by some audience members as condescending. Try going with something like the Whacky Nutfucked Die Box.

One night, famed coin manipulator T. Nelson Downs woke up in a cold sweat and yelled "Mr. Barbeau, you are a schadenfoof!" He had had more than his fair share of shepherd's pie that evening, if you know what I mean.

There is no truth to the rumour Kellar told Thurston he didn't accept Mastercard.

Show me a grandmother with a hunger for vengeance and I'll show you some crocheted balls.

...and...

If you shut down the photo studio run by Sven Klausupp that does intimate portraits of sleight-of-hand performers in action, you'd close up Klausupp's close-up close-up place.

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR STAGE ASSISTANT MAY NOT BE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB

5. Unlike what they've led you to believe, you soon discover "mindless twit" is not a compliment.

4. They complain the strapless gown is too revealing. Some guys will do anything to avoid work.

3. During the intermission, they are seen selling tickets to some "...Finally Revealed"-type thingy.

2. They want top billing.

...and the number one reason your stage assistant may not be the right person for the job...

1. You are no longer capable of consoling them in their fears that "...it just isn't right to deceive paying customers night after night..."

--

JD

Kraft Dinner Magic, Frozen Magic, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-08T09:53:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXVIII)

Throughout the centuries, magic and mutilation have shared a special relationship. To this day, classics like Sawing A Lady In Half and the Zig Zag Illusion are mainstays for the stage illusionist. Parlour magicians can both shock and mystify their audiences with the French Arm Chopper. The close-up performer shares the surprise of the Needle Thru Arm. The process of developing these effects is, however, challenging, painstaking, and often rife with danger. What do scholars generally agree was perhaps the most ill-conceived and ultimately contentious piece of performance magic to ever emerge in this genre?

(a) Blendo Stupendo: In last month's issue of Magilicious, trick reviewer George Goreman described Blendo Stupendo as "...the demented machination of nothing less than magic's most horrendous and despicable sociopath...". Yowza! Does it get any better?! This reputation-maker takes the classic Blendo routine to a new level. Performer puts three silks of different colour into a standard food blender. The blender is turned on, the implication being the silks will mix to create a large multi-coloured silk. The blender is turned off and performer reaches in to remove the "blended" silk. All of a sudden, the blender accidentally turns back on. Performer lets out blood-curdling scream and begins violently shaking as hand and arm are spasmodically ground by whirring blades. Magician removes what's left of arm from blender and reaching into the bloodied stump produces the large multi-coloured silk. But wait, that's not all. From within folds of silk, magician produces a beautiful dove, although one with a missing wing. Much laughter ensues. Magician passes out and audience is asked to leave.

(b) The Locomotive Catch Trick: Similar to the infamous Bullet Catch Trick, the Locomotive Catch Trick is performed on any random section of railway. The performer states they will, unaided by any special equipment, trap the 9:15 to Chippawa in their teeth and spit it out on a plate for verification by a select group of volunteering spectators. Although this controversial piece of performance magic has never successfully been performed, it does sound kinda neat-o.

(c) X-Plode: Spectator selects card, memorizes it and returns it to deck. Spectator then shuffles cards. Performer appears unable to find selection. In frustration, performer whisks open jacket revealing 200 lbs. of highly experimental, albeit alarmingly powerful explosives taped to their body. Performer threatens to "destroy everything within a two-kilometre radius if their demands are not met". Spectator reminds performer that this is just a show, that performer should calm down, and that all they have to do is find the selected card. Increasingly agitated, performer begins screaming some lunatic gibberish. Spectator lunges for detonator but is unfortunately not fast enough. Everything within two-kilometre radius is vapourized WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE SELECTED CARD.

(d) Needle Thru Testicle: Plays big, packs small, screams loud.

(e) Mystical Pizza: Performer is hauled off against their will to meat-packing plant. Performer then emerges as low-end, commercial grade pepperoni. Pizza is prepared by sweaty, minimum-wage pizza maker and is
served up at luncheon attended by members of the International Dice Bomb Huggers Association (IDBHA).

--

[written the day following Blaine's "Frozen In Time" TV special]

TOP FIVE ENDURANCE STUNTS I'D PERFORM IF I HAD ANY KNACK FOR SUCCESSFUL SELF-PROMOTION

5. "Frozen In Tri-Binate-Methyladanate-UX34-Nobidium": Performer spends 60+ hours suspended in a vat of that frightening orange powder included in every box of Kraft Dinner.

4. "Frozen In Thyme": A more endurable version of Blaine's stunt guaranteed to confuse at least some part of the populace into tuning in.

3. "Frozen In A Canadian Winter": Actually do this every year but the press doesn't seem terribly enthralled by my heroic efforts.

2. "Frozen To Some Big Mofo's Insanely Huge Ass": Unfortunately, for some out there, this may not be viewed as unpleasant.

...and the number one endurance stunt I'd perform if I had any knack for successful self-promotion...

1. "Frozen In Bed With Some Cozy Blankets, A Few Good Books, And A Tasty Cup O' Cocoa": This has moving bravery written all over it.

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS MAGIC IS DESTINED FOR GREAT THINGS IN 2004

5. An increasing number of magic competitions committing to more stringent and aggressive testing for performance-enhancing substances.

4. JD continues to postpone his world tour: "Ramblings 2004: Magic, Music, Mirth, & Intestines"

3. More performers in powder blue tuxedoes; it's time we look professional again.

2. Encouragingly low global inflation statistics suggest prices at the magic shop probably won't move up very meaningfully this year...ahem...cough, cough...mmmph ... mmmmmmmph ... mmmmmMMHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOOHOOHOOOHOOOOOOO ...hahahahahaha...hee hee hee...sniff, sniff...whew.

...and the number one sign magic is destined for great things in 2004...

1. Already 3 months into the new year and no sign of "Dice Bomb II: A Rebirth"

--

JD

Magic World Predictions, Uri Geller, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

Time to look back at my 2003 WORLD OF MAGIC PREDICTIONS and see how I fared:

Prediction: In an effort to keep taking things to the next level, David Copperfield's new illusion premise will be Multiplying Earths.

Reality: Well I blew this one good. David Copperfield surprised us all with his "Milky Way Mayhem: Pluto & Jupiter Collide" TV special.

-

Prediction: A renegade team of Dice Bomb Liberation Front (DBLF) paratroopers will commandeer some bumper cars in Disneyland, demanding the release of all Dice Bomb political prisoners being held by the federal government.

Reality: Close. Some deranged inmate escaped from PrisonDisney (tm), Disney's theme park / penitentiary, got hold of a couple of black-market Dice Bombs, and tossed them at some kindly old ladies.

-

Prediction: An oil price shock will be triggered by Tenyo's insatiable appetite for injection moulding.

Reality: Way off. Tenyo went green and now produces with 100% hemp.

-

Prediction: Orgasmo The Great will finally understand why his introduction is always met by audience giggles.

Reality: I was bang on. On a side note, he's a little mystified at the reaction to his new name, Penizio The Scrotumtastic.

-

Prediction: The US Playing Card Co. will fess up on this Hollywood control thingy.

Reality: Way wrong. Not only did it not fess up, it took a contract out on me. Suddenly, "Cards As Weapons" is not a book I like.

-

Prediction: FOX will air a "Really Really Difficult Sleight Of Hand Techniques Finally Revealed, Not That Any Of You Can Ever Hope To Do Them Since It Is More Of A Knack Thing" TV special.

Reality: Pretty close. FOX aired "Sleight Of Hand Techniques That Look Pretty Cool In Writing But No One Will Ever Bother To Learn Finally Revealed".

-

Prediction: Siegfried & Roy will become Siegfried, Roy, Ernie, & Bert.

Reality. Bang on, but with a caveat. Ernie & Bert did finally partner up with the legendary illusionist duo, but Ernie pulled a power move (some think triggered by his coke-fueled megalomaniac ambitions) that resulted in the troupe being renamed Ernie, Siegfried, Roy, & Pointyhead.

-

Prediction: Uri Geller will finally admit to using subterfuge and, through the gracious stringpulling of James Randi, will end up headlining his very own glittery revue at the Bellagio.

Reality: Bad call. Turned out Uri Geller actually had amazingly powerful psychic powers and he now rules over most of the planet and the immediate universe, not to mention he collected Randi's challenge money.

-

Prediction: Simon Lovell will phone me and tell me it's OK, I'm not a loser if I cannot second deal, although at the same time admitting to me the whole loser thing was a close call.

Reality: This one is unclear. Lovell didn't phone me up, but I know he thinks I'm a loser.

-

Prediction: Hippity Hop Dildoes will emerge as the most popular parlour effect since the 1992 introduction of Card In Hemorrhage.

Reality: Wrong. Potential buyers did not like the fact that "Batteries Are Not Included".

...and...

Prediction: Global world peace will finally take hold only to be scuttled by some nasty David Blaine argument on MT that grows way out of proportion.

Reality: Somewhat hazy, if not ironic. David Blaine is now heading up the special UN delegation negotiating the peace treaty between the Zorganians and Uri Geller.

--

TOP FIVE MAGIC CHRISTMAS GIFTS I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT

5. Magic Baby Steps: A Pre-Beginner's Primer on the Rudimentary Introduction to Elemental Magic's Most Fundamental Basics.

4. The Dice Bomb Encyclopaedia: A Fascinating 850-Page Compendium of This Little Miracle's Beginnings, Evolution, & Current Place Among The Elite of Magical Phenomena.

3. The Wonderment Wand: Not Just A Wand, But Fifteen Handy Tools in One.

2. Jumpin' Johnny Jiminy's 500-Gallon Tub O' Wax: Never, Ever, Never, Ever, Ever, Never Run Out of Wax Again, OK? Never, Ever, Never.

...and the number one magic Christmas gift I could have done without...

1. Visible Thread

-

JD

Trailer Park Magic, Greatest Conventions, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-02T09:59:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXXI)

Conventions continue to be the most meaningfully anticipated events for amateur and professional magicians alike. Over the years, countless stories involving special convention moments or people have been recounted, many of them considered watershed events in magic's colourful history. What do scholars generally agree is the most memorable from among these wonderful anecdotes?

(a) Billy Bob's Boston Brouhaha (1972): The year 1972 would represent legendary Boston magic dealer Billy Bob O'Grady's last Brouhaha, this after 27 successful annual conventions. So important a moment it was, most of Billy Bob's extended family attended the three-day convention. Wanting to make the event special, in particular because Billy Bob was hotly despised with such a deep loathing that simple words cannot capture the venomous hatred that characterized his every relationship, several of Billy Bob's old comrades decided to surprise Billy Bob in the parking lot after the Friday night close-up competition. Hoo-boy, let me tell you, it was not pretty. No sirreeee.

(b) Chicago Chicaneries (1966): The 1966 edition of the Chicago Chicaneries, the only edition of this short-lived gathering of magic, was memorable for the fact that no one attended; no sponsors, no performers, no lecturers, no spectators, nobody...nada. No hall was booked, no tickets sold, no programs printed, nothing...nothing at all. This may be, in fact, the only time this convention has ever been mentioned. Ask anyone in Chicago if they have ever heard of it and they'll deny it; they would, wouldn't they? Typical.

(c) Magilicious 1991 (1993): Magilicious, the convention that promised to "...make the magic so delicious, it is magilicious...", took an interesting turn during its 1993 run. The story is told that famed sleight-of-hand expert, Hans Fasderdandeii, was demonstrating some innovative, "underground" moves during a late-night breakout session. So innovative and breathtaking were his new sleights, the next morning several federal agents were waiting for Fasderdandeii in the close-up room. Upon his arrival, he was roughed up, cuffed, and taken away. Fasderdandeii was ever heard from again. I guess the message here is it's ok to be good, but not too good.

(d) The Everest Enclave (1992): This ill-conceived magic convention was held on the peak of Mount Everest in 1992. Although most attendees successfully clambered to the top of this imposing mountain, severe weather conditions disrupted the sound system during the stage competition and many went home feeling somewhat disappointed.

(e) DiceBombFest (1977): Held annually in Lausanne, Switzerland, DiceBombFest is not so much a magic convention but more of a deeply moving three-day ceremony of reverence and veneration for all things Dice Bomb. In 1977, several non-believers infiltrated the well-guarded compound of Dicebombinus, leader of the right-wing DiceBombers sect and host of DiceBombFest, and attempted to hand out pamphlets warning of the dangers of lengthy exposure to this marvel of modern science. The non-believers were set upon by the crowd and subjected to a nasty Dicebombing. Some of the few lucky ones who escaped the carnage noted having heard Dicebombinus proclaim: "Let he who has not triple-undercutted cast the first Dice Bomb..."

--

MORE LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

If you find it difficult to use the ITR given the invisibility, the generous use of fluorescent ribbons is a surprisingly effective guide.

Siegfried & Roy were originally Siegfried, Roy, & Schultz until the "incident".

Double lifts are infinitely more convincing when both cards are held in the same hand.

Some magicians deal with their stage fright by downing enormous quantities of alcoholic beverages before the show. The ones who are actually performing in the show drink even more.

Although P.T. Selbit came up with his name by reversing Tibbles, his actual name, there is no truth to the rumour Doug Henning came up with his name by reversing Gninneh.

Storing an appearing cane in your pocket will lead to either (a) a modest injury; or, (b) a phone number.

When magic shop owners tell you "it's on back order", what they really mean is "we weren't going to bother stocking this loser until you came along".

There are plenty of practical solutions for performers plagued with sweaty palms, we just aren't familiar with any of them.

...and...

When pleasantly asked "How did you do that?" by a well-intentioned spectator, the performer's best course of action is to respond with "Get out of my face you little worm." This not only conveys your respect for magic's golden rule, it also ensures the jackass gets out of your goddam face.

--

TOP FIVE THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN DEALING WITH STAGE FRIGHT

5. Sometimes when the crowd sounds like it's saying "Booooooooooo...", it's really saying "Youuuuuuuuuuuu..." as in "Youuuuuuuuuuuuuu are the best.". So don't sweat it.

4. Have one hand on your pants zipper at all times; you never know what might happen and you want to be ready to invoke the DTP (tm) technique.

3. It's O.K. if you mess up one trick. No one will remember.

2. No, number three is not true. Everyone will remember. If you mess up even one trick, you're pretty much finished...and that means forever, man.

...and the number one thing to remember when dealing with stage fright...

1. If you must imagine the audience is naked in order to deal with your stage fright, avoid performing in trailer parks.

--

JD

Little Known Facts From The World Of Magic, Beatles Magic, & Other Ramblings

2004-03-01T08:56:00.000-05:00

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC

Did you know...

David Copperfield only went with that name after experiencing difficulties fitting A Tale Of Two Cities on his driver's license.

When magic dealers say they no longer have an item in stock, they actually do; it's just they don't like your face, man.

The Chicago police force's SWAT team was recently outfitted with Dice Bombs in lieu of pepper spray.

T. Nelson Downs was the King of Koins. Although many remain unsure what a koin is (koin is similar to the old English term koen which is a type of wheelbarrow, but it is unlikely he was the wheelbarrow king) some scholars believe koin is actually a play on the word coin. This makes sense since Downs was considered one of magic's formidable coin experts.

Harry Houdini was not his original name; it was, in fact, Ehrich Houdini.

The Crystal Silk Cylinder is not made with crystal but, rather, some fascinating space-age material.

The Invisible Deck is, in fact, visible, although no one is entirely certain what happens when their back is turned.

A recent worldwide survey of torturers revealed none of them is familiar with the Chinese Water Torture Cell. When you think about it, padlocking someone face down in a box full of water isn't torture, it's more of a drowning thing. Perhaps it should be called the Chinese Water Drowning Cell.

The Double Lift was originally entitled the 50-Card Undercut.

Ringo Starr couldn't second deal if his life depended on it.

Although Robert Houdin has long been considered the "Father of Modern Magic", recent DNA testing reveals that Modern (who would later go by the nickname Mo) may, in fact, have been fathered by someone else. It is for this reason Mo Magic was eventually considered the First Bastard of Magic.

This blog is actually a daily compilation of secret coded messages to alien invaders on the planet Zetar in the Pyrithian galaxy. You accidentally stumbled upon it and were, until now, completely unaware of its real purpose. Creepy, no?

Columbus used a gyroscope to discover America. NASA used a gyroscope to put a man on the moon. P.T.Selbit used one to build the Mighty Cheese.

Manipulating sponge balls can be very agonizing for the sponge. We recommend going with synthetics.

Doug Henning went with his famous "NOW!" magical incantation only after finding that "WHEN!" was far too ambiguous.

If the playing card cartel were to decide one day to make playing cards triangular rather than their current shape, virtually 75% of card sleights would become obsolete. The chance this could happen is a pretty compelling reason to stop practising.

Lance Burton has a really cool first name: Lance. I mean, who would mess with someone named Lance?

When David Copperfield vanished the Statue of Liberty, a "little piece of America" vanished as well. Good thing he brought it back.

Table-hopping is a useful restaurant performance technique only, and only if one understands exactly what is meant by table-hopping. Otherwise it is just embarrassing.

The Thomas Meier who won the 1997 FISM close-up contest at age 19 is not the same Thomas Meier with whom I went to high school, he just goes by the same name.

An extensive 1997 survey of households in China revealed none of them owned a set of Linking Rings leading to speculation the whole "Chinese" Linking Rings thing is merely a marketing ploy.

It may be no simple coincidence the word "bomb" appears in Dice Bomb.

...and...

According to the Office of Statistics and Programming, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, just over 11 out of every 100,000 Americans screwed up the infamous Bullet Catch Trick in 2003.

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TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR HOME'S HALLOWEEN DISPLAY MIGHT TRIGGER CONTROVERSY

5. The far, far, far, far too extensive use of blowtorches, gasoline-soaked rags, and gunpowder for that "Hellfire" effect.

4. Your display is of unparalleled quality with authentic-looking gravestones and realistic-looking corpses. Unfortunately, not only is the local paper running a story reporting an overnight break-in and theft at
the local cemetery, your mental blackouts are lasting longer and are increasingly exhausting.

3. You consider nudity frightening and are going to great lengths to demonstrate why.

2. You cancelled your garbage removal service six months ago in order to achieve "the right effect".

...and the number one sign your home's Halloween display might trigger controversy...

1. You're one of those people with a bale of hay, a basket of apples, and a happy-looking scarecrow.

[OK, I admit it, you'll only trigger a controversy with me on that last one. If you promise to make your display a little scarier, I won't send you a bubble machine.]

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXVII)

Some magicians believe magic effects should always be quick and straight to the point. Another school of thought says it is good to occasionally work in an effect that is more involved, with added steps, and other structural whatnot. Unfortunately, this performance style is sometimes taken to extremes. Although the jury is out, what do scholars generally agree is the most tedious piece of magic ever to emerge on the professional scene?

(a) Decked Out: Spectator selects card, commits it to memory, and shuffles it back into deck. Performer takes deck and executes a rapid series of flourishes and cuts. Performer then slowly and deliberately deals out ten five-card poker hands leaving two remaining cards which are tabled face up; we'll call them Card 1 and Card 2. The poker hands are turned over in sequence; each subsequent hand beats the previous one shown, and this is repeated all the way to the tenth hand. But wait, that's not all. The spectator is then asked to add up the values of the cards in each hand, calculate the product of these resulting ten numbers, and then determine the most proximate prime number. This prime number is then multiplied by the value of the second differential of a previously selected algebraic function and taken to the power of the product of Card 1 and Card 2. At this point, the significant information overload typically causes the spectator to begin bleeding from the ears and eyes. The performer hands them a white handkerchief to sop up the pouring blood. The handkerchief is handed back, opened, and the blood has formed a pattern. It is the selected card.

(b) Me-Time-Morphosis: Similar to the standard sub trunk stage illusion, Me-Time-Morphosis is designed to fool even the greatest of sceptics. On stage is a pile of lumber, a table saw, boxes of nails, several hammers, hinges and latches, some chains and padlocks, and a glittery sub trunk curtain. Several volunteering spectators are invited to come up on stage. Once there, the spectators are instructed to construct, from scratch, a trunk that will hold the magician. In order to make the process as efficient as possible, the spectators are given blueprints. While the trunk is being constructed, some very dramatic background music plays to create the necessary level of suspense. Once constructed, the performer goes straight into the sub trunk routine. You can fill an entire, two-hour evening show with this one illusion, depending, of course, on the carpentry skills of your volunteers. Trust us: those spectators who bother sticking around to the end, and we believe some possibly may, will be completely baffled.

(c) Knock 'Em Dead Book Test: For those mentalists who wish, in no uncertain terms, to illustrate their mentalism talents, one need look no further than the Knock 'Em Dead Book Test. A spectator randomly selects a book. The performer asks the spectator to go to page one and, without any fudge-o moves whatsoever, proceeds to mentally read off the first sentence of the book. But wait, that's not all. In order to prove that the performer has not just memorized the first sentence of each book , the performer proceeds to read a few more sentences. But wait, that's not all. To emphasize the fairness of the whole thing, the performer continues to finish off the first page and works all the way to the end of the chapter. But wait, that's not all. To really bring it home, the performer proceeds to mentally read the entire book, that's right, the entire thing from cover to cover. A fascinating combination of powerful mentalism and long-winded storytelling.

(d) Dice Bomb Dreams: From the creative mind of magic's own Jeff Zestyitaliansaladdressing, Dice Bomb Dreams is an incredible journey into the Dice Bomb Parallel Universe, one where everyone and everything is Dice Bomb. Although the effect itself defies description, last month's issue of Dice Bomb Aficionado described Dice Bomb Dreams as "...a veritable festival o' things Dice Bomb..." In contrast, this month's Magicality commented that Dice Bomb Dreams was "...a hellish nightmare destined to trigger a nuclear holocaust of apocalyptic proportions..." We'll let you decide for yourself.

--

JD

So far, so good...

2004-02-18T11:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Ramblings readers...I will be on the road for the next week and a half, both for work and a small wedge of R&R. As a result, JD's Ramblings will not be updated with any material until Monday, March 1st. Stay healthy, stay tuned.

Most of all...stay away from all things Dice Bomb.

JD

Cemetery Magic, Nuclear Magic, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

Ed's note: This Ramblings was compiled from a couple of Ramblings originally posted in June, 2001. If you have a copy of the originals, you will notice two significant changes have been made. You will also know why they were made. What you nor I will never really know is the source of the bizarre prescience.

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE

Mentalism, in all its various forms, represents an interesting branch of magic. Focusing less on traditional pursuits like sleight-of-hand, and more on psychology and a deep understanding of human nature, the field of mentalism is one of mesmerizing wonderment. What do scholars generally agree is one of the most powerful commercially available mentalism routines in existence today?

(a) Psi-Anide: A compelling routine wherein the mentalist attempts to determine who, from among a group of volunteering spectators poised to ingest ludicrous quantities of cyanide, will die first.

(b) Inti-Mind-Ation: Performer writes a prediction on a chalkboard which faces away from audience. A spectator comes forward and is strapped into a chair with nylon restraints. The spectator is then asked to name any number that comes to mind. The spectator is then asked to name another number, but this time a "better" number. After a few more attempts, several somewhat shady "magician's assistants" are called out on stage to "reason" with the spectator. This goes on until such time the spectator says the "right" number. The chalkboard is turned around and the prediction matches the spectator's number. Comes complete with chalkboard, chalk, and nylon restraints. Easy clean-up.

(c) X-Zoom: Performing in a cemetery, the mentalist writes a number on a piece of paper which is then folded and handed to a spectator. The spectator's recently deceased loved one is then dug up, the change taken from the pockets, and the value of the coins is summed. The prediction is opened and it matches the total. Comes complete with pen, paper, that special something, and shovel. Can be repeated.

(d) Plane Of Thought: Performer is thoroughly blindfolded in keeping with standard test criteria, handcuffed, tied up, dipped in paraffin, sealed in a canvas bag, and stored in a hermetically sealed sarcophagus. The sarcophagus is then placed at the controls of a fully-loaded, commercial 767-300. Despite the encumbrances, performer successfully takes off, flies to destination, lands, and puts aircraft at appropriate gate for passenger deplaning. Still sealed, the sarcophagus is placed outside the cockpit during deplaning and the pilot extends muffled best wishes to passengers with a standard "B'bye". Comes complete with everything necessary to perform this reputation-maker. Instant reset.

(e) New-Ronz: A leading-edge piece of comedy mentalism. The pros' favourite. U.K. mentalist, Arsenal Manchester, writing in the September issue of MindPlux asserted in regards to New-Ronz "Isn't this illegal?". We say something this good should be against the law and...YOWZA!...probably is. Performer holds up a large envelope, states they will "read someone's mind", and asks for an audience volunteer to step forward. The lights are dimmed. The spectator is then injected with something which appears to put them under. The performer then uses a scalpel and saw to open the spectator's head and removed their brain. The envelope is opened and a charming, space-age plastic card is removed. The card is turned over and a beautiful, three-colour, silk-screened image of a human brain is shown. It "matches" the spectator's brain. Performer has succeeded in "reading the spectator's mind". Hilarious. Plays well, packs small.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XVII)

Comedy magic is popular with magicians and audiences alike. A unique and compelling blend of slapstick, humour, bits of business, and time-honed prestidigitatory skills, this particular segment of magic is a favourite among professional platform magicians. What do scholars generally agree is the most powerful comedy magic routine in existence today?

(a) New Clear Explosion: Described by reviewer Tosh Tritt in this month's issue of Gag! as the "...dangerously insane machinations of a menacing sociopath...this man must be stopped at all costs...", New Clear Explosion provides the comedy performer with the ability to trigger a full-scale, global thermonuclear confrontation. Imagine the possibilities: a card is selected, lost in the deck, and performer is seemingly unable to locate selection. After a few select bits of comedic interplay, the magician points to the sky where a nuclear warhead-equipped intercontinental ballistic missile is screaming towards some local strategic target; SPRAY-PAINTED ON THE SIDE IS THE SPECTATOR'S SELECTION! Funny, funny stuff. Comes with everything including hacking software, secret Russian nuclear key codes, and that special something. Plays big, packs small.

(b) Comedy BBQ Dove Pan: Performer goes through standard dove pan routine: i.e., pan is filled with lighter fluid and flash paper, set alight, and cover quickly put on. Cover is removed and, presto, a beautiful, breathtaking white dove has appeared. But wait! That's not all! Without any fudge-o moves, the pan somehow reignites engulfing the dove in a colourful dance of licking flames. The shrill, piercing wail emanating from this fire fantasy provides all sorts of opportunities for gags and bits of business. Hilarious. Comes complete with pan, gimmick, and PETA restraining order.

(c) Clatter Stage: For the serious comedy performer. Based on the same principle as the Clatter Box and the Comedy Broken Wand, the Clatter Stage represents the biggest feat in modern magic engineering since the introduction of the time-honoured Dice Bomb. It plays like this: Performer invites volunteering spectator to join him on stage. Once there, performer requests that spectator remain absolutely still. Performer then leaves stage, takes spectator's seat, and reminds spectator not to move. Rest assured, folks, he will eventually move, if only slightly. At that point, performer screams "I warned you!" just as stage collapses into a heap of splintery lumber and twisted metal. This is a high-octane laugh-getter; the potential for comedic byplay is endless. Comes complete with lumber, metal, that special something, and a "Jaws Of Life" just like the professionals use.

(d) Ex-Rats-Aganza: You thought Penn & Teller's Rat Cage routine was something, well imagine this: Performer is halfway through a standard Square Circle production routine, the stage cluttered with feather
bouquets, streamers, silks, parasols, and other colourful wotnot. Performer reaches back in to produce next object, but something appears to go wrong. Very wrong. Performer breaks into a blood-curdling scream and quickly pulls out hand which appears to have been savagely ravaged by some sort of dangerous rodent. All of a sudden, a cat-sized, yellow-toothed rat peaks his head over the edge of the production box. He darts out and into the audience. Much laughter ensues as people jump out of their seats. But wait! There's more! Performer whistles and out comes dozens upon dozens upon dozens of additional cat-sized rats, an endless stream of dull-grey, pink-tailed rodents, all of them scurrying into and onto the audience. Yowza! You'll never laugh this hard again! Guaranteed! Comes complete with standard Square Circle and rats. You supply the rest.

(e) Top-All: Who can forget the classic comedy Floating Piano? We take this side-splitter one step further. On the driveway of the party host's home, the performer has before him a 3-4 foot tall stack of wooden blocks. Stating he will demonstrate his psychokinetic capabilities by knocking the blocks down with only the power of thought, the performer tells audience to watch carefully and goes into a mock concentration pose. After a little while, nothing has happened and performer begins to appear somewhat concerned. Well, folks, hold unto your hats! In the background, the host's home begins to sway, gently at first but ultimately to the point where it collapses, destroying all of the host's family belongings, including all the treasured heirlooms and other irreplaceable personal valuables. Throughout all of this, the performer's gaze never veers from his stack of wooden blocks. Hoo-boy, if this ain't standing-o material, what is? Funny, funny stuff. Comes complete with wooden blocks and that special something.

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TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR REGISTRATION FOR NEXT YEAR'S CONVENTION WILL BE CONVENIENTLY LOST

5. You insisted on organizing a tailgate party, "The Riffles 'n' Ribs Kegger & Tequila Blowout", in the parking lot before the doors opened on both Saturday and Sunday morning.

4. You stood up on your chair before every guest magician's lecture to loudly inform the participants that immediately following the lecture you would be in the hotel lobby to provide the "...real work on this bozo's half-baked ideas..."

3. You set up a full-fledged trading board in the dealers' room, complete with real-time quotes, to make money arbitraging the price discrepancies among the various dealers.

2. You heckled during the "Memories of Dai Vernon" video presentation.

...and the number one sign your registration for next year's convention will be conveniently lost...

1. Four out of every five conversations you had over the weekend ended with you screaming "YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?"

--

JD

House Party Magic, Bazoomas, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CVII)

Private house parties represent a unique opportunity for the hired magician to attach an emotional hook to his or her performance. The host or hostess is typically delighted by the interaction between the magician, the magic, and the unique and special setting of their home. What do scholars generally agree is the one routine guaranteed to highlight this special bond?

(a) Ace-Phalt: The host selects a card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. The performer appears unable to locate the selection. The guests are now asked to gather on the front lawn of the host's beautiful home. The performer gets into the "Backhoe of Magic", drives up to the curb, and begins ripping up the driveway. Found inexplicably imbedded in the gravel beneath the shredded asphalt is the host's selection.

(b) Sofa So Good: The performer claims to have acquired power to walk on water. To demonstrate this ability, the performer has several guests carry host's expensive leather couch into backyard. The performer approaches the host's swimming pool, makes several magical gestures, and then asks that couch be tossed in. Upon hitting the water, the couch does not sink, but instead REMAINS MAGICALLY SUSPENDED ON THE SURFACE! Those of you familiar with the Slush Powder principle are probably already one step ahead but appreciate the makers of Sofa So Good are making this magical product available in industrial quantities. Comes in 20lb. tubs, each good for one performance.

(c) All Cool Coin: Reviewing this comedic masterpiece in this month's Magicalicious, Las Vegas pro Tom Tipp called All Cool Coin "...perhaps the most horrendous and disgusting travesty ever to stain the world of magic...a black mark...these conniving bastards should be prosecuted..." In other words, this is clearly the ultimate attention-getter. One of the party's guests is asked to remove a coin from their pocket and to mark it for future identification. The performer places the coin into a small, folded piece of flash paper. The paper is lit and the coin has vanished. The performer appears unable to bring coin back. The party continues and the performer begins to hang around the host's bar, first doing shooters, progressively guzzling straight from the bottles. At this point, the performer becomes increasingly obnoxious, eventually asking the host if "there'sh anymore boosh anywhere for chrissakes?!". The performer then makes a particularly lewd remark and gets into a shoving match with one of the guests. Next, the performer crumples into a heap in a corner of the host's living room and begins projectile vomiting on some expensive artwork. A "ping" is heard as the stream passes by a somewhat tacky reproduction of the Venus de Milo. The source of the "ping" is found by a spectator. It is the marked coin.

(d) Dis-Car-Very: A spectator is asked to write name of someone "special" on a piece of paper. The spectator then folds the paper. The performer takes the folded paper, sets it alight, and lets it burn. The ashes are dipped into and rubbed on the performer's arm. The ashes smudge, but nothing is revealed. The performer feigns disappointment when, all of a sudden, the host's car comes crashing through their living room's bay window, although no one appears to be driving it. But wait, that's not all. The performer points to the car which is now half inside the house, half out, and etched into the hood in large letters is the spectator's "special" name.

(e) Extravaganza O' Delicates: The performer leaves room for a brief moment and returns with the hostess' underwear drawer in hand. The contents of the drawer is displayed one by one and placed into the Magic Bag. The performer then reaches into the bag to grab the first item, and as it is pulled out, spectators can see that all of the private undergarments are now joined in a delightful stream of delicate unmentionables. For added effect, this can also be performed with used personal items from the laundry hamper.

--

TOP FIVE WAYS GUARANTEED TO IRRITATE THE GUY WHO RUNS THE MAGIC SHOP

5. Hang around the counter. Every time someone comes in and asks the owner whether or not one of the new items in stock is any good, at the same time breathing in sharply, grimacing, and shaking your head. Should the prospective customer ask you what the problem is, look sideways and say "Oh, nothing..."

4. Every time the owner quotes you a price, mention that "Fitzgibbon's Emporium O' Magic And Travel Agency" on the other side of town sells the same item for 20% less. When the owner tells you he's never heard of Fitzgibbon's always answer with "Yeah, I know...ol' Fitzy likes it that way..."

3. After every demo say "Ahhhh...ooookkaayyyyy...now I get it...anyway, thanks, got to hit the Home Depot before it closes..."

2. Ask for tricks that have not been invented by magicians that don't exist. "Do you have Bob Pladgett's 'Suplex-Duplex'?" Tell them it's all the rage on the Internet. When they say "no", mutter under your breath something which includes "dinosaur" and "get with the program".

...and the number one way guaranteed to irritate the guy who runs the magic shop...

1. During every visit, ask if the shipment of "new & improved" Dice Bombs has yet arrived.

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TOP FIVE REASONS YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE GETTING THE GIG

5. Your business card's small print indicates: "Personal cheques accepted. It's not like I don't know where you live you fraudulent, cheque-bouncing bastard!"

4. Your promotional material identifies you as "El Bombito Stupendo...Supreme Overlord Of All Things Dice Bomb".

3. Facing a crisis during your audition, you appropriately resorted to the Drop The Pants (tm) strategy as prescribed by the experts at the Unofficial Master Magicians' Institute. Unfortunately, you neglected to adhere to DTP (tm) application rule (17), sub-section (f): "...under no circumstances is the performer to invoke the DTP (tm) whilst swaddled in a Winnie-The-Pooh thong..."

2. "Butthole Illusions: A Magical Journey Inside", although perhaps intriguing for "pushing the envelope" from the perspective of magical originality, probably does not well serve the tastes of a broader audience.

...and the number one reason you probably won't be getting the gig...

1. "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! CHECK OUT THOSE BAZOOMAS!" was probably not the best way to greet your prospective client.

--

JD

Card Revelations, Golf Magic, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CIX)

John Kennedy's Mystery Card Box is considered one of the more popular recently released card revelation devices in magic. But the story does not end there. The effect is also an important touchstone on the path to one of magic's greatest and most sought-after objectives: the ultimate card revelation. What do scholars generally agree is the most promising card revelation routine from among the list of upcoming new releases?

(a) Card Smash: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician promptly lunges at spectator and pummels them into unconsciousness. When spectator comes to, the selection has been jammed up their nose. Yes, we recycled this one.

(b) Fender Bender Stupender: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician is apparently unable to reveal selection. On the drive home, spectator notices they are being tailgated. The other car eventually forces spectator' car off the road whereupon it rolls violently. Crawling out of the vehicle, and in obvious distress, spectator notices the signed selection is affixed to the underside of their vehicle.

(c) Midnight Impress: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Deck is put inside packet of high-grade heroin which is taped to spectator's body. Spectator is flown overseas to Turknestan whereupon they are arrested at airport customs and thrown into jail. During unspeakably savage "hazing" by violent inmates, spectator goes to their "happy place". A pixie fairy appears in spectator's increasingly deranged mind and reveals the selection.

(d) Carda Nostra: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician appears unable to reveal selection. Spectator snickers at magician's apparent ineptitude. Magician snaps fingers
whereupon several burly, albeit well-dressed individuals enter room. Spectator is roughed up and, in no uncertain terms, advised to let the matter drop.

(e) Pla-Card: Spectator freely selects card, signs it, and shuffles it back into deck. Magician is apparently unable to reveal selection. Spectator is parachuted in as interim dictator of small South American country, Bogalia. After several years of ruling with iron fist, spectator is subjected to growing dissent by left-wing protesters supported by a covert, CIA-funded militia. During violent coup attempt, crazed protester begins whacking spectator in the head with placard to which is stapled signed selection.

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TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOU CHOSE THE WRONG MAGIC E-RETAILER

5. The site's web address is www.bythetimewearedonewithyouyouwillwishyouweredead.com.

4. The site makes several references to "this crazy Internet thingamajigger".

3. One ad mentions things like "groundbreaking", "reputation-maker", "innovative breakthrough", "the hit of FISM 2000", and "a must-have". It's for magician's wax.

2. The small print politely asks you "allow 6-8 years for shipping" and you assume it's a typo.

...and the number one indication you chose the wrong magic e-retailer...

1. A free Dice Bomb with every purchase.

--

Last time 'round it was elevators, this time we provide suggestions on...

UNLEASHING THE MOMENT WHILE GOLFING

- Use a Sharpie to write "I'LL GET YOU! ! !" on several golf balls. On every second or third tee, when no one in your foursome is looking, toss the ball up in the air so it hits the ground in plain view. Let one of your foursome pick it up. Shade your eyes as you scan the course for the "culprit". Try to act as concerned as possible. Ask each of your golfing partners if they have a gambling problem. If you've already asked them once, and are thus again doing so on a subsequent hole, ask if they are sure they don't have a gambling problem.

- Stick a cap (as in cap gun cap) on your driver. Every drive will be accompanied by the sound of a gunshot. Tell your foursome partners you bought a Tiger Woods video.

- Have a friend secretly hiding in the woods near the green. On your approach shot, launch the ball into the woods whereupon your friend tosses a ball out of the woods onto the green. Do this on every green which is surrounded by woods. Tell your golfing partners it took you years to master this technique.

- If you happen to be golfing on an overcast day, carry a bag of ash in your golf bag. At one of those points when you're on your own, you know, when your drive puts you somewhere off the fairway, pour the bag of ash next to the ball, put your iron next to the ash, and secretly run off to the clubhouse for a well-deserved libation.

- Hook up your ITR to one of those hollow plastic golf balls. Tell your partners it's the new Titleist Floater (tm), a must-have groundbreaking breakthrough in golf ball technology. Demonstrate its built-in lift capabilities. Watch them run to the pro shop.

--

JD

Godfather Magic, Fun With Elevators, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-12T11:19:00.000-05:00

One of my crusades is, of course, the eradication of all things Dice Bomb. Having said that, there is clearly a relatively meaningful installed base of Dice Bombs currently in place globally and, as such, I cannot simply diss the Dice Bomb without really providing suggestions for an alternate, non-magic use. Otherwise, the world will never truly be rid of this marvel of modern technology. In that vein, I would like to present the following:

TOP FIVE ALTERNATE USES FOR THE DICE BOMB

(5) Heimlich Manoeuvre Seminars: The Dice Bomb is conveniently sized to lodge tightly in the average human oesophagus. One possibility would be to use the Dice Bomb as a means of inducing a choking fit in the volunteering victim, whereupon it could then be Heimliched out. With proper timing, this would reward the successful Heimlicher with a visual extravaganza. Unsuccessful Heimlichers would not have the benefit of seeing this marvel of modern science in action and would thus be compelled to improve their
Heimliching technique.

(4) Colourful Mini Step Ladders: How often have you found yourself reaching up for something in the workshop or kitchen, but are just not close enough to get it, a mere inch away? With the Dice Bomb handy, perhaps permanently affixed to the bottom of a pair of old slippers, you'd get that valuable extra reaching power.

(3) Rearview Mirror Trinketry: The fuzzy dice have become somewhat of an institution when it comes to the things people hang from their rearview mirrors. It is, however, obvious that these big bushy dice pose nothing less than a terrible hazard in the event of head-on collisions. What with these dice being big AND bushy, passengers in the front seat are apt to have these fuzzy threats knock them silly. I'd suggest substituting the fuzzy dice with Dice Bombs. This way, the Dice themselves are hermetically sealed with the confines of the Bomb and can't wreak any havoc during the post-crash melee.

(2) Facial Safety Guards: How often have you found yourself walking around the house at night, with no lights on and fearing your face is about to smash directly into a door or wall? Although turning on the lights is an option, it is not always available. Attach a small strap to your Dice Bomb, affix the resulting contraption to your head with the Dice Bomb protruding off the tip of your nose, and voila: fear no more. With this early-warning system, the user is given plenty of time to react to doors and walls, and
can position themselves to minimize the inherent danger. Chronic sleepwalkers can put them on before heading off to bed. Think Barry Manilow regrets not wearing his.

...and the number one alternate use for the Dice Bomb...

(1) Godfather Jowl Inflator: For those occasions like Halloween or just goofing around, when one wants to emulate Marlon Brando's masterful performance as Don Corleone in Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather, what better than to shove a couple of Dice Bombs into the oral cavity to create that droopy-jowled, mumbly face. Of course, this exciting application of the Dice Bomb would only be available to those who have the good fortune to own two, rather than simply one, Dice Bombs. Is anyone ever that lucky?

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXVII)

Prestidigitation and moviemaking have always shared a special relationship. Be it Harry Houdini performing in silent movies, or David Copperfield sharing the screen with Jaime Lee Curtis, magic and magicians are no
strangers to Hollywood. Sometimes, however, the magic never makes it past the editing stage. Which of the following do scholars consider was the greatest scene not to survive the editor's cut?

(a) The Godfather (1971): The scene where Sonny Corleone (James Caan) is viciously gunned down at the tollbooth by thugs from a rival family was originally shot with a bunch of circus clowns bludgeoning him to death with Dove Pans. The scene was removed after a mass demonstration by the International Association of Dove Pan Wielding Circus Clowns (IADPWCC). The demonstration itself was notable for its unprecedented level of clown violence. One journalist described the carnage as "...a horrendous and
unthinkable orgy of blood, white pancake, squeaky red noses, and curly orange hair..."

(b) The Ten Commandments (1956): The scene where Moses (Charlton Heston) attempts to impress the Pharaoh by transforming his walking staff into a snake was originally shot with him performing Hippity Hop Rabbits. The movie studio, concerned that Hippity Hop Rabbits would not be invented for another 4000 years, snuffed the shot. Some rumours have Heston initially substituting in a full-length dove act but, again, the top hat and cape were considered apt to attract criticism from history scholars.

(c) Star Wars (1977): The light sabre was the eventual improvement on George Lucas' original idea to have Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Darth Vader (Whoopi Goldberg), etc...fighting among themselves with Fantasio Appearing Canes. The failing of the original idea was the inability of the scriptwriters to justify having the main characters whip out silks every time a fight was about to break out, although careful observers will note the basic mechanics of the Fantasio cane were used in the light sabre animation. As a side note, "May the Riffle Force be with you" was also modified for general audiences.

(d) The French Connection (1971): Although the 1971 Best Picture Oscar went to this classic, the outcome may have been very different. A significant brouhaha erupted at 20th Century Fox when it emerged director William Friedkin was planning to base the crime plot not on the illegal importation
of heroin from France but, rather, Dice Bombs from Fiji. Gene Hackman, who played Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle, threatened to walk if Dice Bombs were used, in part due to his own outrage over what he described as "that festering, dice-soaked menace".

(e) The Birds (1963): The working title for Alfred Hitchcock's classic thriller was originally titled "The Doves". Initial production shots centred around the idea of a psychotic stage magician who would use
crystal-meth-charged killer-doves to progressively slaughter his audience during the course of a full evening show. The project was eventually discontinued in favour of the version with which we're all familiar as the only doves willing to ingest the necessary quantities of meth were all in rehab at the time.

--

Building on our suggestions a few weeks ago for "unleashing the moment" whilst travelling by airplane, we now offer:

UNLEASHING THE MOMENT ON ELEVATORS

* When you get on the elevator, have an empty, covered styrofoam coffee cup in hand hooked up to your ITR. Act as if it's full. An ill-mannered slurp through the little hole in the cover should draw enough attention. Have it float up during the elevator's descent. Giggle like a little girl.

* Hang around the elevator banks. When someone approaches the button, preferably a group of people, get to it first and trigger your Funken ring. Make it look as painful as possible. Watch as the group seeks to prevent others from hurting themselves. Quietly slip away during the ensuing congestion.

* Get an Otis Elevator badge. Put it on your jacket. Get on the elevator with someone else making sure they notice the badge. Once in the elevator and before the door closes, look up quickly, breathe in sharply while giving the elevator a little shake as if you're testing something, look as worried as you possibly can, use your arm to temporarily block the door from closing muttering "I don't believe this...", and quickly get off.

* Have a piece of broken cable hidden in your jacket. As you get on the elevator, feign noticing something in the door jamb and "yank" on it while secretly introducing the broken cable. Say something along the lines of "I wonder what this is for..." as the door closes.

* If you're on the elevator with just one person, quickly grab the little phone as soon as the elevator gets underway and quietly say "He's (She's) on the elevator. It's a go." Hang up and make it obvious you're trying to avoid eye contact.

* Hit the buttons for three consecutive floors when you get on. As soon as you get to the first, dash out and run up the stairs to the next floor. If the timing is right, you should be able to get back on the same elevator on this floor. Get off at the next floor.

The list goes on. Elevator travel need never again be boring.

--

JD

Magic For The Sun, Magic For The Sky, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-11T10:44:00.000-05:00

TOP FIVE SUNNY DESTINATION MAGIC TRICKS

5. Tower O' Deck Chairs: Spectator heads to breakfast at 6am with family in hopes of getting a really great spot next to the pool or on the beach. Spectator drops off family at restaurant and heads over to 'reserve' deck chairs by putting towels, magazines, etc. on them. Upon arriving at optimal spot, spectator notices performer has hoarded over 300 deck chairs in an attempt to break David Blaine's deck chair stacking record. Performer tells irate spectator to get out of his face because he's busy 'making history'.

4. Card Fiesta: Spectator selects card (no force), returns it to deck, and shuffles thoroughly. Magician is apparently unable to find selection. After five days of suffering through the all-inclusive breakfast buffet,
including those "scrambled eggs", spectator is compelled to undertake a dual-orifice gastrointestinal reversal. A card is found within the resulting melange. It is the selection.

3. Undertow Transposition: Spectator enters water at designated spot. Five minutes later, spectator finds they have been transported two miles without any apparent movement. Spectator drowns.

2. Sands All The Time: Spectator spends day at beach. Spectator and their beach articles are thoroughly deloused by team of trained professionals at local biological research lab. Five years later, spectator still gets gritty sensation when eating.

...and the number one sunny destination magic trick...

1. Psi!: Spectator negotiates price of item for hours with wholesaler at out of way, "underground" flea market before buying. Spectator finds same item, fully priced at their hotel's upscale tourist shop. Spectator compares prices. They match.

--

The charter planes like to jam you in real good on the way to those sunny destinations. Of course, this would be comparable to flying domestic coach in the U.S.

Squeezed into the seat, the blood is forced into the skull and one's imagination can begin to run wild. In my case, it led to a series of ideas one could undertake in order to, as one great put it, "unleash a moment of astonishment" for your in-flight seat mate, although not necessarily always in the traditional sense.

* Get a hold of one of those oxygen masks the flight attendants use during their safety demonstration. When the person next to you is not paying attention, quietly tape the air tube to the area over your seat, then nudge them gently as you let the thing come down in front of you. Grab it in a panicky manner and begin breathing in exaggerated, wide-eyed gasps. Savour their reaction as they realize their life-saving oxygen mask has not dropped.

* Before the flight begins, collect as many barf bags as you conceivably can. Once you've got at least 20-30, sit down next to your seatmate and put the stack somewhere very noticeable. Open one and hold your face close to it as if you are preparing for the worst, with your free hand on the pile readying the next bag. Look extremely nauseated.

* Get a set of headphones. Plug them in anywhere but where they should be plugged, like some crack in the seat in front of you. Feign nodding to the beat. Change the channels (be sure to alter your head's tempo). Watch your seatmate look for that same plug.

* Have a bunched up napkin sitting on your tray or the armrest. Hook it up to an ITR. When the captain announces the plane has begun its descent, cause it to begin floating. Mention to your seat mate this must be the same principle as in NASA's KC-135 Ron Howard used to film the weightlessness scenes in Apollo 13.

* If you're sitting close to the first/business/J-class curtain (you know, the one the flight attendants close after takeoff to make sure the coach folk know their place) hook up some black thread to the curtain and work the thread to your seat. As soon as the flight attendant closes the curtain, quickly and secretly yank it back open. Do this repeatedly. At some point, scream "JUSTICE" like Mel Gibson did in Braveheart.

* Bring a huge, mouthwatering deli sandwich on board in your carry-on. When the "meal" tray is served, quickly get whatever "sandwich" they serve you off and get your deli delight on. Make sure your seatmate notices only the new sandwich. Look at their sandwich and snicker.

* Make a few comments about being hot. Your experienced seat mate will inevitably point to the overhead fan thingamajigger. As you grab it to twist it on, trigger the ol' Funken Ring. React accordingly. Reach back, glare at your seat mate and say "Very funny, pal."

The list goes on. Travel by air need no longer be boring.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part LXXI)

You are performing one of your nightly magic revues aboard a cruise ship. Word comes that the ship has hit an iceberg and is fast sinking. What is your best course of action ?

(a) Continue performing. You are a professional and need not be distracted by these nuisances. Inform whoever it is who passed on the news that next time they should think twice about interrupting an artist in mid-performance. Be as condescending as humanly possible.

(b) Get out your Lota Bowl and go into some sort of routine. If you time it just right, and with Mother Nature's serendipitous participation, you will have one heck of a climax. This is once in a lifetime...so go for it!

(c) The pants thing.

(d) Go immediately into your Audience Rope Escape routine. Tie up as many women and children as you can. Use some of your silks if you must. This will ensure there is more room for you and the rest of your expensive magic equipment on the emergency boats.

(e) Head immediately to the bridge. As there is likely to be a lot of noise and activity on the bridge, you will need to use a firm tone when you tell everyone to shut the hell up. Corner the captain and inform him/her you expect to be paid for the entire two weeks, in particular as it was his/her incompetence that got you into this mess in the first place. Don't take anything other than "yes" for an answer.

--

JD

Table-Hopping Magic, David Copperfield, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-10T14:01:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CCXVIII)

You are table-hopping at a local restaurant. Halfway through your performance of Needle Thru Arm for a family of four, the waiter comes by and sets a large pepperoni pizza on the table. The family appears anxious to dig in. What is your best course of action?

(a) Upend the table. Don't worry about getting pizza over everyone, they'll understand; you're an artist for god's sake. While upending the table, state in a relatively loud voice, "FOOD IS FOR MERE MORTALS...MAGIC IS FOR ETERNITY!"

(b) Continue performing. Should anyone reach for a slice, state, in no uncertain terms, "If you touch that pizza before I'm finished performing, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENSUING CARNAGE!"

(c) Take advantage of the situation to demonstrate your strong improvisatory skills. Pick off four pieces of pepperoni and go directly into your favourite coins across routine. When done, eat the pieces of pepperoni. Grab four more pieces of pepperoni and two slices of the pizza and perform your favourite coin assembly. When done, eat both the pepperoni and the two slices. Finally, grab the remaining pizza, form it into a cone, and go into your favourite milk pitcher routine. When done, eat the balance of the pizza. Move on to your next audience. The table will be completely enamoured with not only your strong improvisatory skills, but also your deft efficiency.

(d) Drop your pants. Isn't it amazing how useful this technique can be?

(e) Clear one of your nasal passages in the general direction of the pizza. In most cases, this will be enough to ensure you have the rapt, undivided attention of your audience. Once your performance is over and you're ready to move on to the next table, it is considered a common courtesy to wipe off the offending substance. Always carry a few napkins for this purpose.

--

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU HAVE PUT OFF LEARNING THAT DEADLY NEW SLEIGHT

5. You dislocated three fingers learning that new Ortiz routine.

4. The expert team of trained hieroglyphic interpreters hired to decipher the lecture notes is behind schedule.

3. You haven't decided whether you should go the book or the video route. It is such a perplexing issue. Book? Video? Video? Book? God, someone help me!!!

2. You are a talentless fuck.

...and the number one reason you have put off learning that deadly new sleight...

1. Your whole weekend was eaten up by the "Who's The Boss" marathon.

--

So I get home late the other night and, as we are all apt to do at that point, I flip on the tube. Looking through the TV Times, I notice David Copperfield is on one of the French channels (they dub his TV specials for the benefit of my francophone brethren) and so I flip over to it.

Now, what gets me going is not only does the TV Times neglect to tell you which special you might be tuning into, the listing just says "David Copperfield" -- I mean really, imagine I inadvertently catch a glimpse of that Bermuda Triangle fiasco -- but when you get to the station, there's no David Copperfield special on. Instead, the station's showing a godawful movie about this pathetic orphan and some whoop-tee-do coming-of-age crap in 19th century London. Where the hell is David Copper...

Oooooooohhhhh...ooooookaaaaaayyyyyyyyy...

Never mind.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part MCXXIV)

Utility devices are the hard-working, loyal, behind-the-scenes pieces of equipment that allow magicians to perform virtual miracles. Although forming an integral part of any magician's repertoire, utilities do not
enjoy the same glamourous exposure as do the gadgets that share the stage with the performer. What do scholars agree was perhaps the most promising, yet unfortunately least successful utility device ever invented?

(a) VTR: Developed by engineers at the Dupont laboratories, the VTR was designed for those magicians who found working with the ITR awkward, given the invisibility. Quickly lost popularity when it was discovered that misdirection has its limits.

(b) The Dice Bomb Holster: Released in conjunction with the original Dice Bomb, the Dice Bomb Holster became an immediate hot-seller, with many dealers complaining they just couldn't keep up with demand. Unfortunately, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (FDA), in conjunction with a working group comprising agents from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Donny & Marie Fan Club quickly intervened in the marketplace after determining that "...a prolonged wearing of the Dice Bomb in the close vicinity of one's genitalia could contribute to conditions ranging from simple dysfunction to outright mutation..." In a recent interview, Dr. Hugh Jommlett, author of "Dice Bomb Dementia: Magic, Magicians, and World Domination", stated, "...you may as well snack on 10 lbs. of high-grade uranium if you're going to stick that marvel of modern engineering in a holster...".

(c) IT Shears: Developed by Boeing, these diamond-tipped, titanium shears were designed to allow magicians to quickly disengage from any IT hookups. Rendered obsolete by the IT Blowtorch.

(d) Airplane Pull: Enjoyed unprecedented popularity following the David Copperfield vanishing jet special. Eventually dismissed by scholars as an inferior method for vanishing aircraft, in particular given the need for 250-foot diameter jacket sleeves.

(e) SCHISM Flash: A significant enhancement to the original FISM Flash, the SCHISM Flash incorporated elements of the U.S. Department of Defence's research on tactical blinding laser weapon technology. Many professional performers noted the ability to "get away with just about anything" following just one application of the SCHISM Flash in their performance. Quickly lost popularity when it was determined the need for individually escorting theatre patrons back home after the show was contributing to prohibitive overtime.

You are hired to perform walkaround at a corporate function. Ten minutes prior to going on, you find out the evening is double-booked as the organizers have inadvertently hired another magician to perform. What is your best course of action?

(a) When the function gets underway, try to get to every group before the other magician does. During your performance, note the presence of the other magician and comment on how it's great that the local penitentiary's "Outreach Program" has yielded some positive dividends. Mention you had no idea that someone who not too long ago was a crazed, axe-wielding psychotic could come so far in such a short time, in particular given the horrendously gruesome nature of their crimes. Don't worry about being
viewed as unprofessional; the key is to appear very positive about your competitor's "progress".

(b) Prior to going on, quietly mention to your competitor that you were told the only thing this crowd wants to see is the Dice Bomb, and nothing but the Dice Bomb.

(c) There's no point in competing head on so you'll need to take the low road. When you notice your competitor is distracted, run outside and vandalize their car...and I mean vandalize. None of this half-measure stuff with toilet paper and whatnot. No. You want the kind of vandalism that requires big nasty tools and acetylene torches. You want the kind of vandalism where halfway through the vandalizing, you sort of stop, take measure of your life, and realize that maybe, just maybe, you need help...but then you
just as quickly slip back into denial. You want the kind of vandalism that would make your mother weep were she to see your mugshot in the newspaper. You want the kind of vandalism...you get the picture.

(d) Take off your pants. Although, to some of you, the objective of this strategy may not be fully obvious, it will become clear in time...you just need to let go.

(e) Go up to your competitor just before the show and mention what a huge fan you are. Ask for a big stack of business cards cause you want to "paste them all over your bedroom". During your performance, make a lot of crude and totally inappropriate innuendo, fondle the guests both male and female, and make boorish and unflattering comments about everything from your corporate host to the Vatican. Hand out "your card" at the end of each performance.

--

JD

Movie Magic, Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-09T10:22:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXXXIII)

In 1993, the Brotherhood of International Guides on Magical Act Censorship (B.I.G.M.A.C.) convened in Geneva to establish rules regarding the performance of magic. Part of the agenda was dedicated to compiling a list of "banned" tricks, those that the governing committee felt were "...outside the realm of professionalism in the context of magic performance and likely to put out an eye..." Which of the following popular tricks was NOT on that list?

(a) Psi-Anide: A compelling routine wherein the mentalist attempts to determine who, from among a group of volunteering spectators who are poised to ingest ludicrous quantities of cyanide, will die first.

(b) Oops French Arm Chopper: Based on the original French Arm Chopper. In the Oops version, the trick "backfires" as the carrot remains intact and the spectator's arm is actually severed. The Lacerating 'Lusionist, manufacturer of this effect as well as Oops Sword Thru Neck and Oops Bullet
Catch, quickly fell into receivership on the ban.

(c) Butt Coils: Similar to mouth coils but less socially acceptable. Popularized in the late 1970s by Sphincter The Magnificent.

(d) Hippity Hop Dildoes: Based on the original Hippity Hop Rabbits, the Dildoes version tells a much more disturbing story of some mean-spirited dildoes. Scholars believe the performance of this effect may have played a meaningful role in inciting the infamous Detroit Dildo Riots of the early 1940s.

(e) Smack The Pack: A stunning visual effect where a deck of cards is magically transformed into an ounce of high-grade Peruvian heroin. The magician's patter is built around the idea that it's easier to "cut" a pack
of cards than an ounce of heroin. Odie The Omnipotent, the ill-fated magician who was tragically killed in 1988 while performing with a defective Dice Bomb, often used Smack The Pack in conjunction with Oops
Needle Thru Arm, now also banned.

Hollywood and conjuring have a special relationship going back decades. Although many great magic-based movies have arisen from this unique partnership, what do scholars generally agree was perhaps the most masterful production to ever hit the screen ?

(a) Body Double Lift (1984): A dark, voyeuristic, and occasionally self-indulgent work revolving around a man's growing obsession with a woman and her flawless double lift technique. Moviegoers will remember that timeless line: "I swear that is only one card, sister, only one card..."

(b) African Queen Of Clubs (1951): Set in Africa during WWI, this film tells the tale of a hard-drinking riverboat captain and a relatively straight-shooting missionary and their attempt to navigate a route to L.A. to catch the Siegfried and Roy matinee.

(c) A Bill In Clockwork Orange (1971): A disturbing, albeit engrossing work which examines the role of good and evil as it pertains to finding vanished currency imbedded inside fresh fruit.

(d) Citizen Dancing Kane (1941): A story of wealth, power, and excess in the cutthroat world of magic book publishing. Famed for the enigmatic last words of its protagonist, "Roughing spray".

(e) When Harry Met That Guy From McGill (1989): The fateful story of an escape artist looking for love, only to have his appendicitis worsened by some bozo at McGill University.

--

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU WERE NOT INVITED TO PERFORM AT THIS YEAR'S SHOW

5. Your opening line from last year's show, "Listen up you bloody ignorant and generally unwashed fools cause I'm only going to do this once, and only for the money at that!" may not have gone over well.

4. Your insistence on performing without the benefit of pants was disturbing, notwithstanding your assertions regarding the good advice from the Unofficial Master Magicians' Institute (UMMI).

3. Your closing effect was Multiplying Scrotums.

2. Your insistence on having your dressing room stocked with an endless supply of imported bottled water, red jelly beans, trays of fresh crudites and imported cheeses, a fully equipped gym, and backstage passes for some of your "friends" was considered unseemly seeing as you were only doing a
10-minute act in a high school cafeteria.

...and the number one reason you were not invited to perform at this year's show...

1. Coming to the show after a full-out, drop-dead, 48-hour kegger at the local crack den may (I said may) have affected your overall demeanour.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CCXIII)

Lecture notes are a rare treasure in the world of magic. Very often, they contain groundbreaking new material, or effects and routines that have not yet become widely available. At the same time, lecture notes can occasionally be less-than-spectacular. What do scholars agree is the most useless set of lecture notes ever produced?

(a) Why I Hate All Of You (1992; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): A drunken diatribe by one of magic's most bitter and pathetic individuals. A compendium of lost hopes, dashed dreams, and advanced sponge ball technique.

(b) Card Care (1980; Sven Svensersenvensen...sen...ven): Devoid of any magical ability at all, yet desperate to make his mark, Svensersenvensen...sen...ven produced this booklet describing his technique
for rejuvenating used playing cards in the dishwasher. As dishwashing the cards did, in fact, ruin them, Svensersenvensen...sen...ven was eventually ostracized by the magic community at large.

(c) Fuck You (1994; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): The much ballyhooed follow-up to Boozo's 1992 work, "Why I Hate All Of You", these lecture notes include page after page of rhetoric, accusations, and jealous outbursts all apparently written in a drunken haze. There is also a helpful section on the care and maintenance of seltzer bottles.

(d) Magic Without Pants (1983; Moe Ronn): A controversial set of notes describing Ronn's innovative ideas for performing magic while naked from the waist down. Of little practical use for most performers, unless they find themselves in a situation requiring the removal of pants, the notes include such techniques as Palming Without Hands, No-Fail Misdirection, and Mother Nature's Topit.

(e) To Hell With All Of You, You Bastards (1997; Boozo The Bitter Ol' Clown): The last in the Boozo trilogy, these lecture notes are effectively a drunken, paranoid rant written in red lipstick on paper towels. Endless, incoherent, and ultimately violent in tone, the notes describe Boozo's bitter struggle with virtually all aspects of magic and performance. The notes end with some interesting ideas on balloon animals.

--

JD

Magic For The Queen, Celery Magic, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-06T10:29:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part LXXIV)

You have been invited to perform for Her Majesty, the Queen of England, and guests at Buckingham Palace. The performance is going flawlessly when, all of a sudden, some flash paper spontaneously ignites and damages the rest of your act. What is your best course of action?

(a) Bitch slap some of the visiting dignitaries. In the ensuing melee, you should find the time to undertake the necessary repairs.

(b) Insist the whole mess is the work of a secret, underground Argentinean militia working in concert with football hooligans and the paparazzi. Leave quickly but, on your way out, nod in a conspiratorial fashion in Prince Philip's direction to throw off the tabloids; they love stuff like that. Besides, you may be right. If it were a real conspiracy you wouldn't know anyway.

(c) Take off your pants. Again, this should be an instinctive fall-back position.

(d) Repeat all the effects you performed earlier stating to your audience, "Maybe this time you COULD pay attention...that is IF you're still not too BUSY carrying on with your PITHY, MINDLESS conversations." The caps are for emphasis.

(e) Mention you just haven't been the same since being passed over for knighthood, in particular since you've done more for humanity than Sean Connery. Make unflattering comments about "Zardoz".

Most magicians like to maintain a relatively set inventory of magic tricks and utilities in order to facilitate both the performance and reset of their walk-around repertoire. Of the following, which do scholars agree is perhaps the most pivotal piece of equipment?

(a) Celery: The item central to such magic classics as Celery Asrah, Celery Silks Galore, Colour-Changing Celery, Celery On Ceiling, Fountain O' Celery, Celery That Goes Bump In The Night, The Celery Chamber, Dreams Of Celery, Celery Thoughts, The Celery Challenge, Psi-Ellary -- the very excellent mentalism effect -- and, of course, the Dice Bomb.

(b) The Nine Of Spades: Seeing as this is the card spectators invariably select, either through free choice or a force, you have to at least have this one.

(c) Curare: Where would we all be without this one? Hmmmmm? Anyone want to venture a guess as to the way magic would be performed today without this indispensable utility? Anyone? Anyone at all? I didn't think so.

(d) The Gizmonator: No one has actually determined what this thing can do -- and, in fact, whether or not it is actually a magic trick -- but with a name like that surely it is imperative that all magicians be equipped with one.

(e) Swollen Rat Testicles: This goes without saying.

--

TOP FIVE INDICATIONS YOUR SHOW IS GOING TO BE A DISASTER

5. Your opening act, The Beatles Reunion Tour, is booed out of the place.

4. At the last minute, you discover you have run out of smoke, and the mirrors are on back order. This is followed by technical problems with the wires and trap door. You are informed that most of your camera tricks are not expected to work.

3. The local of the International Association of Performing Doves (I.A.P.D.) is picketing the theatre demanding higher quality seed, increased use of the comics page in lining the birdcage, and unfettered
access to pension surpluses. Word gets out that some of the doves on the picket line have been drinking and are getting a little unruly. Some audience members are roughed up on the way in.

2. You begin to question the logic of building a full-length stage show around a lemon, a light bulb, and a piece of string. Your backup plan, Dice Bomb Bonanza, doesn't look much better. You should have know better than to sign up for the Unofficial Master Magicians' Questionnaire.

...and the number one indication your show is going to be a disaster...

1. You realize, perhaps a little too late, that including a free copy of your lecture notes with every ticket purchased was not "the genius marketing idea of the century".

--

JD

The Roman Empire, Star Trek Magic, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-05T11:18:00.000-05:00

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part MX)

The Cups & Balls, a popular routine in modern magic, is reputed to have been performed by magicians in ancient Egypt. What other current mainstay also played an important role in history?

(a) The Roman Empire's legions were rumoured to have employed armadas of malfunctioning Zig-Zag Illusions against the Gauls.

(b) Scholars believe some of the prehistoric cave-dwelling drawings in Jejune, France depict a version of "Woolly Mammoth To Dove".

(c) The are stories purporting that following the production of soldiers from within the Trojan Horse, "there came a torrent of silks, streamers, confetti, and parasols capable of sinking a thousand ships".

(d) There is a school of thought that argues carbon-based life, as we know it, arose not only from the interaction between electrical currents, potentially engendered by naturally occurring lightning, and inorganic materials intrinsic to the "primordial ooze", but that the Dice Bomb may also have played a pivotal role.

(e) Although the controversy continues, many believe Amerigo Vespucci's motivation in seeking out the New World was a desire to "find out what all that Siegfried and Roy hoopla was about".

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS THE MAGIC CONVENTION YOU'RE ATTENDING IS LAME

5. There's a stage show and competition, a close-up show and competition, and a Dice Bomb show and competition. The latter somehow turns out to be really, really good.

4. The featured guest performers are Phil Harris, Jeff McBridge, Alpo Colombini, Ernie DeCamps, Bill Maloon, Chet Long, Gary Hurtz, Juan Tamarintz, and David Broth.

3. The lecturers take attendance. One of the spectators is given a detention...and the assertion he "didn't put up his hand before heading to the restroom" is never really verified, certainly not to everyone's
satisfaction.

2. The highlight of the dealers' room is the "Honest Eddie Fontaine's Emporium O' Magical Goodies & Bulk Dog Food" booth. This is closely followed by the guy selling arts & crafts fashioned with hardened bodily
fluids.

...and the number one sign the magic convention you're attending is lame...

1. None of the performers backstabs any of the other performers.

--

OK, now it gets worse.

--

Once in a while, a real gem of a find comes along. Late last year, an intoxicated sound technician for a relatively well-known Hollywood studio, while looking for a remote spot to blow some chunks, stumbled upon a "lost" episode of the original "Star Trek" series. The episode, entitled "The Prestidigitator's Quandary", revolves around Captain Kirk's renewed interest in his childhood hobby, magic, and the role it plays in saving the Enterprise from the destructive force of the warmongering Anjovians.

An interesting element of the script was Gene Roddenberry's attempt to build more liberal concepts into the show, including the sporadic use of foul language and several nude butt shots involving the Spock and Uhura characters (note this technique, considered highly risque at the time, was later successfully used by Steven Bochco to build hysterical publicity around "NYPD Blue").

Although the episode was never actually filmed (most scholars believe this was due to the studio's fear that audiences would be repulsed by Vulcan butt) we here at JD's Ramblings are fortunate enough to have been given the rare opportunity to glimpse at but a small sampling of the original script.

STAR TREK -- EPIDSODE 92 -- THE PRESTIDIGITATOR'S QUANDARY

SCENE 1 - OUTSIDE SHIP VIEW

KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 20914. We are on our way to rendezvous with the Phentonian ambassador in the Vexor quadrant. The Federation is seeking to broker a treaty between the Phentonians and Anjovians who have been at war for over 357,000 years.

SCENE 2 - THE BRIDGE

SULU: Captain, we are on course and should reach the Vexor quadrant in eight hours.

KIRK: Excellent Sulu. Bridge to engineering...how is everything Scotty?

SCOTTY: Great jumpin' jehosophat, Captain, she's givin' him all I have...I mean I'm givin' him all she's been givin' to me...I mean she's got what I've been givin' to them...

KIRK: Scotty! Scotty! What the hell are you talking about? Have you been drinking again?

SCOTTY: Yes sir! Sorry sir!

KIRK: Report to sick bay you drunken old sod bastard. Spock, have we picked up any transmission from the ambassador yet?

SPOCK: Negative, Captain. It appears the Anjovians may, in fact, be using some form of interference designed to hinder our progress towards the Vexor quadrant. I find this most disturbing.

KIRK (muttering under his breath): The only disturbing thing here is the prospect of seeing your Vulcan ass later on in this episode...

SPOCK: What was that Jim?

KIRK (now with a deck of cards and performing some simple card flourishes): Oh, nothing Spock. As you were. Hey, Bones! Pick a card!

DR. McCOY: Damnit Jim! I'm a doctor not a spectator!

KIRK: I said pick a card or I'll have Nurse Chapel get the rubber glove.

DR. McCOY: I'm the one who uses the rubber glove around here! Just ask that pointy-eared freak over there!

SPOCK (grimacing at the memory): Doctor, in as much as I appear to be a freak to you, I do find your human features to be equally repulsive.

DR. McCOY: Fuck you, Spock! You wanna piece of me?! Right here!

SPOCK: Doctor, you understand of course that I could, as you humans say, whip your ass? It's only logical.

KIRK: Gentlemen, gentlemen...surely this isn't necessary.

DR. McCOY: He started it, that mind-melding bastard! Now give me the goddamn cards! There...I picked one.

KIRK: Show it around and remember it...return it to the deck...now it's lost in the deck, right?

SPOCK: Captain, if I may interrupt, it appears you just employed Quesivio of the Venn galaxy's Diagonal Rear Bottom-Palm Back Shift to control Dr. McCoy's card to the top and followed up with a standard One-Hand Top Palm. I believe Quesivio originated the move in his 2080 treatise "I Might Have
16 Fingers, But That Don't Mean I...

KIRK:...Why...you...son of a BITCH!

SPOCK: Actually, Jim, as you know, my mother was human...

KIRK & DR. McCOY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

You get the picture. Come to think of it, it makes sense the episode never got put on film.

Having said that, I do remember a particularly disturbing episode of the "Brady Bunch" in the early '70s that borrowed some of the same techniques. You know, the one where the Horseshack threatened to moon Mr. Kotter if he didn't give the Sweathogs back their crack pipes. In addition, I believe there was an episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" where Joanie didn't love Chachi anymore, but then they made up. This was, of course, followed by the short-lived "Spock Loves Chachi" which many scholars agree was one of the less successful segments in Leonard Nimoy's otherwise illustrious career.

But, then again, what the hell do I know?

--

JD

Discoverie Of Witchcraft, Magic Price Inflation, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-04T08:50:00.000-05:00

THE UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE -- Part XXV

What do scholars agree was Reginald Scot's underlying motivation in writing The Discoverie of Witchcraft?

(a) The king threatened to punch Scot's lights out if he kept refusing to explain how the knave kept coming back to the top of the deck.
(b) It would be a perfect cover for the other book he was writing, "The Discoverie of Porno".
(c) Sir Boingy-Boing of Throttlebottominghamshire, his greatest rival and the king's court magician, was a big-time, badass mofo.
(d) He was trying to preempt a Fox TV special scheduled to be aired in 5 centuries.
(e) His open rivalry with Sigfried & Roy who had just begun headlining in Vegashire.

The magician's code is effectively what?

(a) Drinking before noon at magic conventions is verboten, unless, of course, you're old and bitter.
(b) Never repeat the trick. Ever! Got that? Never, ever, ever, ever...ok, just this once.
(c) If there's no left pinky break, it ain't worth learning.
(d) Don't reveal your secrets, especially the ones involving latex and barnyard animals.
(e) When meeting members of the opposite sex, there is nothing more effective than opening with "Pick a card."

--

A question…

About two decades ago, I purchased a Crystal Silk Cylinder (CSC). For the
record, the CSC is not really made with crystal but, rather, some sort of
space-age, translucent material.

It arrived at the post office packed in a large cardboard cigarette box. I
remember this cause when I got home, my mom said "I hope you didn't waste
more money on some magic junk!" and I said "Mom, can't you see I bought a
gross of cigarettes? C'mon, get real. Now if you'll excuse me, I will be
retiring to my room to smoke my brains out."

Anyways, if memory serves me well, I paid C$23.50 for the CSC. Today I see
it being sold for C$132.50. This progression over 20 years suggests the CSC
has experienced a price inflation compound average growth rate (CAGR) of
just over 9%. This compares to a US Consumer Price Index (CPI) CAGR of
about 4% over the same period.

The question is, who's taking the spread? Who?

For the love of man, WHO?

I've narrowed it down to three potential culprits: (1) the "crystal"
cartel; (2) the silk manufacturers; (3) the cylinder conglomerates.

I'll update you on developments.

--

TOP FIVE REASONS YOU DIDN'T WIN 1ST PRIZE AT FISM 2000

5. You began your act by passing around a bucket filled with little squares of paper, imploring all the spectators to "drop a hit" if they really wanted to "groove into" your act, man.

4. The theme for your entire performance was "Dice Bomb Bonanza".

3. Way, way, way, way, way too much lighter fluid. Seriously, way, way, waaaaayyyyyy too much.

2. You ended your act by politely informing the judges that you "know where they live and are intimately familiar with their personal schedules".

...and the number one reason you didn't win 1st prize at FISM 2000...

1. Your act was flawless and entertaining...unfortunately, you thought you were attending FISTING 2000.

--

THE UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN QUESTIONNAIRE -- Part XXVIII

A spectator has just grabbed the entire deck from you, selected a card and put it into their pocket, and stuck the balance of the deck into another pocket. The spectator now challenges you to name the selection. What is your best course of action?

(a) Threaten to perform your 20-minute "Dice Bomb Bonanza" act if the deck isn't promptly returned.

(b) Drive a swift, hard one into the spectator's tender area, at the same time stating: "Never! Ever! Don't ever mess with Mr. Magic!". Once the spectator has crumpled into a fetal position, it is a simple matter to retrieve the cards.

(c) Employ your actual mind-reading powers.

(d) Start wailing like a baby. I mean, really let it out...top of the lungs kinda stuff. The other spectators are likely to feel sorry for you and will politely ask the offending spectator to return the deck. Once the deck is returned, pout and sniffle for added effect. Go off to a corner and sulk.
Wave away anyone who comes over to provide comfort. Eventually ask someone for a ride home.

(e) Take off your pants. Although this doesn't really solve anything, it's fun.

--

JD

Magic Shops, Exploding Light Bulbs, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-03T14:33:00.000-05:00

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU WERE RIPPED OFF WITH YOUR RECENT PURCHASE

5. Your "Penultimate Reputation-Enhancing Miracle-Making Blockbuster" is exposed by Elmo on Sesame Street.

4. The package your "endless roll of high-quality disposable silks" comes in emphasizes their "cottony-softness".

3. The innovative new effect you bought involves the words "dice" and "bomb".

2. As you're leaving the magic shop, the owner looks at you, winks, smiles slightly, lets out a very quiet little chuckle, looks back down while modestly shaking his head, rubs the side of his nose ever so gently, and mutters "Bloody dumbass fool..."

...and the number one sign you were ripped off...

1. The instructions are legible and well illustrated.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part XXXIII)

You are handed a light bulb, length of string, and a lemon. The challenge is to put together a full-length stage show. What is your best course of action?

(a) Perform Light Bulb & String To Lemon non-stop for two hours, perhaps breaking only for a 15-minute intermission. Hand out the lemon to a lucky spectator at the end of the show as a keepsake. You could draw his/her name from a hat, or do something more creative in selecting the spectator, perhaps something involving the string, or even the light bulb.

(b) Take off your pants. This should, by now, be your standard reaction to any crisis.

(c) Contact Lance Burton's people and ask whether or not he would perform his full-length stage show in exchange for a light bulb and a lemon. Keep the string for yourself...you can never have too much string.

(d) Contact the authorities at the Master Magicians' headquarters and ask whether or not they have "gone completely off the deep end".

(e) Run. Run like the wind. This should always be your backup in event the pants strategy fails.

Many newly developed effects never see the light of day. What do scholars agree was probably the most controversial routine never to be formally published?

(a) Card Smash: Spectator freely selects card (no force) and shuffles it back into deck. Magician promptly lunges at spectator and pummels them into unconsciousness. When spectator comes to, the selection has been jammed up their nose.

(b) Flatu-Cents: An innovative version of the classic Miser's Dream routine performed with no pants.

(c) Enforcer's Dream: A fascinating mind-reading effect where several spectators are, through unspeakable levels of physical violence, somehow compelled to reveal their exact thoughts.

(d) Cruci-Fix: A destruction/restoration effect with religious overtones.

(e) The Rash Always Knows: A card revelation technique that builds on the properties of the highly toxic Bolivian Fire Plant.

--

I've rambled on this one before, but is there really room for an exploding light bulb in the world of magic? I mean, it's cool and everything; my issue is with practicality.

"Hey kids! Now that we've found Effo the Elephant safely back at home, and remember "Don't Talk To Strangers!", how 'bout we meet Lucky The Light Bulb!"

POP! TINKLE!

"AAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHH! SHARDS OF GLASS EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

(Yeah, yeah, yeah...OK...I know...it's not for kid shows...more of a telekinetic thing...)

"No sir, I cannot cause the pen on the table to move two inches...but I can 'xplode this light bulb here!"

POP! TINKLE!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! BLOOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!
AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!"

(Maybe I'm not giving this exploding light bulb a fair shake. I'm sure it's very, very practical.)

"No, ma'am, I have no idea what you have in your purse. And, no sir, I don't know what number you are thinking of. Please, I cannot levitate your chair with my mind. Would you please all just shut up and look at the fucking light bulb!"

POP! TINKLE!

"Thank you. Thank you very much."

(Maybe it's more of a practical joke thing.)

"Hey (mmmmmph), why don't you (mmmmph) turn (mmmmph) on the (mmmmmmmph) light?"

POP! TINKLE!

" GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Tee hee hee"

(Nope. That's not it.)

What's next? Wallets that combust when they are opened? Boxes that fall apart when picked up by the spectator and make a kind of "clattering" noise as the pieces hit the ground? Wands that flop over when picked up by the spectator creating room for really inventive and classy phallic humour?

But, then again, what the hell do I know?

--

JD

Magic With Bodily Fluids, Second Dealing, & Other Ramblings

2004-02-02T08:44:00.000-05:00

TOP FIVE REJECTED MAGIC BOOK TITLES

5. Darwin Ortiz' Compendium Of Easy-To-Do Card Tricks

4. Magic With Bodily Fluids

3. Secrets Behind Making Your Magic Better: Crank & Smack

2. Now You See It, Now You Do

...and the #1 rejected magic book title...

1. Look At Me: Magic For The Insecure

--

I regret I cannot second deal.

At a convention a few years ago, I asked Simon Lovell (he was marketing a
treatise on the topic) how long he thought it might take to master; he told
me it would take five years. Well, five years have passed and I still
cannot second deal.

I think he meant I would need to practice for five years.

--

TOP FIVE GERALDO MAGIC INVESTIGATIONS

5. I Know How You Did That: 24 Hours With Boozo, The Bitter, Old Clown

4. Magic's Dirty Little Secret: Magicians Who Practice!

3. Hey Copperfield, Hands Off Our Statue!: America Speaks Out

2. Magic's Secretive Secrets Revealed: Revealing The Revealer's Revelations

...and the #1 Geraldo magic investigation...

1. I Hate Siegfried & Roy: Tony The Tiger Lays Down The Law

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR CONVENTION LECTURER MAY NOT BE UP TO SNUFF

5. Highlight effect involves vinegar, baking soda, and a small, aluminum
foil, volcano-like structure.

4. Catch-phrase appears to be "This worked at home."

3. The audience is on the floor laughing at his/her wacky antics and
pratfalls. The topic is mentalism.

2. All effects revolve around objects found around the house, assuming you
live in a secretive, government-funded nuclear technology research facility.

...and the #1 sign your convention lecturer may not be up to snuff...

1. The lecture notes are typeset, legible, and well illustrated.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIAN'S QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CLXXIV)

The typical magician reacts with a certain excitement or rush when first
encountering a new principle, particularly if they are meaningfully fooled.
Sometimes nothing happens; the magician feels unaffected by the effect. In
this case, the trick's inventor has honourable intentions but the magic
doesn't quite come through. What do scholars generally agree is the least
compelling magic effect ever marketed?

(a) Mysterious Hullaballoo Fire Silks: Performer is a holding a
breathtaking bouquet of silks swirling in colour, excitement, and other
delightful wotnot. Spectator is asked to mentally select one of the
colours. The silks are waved about in a distinctly whooshy manner whilst
the performer boogies to some intoxicating exotic music. There is danger,
flashes, sparkles, and fire.

(b) Find-A-Card: A spectator selects a card from a shuffled deck, returns
it to deck, and again shuffles. Performer asks spectator to reveal identity
of card. Performer then goes through deck and removes a card; it is the
spectator's selection. Independently developed by the other JD, my four
year old son, although I suspect many sons/daughters have come before.

(c) It rhymes with Rice Mom.

(d) Spectacular Boxes O' Magic: From the same folks who brought you the
Mysterious Hullaballoo Fire Silks. Several large and colourful boxes are
rolled out on stage. As they are spun around, much brouhaha ensues, with
flashes of light, fire, danger, and sparkles. Many leap about. There is
much smoke. The music is intriguing at first, towards the end very
engrossing. Much happens. The curtain falls.

(e) Nuance Changing Silks: Performer holds a blue silk in hand. With a
wave, the silk remains blue. Upon closer inspection many agree, however,
the hue has been modified somewhat, although it remains open to debate.
Breakaway sessions are arranged and experts are brought in from the
Guggenheim.

--

JD

Dice Bombs, Magic Monkeys, & Other Ramblings

2004-01-30T09:27:00.000-05:00

Today is the birthday of Jonathan O'Connell brother of Timothy O'Connell,
the guy who injection-molded the world's first Dice Bomb chamber.

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

--

TOP FIVE SIGNS MAGIC IS NOT FOR YOU

5. That Dice Bomb rocks! And I mean rocks!

4. You believe there's nothing more satisfying than cozying up to the fire
with a nice cup of java and some legible and well-illustrated lecture notes.

3. An unrelenting desire to show those mean little kids exactly who's in
charge.

2. $10 for a magic trick?

...and the number one sign magic is not for you...

1. An unwillingness to drop your pants.

--

UNOFFICIAL MASTER MAGICIANS' QUESTIONNAIRE (Part CXVII)

The surprise revelation of a signed selected card remains one of the most
powerful and oft-explored branches of card performance style. Since the
time playing cards were first introduced by Queen Elizabeth I's court
jester, Jingles IV, the library of revelation routines has continued to
grow unabated. What do scholars generally agree is one of the more
compelling routines ever developed?

(a) Aftercard: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck
by a spectator. Spectator then begins to feel ill, but is not sure why.
Spectator then succumbs to massive coronary and is rushed to hospital.
While in ambulance, spectator's heart stops and spectator begins journeying
down a dark tunnel at the end of which is a dazzling light and visions of
long-lost relatives. One of them is seen to be holding selection. Spectator
is revived. Comes complete with everything you need including beautifully
silk-screened defibrillator and patter.

(b) Cardworld: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck
by a spectator. Spectator then auditions for role in over-budget movie
being produced by a megalomaniac. The movie is released to much fanfare but
bombs at the box office. Spectator, who feels their performance was
unfairly panned by a local movie critic, then confronts the movie critic in
a car in the parking lot of the local newspaper. Much ballyhoo ensues and
words are exchanged. The critic speeds off leaving a treadmark. It reveals
the spectator's selection. Plays big, packs small.

(b) White Glove Revelation: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced
in the deck by a spectator. Performer then takes spectator to a famous solo
artist's sold-out stadium concert. With the help of backstage passes,
spectator befriends solo artist and is invited to his private amusement
park. While at amusement park, a monkey gets jammed in ferris wheel
mechanism and is fatally injured. Found within the monkey's innards is the
spectator's selection. Comes complete with cards, concert ticket, and that
special something.

(d) Time-Ace Continuum: On way to magic show, spectator finds a signed card
in their front pants pocket. Once at the show, a card is freely selected,
signed, and replaced in the deck by the spectator. Already came complete
with everything.

(e) Rams-Ace: A card is freely selected, signed, and replaced in the deck
by a spectator. The performer then enslaves the balance of the spectators
and forces them to build a series of gargantuan structures of worship to
various pagan gods. A virgin from among the enslaved spectators is then
sacrificed on some enormous altar to appease these pagan gods and the body
is then embalmed and mummified. The performer and the original spectator
then enter a time machine and go two thousand years into the future
whereupon they encounter some English expedition that is exploring the
virgin mummy's tomb. The mummy's sarcophagus is opened and everyone is
exposed to some evil curse. After being chased half across the globe by
this mummy, the performer and spectator seek refuge in a mud hut in remote
Madagascar. Taped to the ceiling inside the hut is the spectator's
selection. Comes complete with everything. You supply the time machine.

--

JD

Magic Pens, Magic Pylons, & Other Ramblings

2004-01-29T14:09:00.000-05:00

Howdy. Many of you are already familiar with JD's Ramblings. For those among you who are not, they are a delightful, compelling (gripping, really) look at the world of magic and magicians through my demented eyes.

For now, I'm posting repeats. When I get the time, I'll start posting new ones, so back off fer chrissake, ok? OK? Man...

Anyways...

Enjoy.

Warning: Although it is called "Pen Thru Anything", this doesn't mean you should put the pen through anything.

If you don't trust me on this one, then trust hotel security...

--

True story: Way, way, way, way, way, way back, long before many of you were born, when it snowed so deep, and it rained so long...anyway, it was the Summer of 1987. I was living in Canada's capital city, Ottawa. Ottawa is a native term for Ottawa. It means Ottawa.

So I'm at a party. I'm on this big, wood balcony. I'm talking to this girl; her name is Rita. And, no, she is not a lovely meter maid. I'm dying to show her a trick, but can't think of anything impromptu.

So what to do? Absolute truth...I see this 4' to 5' long, perfect strand of spider's web. No web per say, just this long strand, with maybe the first basic framework of a web under construction. There were even these cute, little, orange, spider-sized pylons. No there weren't, but that would have been cool.

Looking for a plausible excuse to run in and get some scotch tape, I tell Rita that I've got a horrible gastrointestinal condition that causes my bowels to gorge out big chunks of my intestines every two weeks and that if I don't get to a big sink really soon, there's going to be blood everywhere.

In retrospect, I should have just told her I had to go in for a sec'.

No, I didn't do this, but I think it would have really turned her off...good thing I didn't.

I run into the apartment's kitchen, grab a piece of scotch tape, come back out, affix the free end of the strand (I might have broken it off, I don't remember...and I'm only saying this in the event that some entymologist with nothing better to do comes on to flame me on the low probability of finding a loose-ended piece of spider's web) to my shirt and proceed to perform the FB in the style popularized by the great John Kennedy in the early 80s.

Rita was, needless to say, blown away. I'd like to say I was as well, but it didn't happen. Sigh.

I have never forgotten that moment; outstanding. I was, for but a wee moment, one with nature.

Nor have I ever forgotten Susan.

Do you think the Three Stooges would have thought to do this? If not, why do people revere them so?

--

Next time you're on a plane, bring a magic book. Leave it open at the chapter on 'Peeks & Glimpses'. Make sure your seatmate notices it.

When they get up to go to the can, follow them. When they come back out, go back to your seat as well, without using the can. Make sure you have a big, demented smile on your face.

It helps if you don't know the person.

--

Why do magic authors, at the beginning of the trick, always tell us to hold the cards in "Left hand dealing position"? I mean, if they didn't say dealing position, would you sit there going "S***, how do I hold these? Let's see, maybe if I turn my hand over and balance the cards on the back of my hand...

Ask a non-magician (not layperson, we're not priests...well, not generally, although some of us may be celibate and, thus, the reason we are desperately learning tricks, any trick, anything, anything to get a little attention ) to hold a deck of cards and tell me if I'm out to lunch.

--

Speaking of planes, I travel on them way too much. I generally like to avoid speaking to the person in the seat next to me, other than a polite hello -- I'm not anti-social, there are other reasons -- so I always make a point of putting on the headphones as soon as I sit down.

To make sure they don't try to start a conversation, I start humming along with the music and bobbing my head.

Once in a while, I'll even go so far as to plug in the headphones.

--

JD